THIRD TIME LUCKY!
Now we indulge in a fit of misplaced nostalgia for this issue's Mini-Mag.
Rather than going to the trouble of getting some fresh and original ideas,
we decided to recycle one of the original Mini-mags, back from the days when
I first had the idea. This "issue three" was done originally in one of the
later issues of the Diskbusters magazine, when they did the Falcon only
version, and there was a re-write for a subsequent appearance in the ST+
diskmag. So I'm betting you either won't have seen this at all, or at worst,
won't remember it too well.
Anyway, read on for an insight into how I was thinking in the period around
1996-97. CiH, Jan '04
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\_\_\_\_\_\_ M i N i - M a G I s s u e 3_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
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\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ By C i H and the GanG.\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
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Fun, Fun, Fun!!
WELL HERE WE ARE AGAIN..
Well we thought we would never make it to a third issue, or a second one,
or even a first one, come to think.. Why do we bother, it is the extensive
psycho-reconditioning surgery, the removable hard patches to enable direct
access to our brains installed in our skulls, the countless hours of
live electric current coursing through our delicate little neurones,
bbblurbble blurrble beeep!!
Anyway, this should settle down a bit after the good doctors have
finished injecting carrot juice and barbiturates into our bodies!
Enough of that, let's get on with the show!!
GAMES REVIEWS..
'Sim - Clothes Iron'
A game for any number of players in a combined hardware/software
virtual thrill-like modular interactive experience.. Experience the
finest of close shaves, and realtime piloting skill driving your BS900
Hova-Steam Iron battlewagon across a hostile cotton and polyester
landscape, flattening all before you under the relentless heating power of
your hand-propelled conveyance.. Huge variety of different 'worlds' to try
out (up to 96 in a typical heavy wash!) Ages, mum and upwards..
12.99 - Morphy Richards CD-ROM
'It's another Big Box!'
The latest release by Psygnosis - sorry - Sony Interactive Europe, err no,
they've been sold off again, so it's back to being Psygnosis.. See the
pretty colours on screen, dig the groovy tunes, wear the T-Shirt!! Game??
What Game?? Who said there was going to be a game in there!?!!?
60.99 - Sony Flavourofthemonthstation CD-ROM (1996)
(Prices correct as of April 1996)
*1997 UPDATE* - Now reduced to 3.99 (Bintendo 64 version 129.99!)
DEMO REVIEWS - CONVENTION SPECIAL..
RIBENA 'Long German Name No-one Can Spell Properly' demo
After the brainblasting 'Sonoluminadolescent' demo by their single
productive coder, the rest of Ribena strike back with the 'Aus den
Augen Verlieren' demo.. It is of course, PC only.. When it does appear at a
future coding convention, it is almost certainly going to be ruled out of
the competition, as the German name isn't naff enough!
ODDBALL 'Little bit of Politics' demo
After the groundshaking efforts of Spirits and Pandemonium in bringing
'issues' to demo coding, it was only a matter of time before someone
based an entire megademo around the Maastrict Treaty.. Highly optimised text
compression routines by their chief coder 'Rather Sad' bring you the entire
treaty wording in scrolltext form.. (600MB, CD ROM only)
FUN 'Three Minutetro'
Look, it'll be finished by the time you read to the end of this
article, okay!! (And it will work! Honest..)
ADVERTISING..
ST FLOORMAT:-
Has anyone seen our missing magazine?? Once we were huge, our November 1990
issue contained 180 pages, semi-naked pictures of A.N.Cool and cost
œ2.95..
Now we are gone!! Contact Future Publishing, Bath, England..
Small reward for finder..
Also Missing - Shorthair tabby ST Floormat editor, answers to 'Nick', last
seen in Summer 1996..
UTILITIES..
'Fingers'
These stubby but finely tapering projections out of hands have really
inspired a lot of third party activity to design and produce
peripherals that make full use of them.. Who can forget the
breakthrough that came when 'handles' were produced.. Man and shopping bag
in symbiotic man/machine harmony? And who was that unsung genius who
decided to make nostrils *just* the right size for those fingers?!
Now Microsoft have decided to update a design that has essentially been
trouble-free for the last fifty thousand years, as we are greeted with the
prospect of 'Fingers '97'..
If Microsoft follow their normal business practices, Fingers '97 will
sound fine in theory, but will require you upgrade your arms and hands to
ten times their current capacity at a vast extra cost.. Fingers '97 will
only be able to use recognised Microsoft peripherals, and I believe
they are currently rushing the Microsoft 'Fridge Door beta' to the
marketplace.. Generally, it looks like Fingers '97 will be woefully
undersupported unless Microsoft can get third party developers to
concentrate on it, and to drop the main alternative (Foetus Inc) which
currently has a 100% market share..
Other, unsubstantiated, stories tell us of occasional hardware failures with
Fingers '97, where they sometimes stop working in mid-clench, or simply
just fall off the hand.. Microsoft remain tight-lipped about these
stories, but a brief official communique puts any problems down to user
error, or incorrect arm/hand configurations.. They also remain confident
of substantially reducing the hour-long boot-up procedure for Fingers '97
which takes place first thing in the morning, and this should be in place
some six months after the initial launch..
