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Alive 8

Now  we indulge in a fit of misplaced nostalgia for this  issue's  Mini-Mag.
Rather  than going to the trouble of getting some fresh and original  ideas,
we decided to recycle one of the original Mini-mags, back from the days when
I  first had the idea.  This "issue three" was done originally in one of the
later  issues  of the Diskbusters magazine,  when they did the  Falcon  only
version,  and  there  was a re-write for a subsequent appearance in the  ST+
diskmag. So I'm betting you either won't have seen this at all, or at worst,
won't remember it too well.

Anyway,  read on for an insight into how I was thinking in the period around
1996-97. CiH, Jan '04

\_\_\_\_\_\_  M i N i  -  M a G   I s s u e  3_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_  By  C i H and the GanG.\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

           Fun, Fun, Fun!!


Well  we thought we would never make it to a third issue,  or a  second one,
or even a first one,   come to think.. Why do we bother, it is the extensive
psycho-reconditioning surgery,  the removable hard patches to enable  direct
access   to  our brains installed  in  our  skulls,   the countless hours of
live  electric  current  coursing through  our   delicate  little  neurones,
bbblurbble blurrble beeep!!

Anyway,   this   should   settle  down a bit after the good   doctors   have
finished injecting carrot juice and barbiturates into our bodies!

Enough of that, let's get on with the show!!


'Sim - Clothes Iron'
A   game   for  any number of players  in   a   combined   hardware/software
virtual   thrill-like   modular interactive  experience..   Experience   the
finest  of  close shaves,   and realtime piloting skill driving  your  BS900
Hova-Steam   Iron   battlewagon  across a hostile   cotton   and   polyester
landscape,  flattening  all before you under the relentless heating power of
your hand-propelled conveyance..   Huge variety of different 'worlds' to try
out (up to 96 in a typical heavy wash!) Ages, mum and upwards..

12.99 - Morphy Richards CD-ROM

'It's another Big Box!'
The latest release by Psygnosis - sorry - Sony Interactive Europe,   err no,
they've  been  sold off again,  so it's back to being Psygnosis..   See  the
pretty colours on screen,   dig the groovy tunes,  wear the T-Shirt!! Game??
What Game?? Who said there was going to be a game in there!?!!?

60.99 - Sony Flavourofthemonthstation CD-ROM (1996)
(Prices correct as of April 1996)

 *1997 UPDATE* - Now reduced to 3.99 (Bintendo 64 version 129.99!)


RIBENA 'Long German Name No-one Can Spell Properly' demo
After   the   brainblasting 'Sonoluminadolescent' demo   by   their   single
productive   coder,   the   rest of Ribena strike back with the   'Aus   den
Augen Verlieren' demo..  It is of course, PC only.. When it does appear at a
future  coding convention,  it is almost certainly going to be ruled out  of
the competition, as the German name isn't naff enough!

ODDBALL 'Little bit of Politics' demo
After  the  groundshaking efforts of Spirits and  Pandemonium  in   bringing
'issues'   to  demo coding,   it was only a  matter of time  before  someone
based an entire megademo around the Maastrict Treaty.. Highly optimised text
compression routines by their chief coder 'Rather Sad' bring  you the entire
treaty wording in scrolltext form.. (600MB, CD ROM only)

FUN 'Three Minutetro'
Look,   it'll   be   finished  by  the time you read to the  end   of   this
article, okay!! (And it will work! Honest..)


Has anyone seen our missing magazine??  Once we were huge, our November 1990
issue   contained   180  pages,   semi-naked pictures of A.N.Cool  and  cost

Now we are gone!!  Contact Future Publishing, Bath, England..

Small reward for finder..

Also Missing - Shorthair tabby ST Floormat editor,   answers to 'Nick', last
seen in Summer 1996..


These   stubby  but finely tapering projections out of  hands  have   really
inspired   a   lot  of  third  party  activity   to   design   and   produce
peripherals   that   make   full  use  of  them..   Who   can   forget   the
breakthrough that came when 'handles' were produced..   Man and shopping bag
in  symbiotic  man/machine  harmony?   And who was that unsung   genius  who
decided to make nostrils *just* the right size for those fingers?!

Now  Microsoft  have decided to update a design that  has  essentially  been
trouble-free for the last fifty thousand years,   as we are greeted with the
prospect of 'Fingers '97'..

If   Microsoft  follow their normal business practices,   Fingers  '97  will
sound  fine in theory,   but will require you upgrade your arms and hands to
ten  times their current capacity at a vast extra cost..   Fingers '97  will
only   be  able to use recognised  Microsoft  peripherals,   and  I  believe
they  are  currently  rushing  the Microsoft  'Fridge  Door  beta'   to  the
marketplace..  Generally,  it  looks  like  Fingers  '97  will  be  woefully
undersupported   unless   Microsoft  can get third   party   developers   to
concentrate  on  it,   and to drop the main alternative (Foetus  Inc)  which
currently has a 100% market share..

Other, unsubstantiated, stories tell us of occasional hardware failures with
Fingers  '97,   where they sometimes stop working in mid-clench,   or simply
just   fall  off  the hand..   Microsoft remain  tight-lipped   about  these
stories,   but  a  brief official communique puts any problems down to  user
error,   or  incorrect arm/hand configurations..  They also remain confident
of  substantially reducing the hour-long  boot-up  procedure for Fingers '97
which  takes place first thing in the morning,   and this should be in place
some six months after the initial launch..