We are not holding our breath in anticipation!
EDUCATIONAL..
'The Crispfinder General'..
This fearsome figure bestrode the continent of Europe during the dark days
of the 17th Century, rising to prominence during the Thirty Years War, and
going on to purge Northern Germany of all flavours of fried potato snack,
except Plain and Paprika in a wave of nutritional religious
hysteria.. Several thousand Prawn Cocktail and salt and vinegar
flavoured Hugenot refugee packets made their way to England, where the
government of the day was slightly more tolerant of diverse flavours..
There they have stayed to this day, interbreeding to produce even more
different flavours..
Large parts of Europe (especially the area around Hamburg) have still yet
to recover from the damage done by the Crispfinder General..
CODING..
More Programming and culinary confusion from the good book (Delia Smith goes
apeshit on recipes for Notational Logic..)
Blitter Bombe Surprise..
Take three blitters, early series Mega ST blitters are best because they
have had time to mature longest.. If you can't get these, then any other
blitters will do.. Add finely chopped fresh tomatoes, taking care to catch
all the juice, and stir until finely mixed.. Whilst you are doing this,
put a medium saucepan of Tri-methylhexafluoride on to simmer on to a
low gas.. If you cannot get this at your local supermarket or
munitions stockist, then any other reasonably high- powered liquid
explosive substance will do..
Stand well back..
No, further back than that..
Get down you fool!!
Ah...
Oh dear.......
Go back to blackened ruins of kitchen and try to locate as much of the
blitter and tomato mixture that you can find.. The scarred and puckered
flesh of nearby screaming unaware bystanders who got caught by the
explosion is usually a good place to start looking..
Ignore screaming and agonised writhing and dig out such of the mixture
as you can find with a warm teaspoon.. Don't worry if anyone dies on
you, this is quite normal..
When the police arrive, deny everything.. Act surprised!
MULTIMEDIA..
'Confessions of a clapped out Ex-Diskmag Editor'
A most unexpected revivial of the long defunct 1970's 'Confessions' soft
porn series.. The original star Robin Askwith was unavailable due to
'other commitments', so a Dutch lookalike was asked to step in
instead.. The end result has been described by critics as something like
"A cross between Neighbours, and a Michael Jackson music video but without
the raunchy bits of either.."
Slimer is not available for comment.. And he won't be able to read this
either, being on the PC and all (tee hee!!)
'Symposium Party Highlights Video'
A sixty minute special containing all the highlights of the classic 1996
Symposium Convention in Hamburg, slightly overweight blokes in red t-
shirts with walkie-talkies, other blokes waiting at the bus stop for ages
waiting for the red t-shirted ones to pull their collective fingers out,
Amiga owners crashed out in a drunken fit on sweat-stained sleeping bags,Tat
asleep on top of his computer to stop it being stolen by drunk Amiga owners,
artistically fouled sinks, and much much less!!
FICTION..
There was this contented PC owner who never had any hassles with his
computer, enjoyed spending money on constant upgrades, never had
problems installing new software, even enjoyed reinstalling his entire
system after it wiped itself.. He also had a life-size poster of Bill
Gates in his bedroom.. On the ceiling!! Which makes me sick to even
start thinking the full implications through!
This is, of course, fiction..
(Just the *one* Contented PC owner then?? - ED)
INTERVIEW..
This issue, we interview the cow behind the BSE panic, Betsy the
dancing cow..
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How did you get into the news in such a dramatic way??
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"Well my dears, I was out with the other cows in the meadow, I just did a
little improvised breakdance number which the talent scout from Equity
spotted, and before you could say 'Government Denial', there I was on the
10 O'clock news!"
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Are there many mad cows about??
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"Yes, they are *livid!* - You feel like someone is out to get you all the
time, my friends all went into this big white building and did not come out
again.. It really pisses you off!!"
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Well that is just understandable paranoia.. Is there anything that can
be done for you and the other mad cows?? ``````````````````````````````
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"Well, Farmer Giles could give us proper dancing lessons for a start!!"
.................
Errm, thank you..
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NEXT ISSUE..
'Sim-Wash' reviewed, the follow up to 'Sim Clothes-iron'.. All the
Hotpoint thrills and tension of a typical Saturday afternoon in the
kitchen!!
Beer - which gets you pissed quickest? We rate three, but also
recommend two others for the weird and wonderful additive chemicals
included with them for the cruellest hangovers!!
The grim tale of the expedition to find the lost ST Floormat!
Much more more,if possible..
THE FAT LADY SINGS..
A selection of 'hits' from the Spice Girls album.. If you are really
lucky, you may escape hearing them altogether, run quickly now!!
Until next time..
(C) CiH - April '96, updated and rewritten in places in June 1997, as the
original sort of got missed going into DBA Issue 15, when Slimer pissed
off onto the PC!
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