We are not holding our breath in anticipation!


'The Crispfinder General'..
This  fearsome figure bestrode the continent of Europe during the  dark days
of the 17th Century,  rising to prominence during the Thirty Years War,  and
going on to purge Northern Germany of all flavours of  fried potato   snack,
except    Plain   and   Paprika  in  a   wave   of   nutritional   religious
hysteria..   Several   thousand   Prawn  Cocktail  and   salt   and  vinegar
flavoured  Hugenot refugee packets made their way  to  England,  where   the
government  of  the day was slightly more tolerant  of   diverse  flavours..
There  they  have  stayed to this day,  interbreeding to produce  even  more
different flavours..

Large parts of Europe  (especially the area around Hamburg)  have still  yet
to recover from the damage done by the Crispfinder General..


More Programming and culinary confusion from the good book (Delia Smith goes
apeshit on recipes for Notational Logic..)

Blitter Bombe Surprise..

Take  three  blitters,  early series Mega ST blitters are best  because they
have  had  time to mature longest..  If you can't get these,  then any other
blitters will do..  Add finely chopped fresh tomatoes, taking care to  catch
all the juice,   and stir until finely mixed..   Whilst you are doing  this,
put  a  medium saucepan of Tri-methylhexafluoride  on  to simmer  on  to   a
low   gas..   If  you  cannot  get  this  at  your   local  supermarket   or
munitions  stockist,   then  any  other  reasonably   high-  powered  liquid
explosive substance will do..

Stand well back..

No, further back than that..

Get down you fool!!


Oh dear.......

Go  back  to blackened ruins of kitchen and try to locate as  much  of   the
blitter  and  tomato mixture that you can find..  The scarred  and  puckered
flesh   of   nearby screaming unaware bystanders who got   caught   by   the
explosion is usually a good place to start looking..
Ignore screaming and agonised writhing and dig out such of the  mixture
as  you can find with a warm teaspoon..  Don't worry if anyone dies  on
you, this is quite normal..

When the police arrive, deny everything.. Act surprised!


'Confessions of a clapped out Ex-Diskmag Editor'
A  most  unexpected revivial of the long defunct  1970's  'Confessions' soft
porn  series..   The  original  star Robin Askwith was  unavailable  due  to
'other   commitments',   so   a  Dutch  lookalike was  asked  to   step   in
instead..  The  end  result has been described by critics as  something like
"A  cross between Neighbours,  and a Michael Jackson music video but without
the raunchy bits of either.."

Slimer  is  not available for comment..  And he won't be able to  read  this
either, being on the PC and all (tee hee!!)

'Symposium Party Highlights Video'
A  sixty  minute special containing all the highlights  of  the classic 1996
Symposium   Convention in Hamburg,   slightly  overweight  blokes in red  t-
shirts  with walkie-talkies,   other blokes waiting at the bus stop for ages
waiting   for the red  t-shirted ones to pull their collective fingers  out,
Amiga owners crashed out in a drunken fit on sweat-stained sleeping bags,Tat
asleep on top of his computer to stop it being stolen by drunk Amiga owners,
artistically fouled sinks, and much much less!!


There   was  this contented PC owner who never had any  hassles   with   his
computer,   enjoyed   spending   money  on constant  upgrades,   never   had
problems  installing  new software,  even enjoyed reinstalling  his   entire
system   after  it wiped itself..   He also had a life-size poster  of  Bill
Gates   in   his bedroom..   On the ceiling!!   Which makes me sick to  even
start thinking the full implications through!

This is, of course, fiction..

(Just the *one* Contented PC owner then?? - ED)


This   issue,   we   interview  the cow behind the BSE  panic,   Betsy   the
dancing cow..

How did you get into the news in such a dramatic way??

"Well  my dears,  I was out with the other cows in the meadow,  I just did a
little  improvised  breakdance number which the  talent  scout  from  Equity
spotted,   and before you could say 'Government Denial',  there I was on the
10 O'clock news!"

Are there many mad cows about??

"Yes,   they  are *livid!* - You feel like someone is out to get you all the
time,  my friends all went into this big white building and did not come out
again.. It really pisses you off!!"

Well that is just understandable paranoia.. Is there anything that can
be done for you and the other mad cows?? ``````````````````````````````

"Well, Farmer Giles could give us proper dancing lessons for a start!!"

Errm, thank you..


'Sim-Wash'   reviewed,   the   follow up to 'Sim Clothes-iron'..   All   the
Hotpoint   thrills   and tension of a typical Saturday  afternoon   in   the

Beer   -   which  gets  you pissed quickest?   We  rate  three,   but   also
recommend   two   others for the weird and  wonderful   additive   chemicals
included with them for the cruellest hangovers!!

The grim tale of the expedition to find the lost ST Floormat!

Much more more,if possible..


A   selection   of  'hits' from the Spice Girls album..  If you  are  really
lucky, you may escape hearing them altogether, run quickly now!!

Until next time..

(C) CiH - April '96,   updated and rewritten in places in June 1997,  as the
original  sort of got missed going into DBA Issue 15,   when  Slimer  pissed
off onto the PC!

Alive 8