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          Things that piss me off!

It's me again,  you know,  Gus Spank articles are like buses. They are dirty
green in colour, slow and diesel belching, full of schoolkids and headcases,
and have a faint smell of wee lingering in the seat covers.  Here is another
article, written in a far more self-indulgent vein than the other one!

American  Smiles - You know the teeth baring rictus grimace indulged  in  by
our  transatlantic friends..  All their expensive orthodontistry is on show,
even  down  to the gums.  It's an unnatural face to make,  and takes a  real
effort to maintain to the point of rupturing cheekbones if it is kept up for
more than a couple of minutes at a stretch. Maybe they have a special "grin-
gym", where they go to work out to perfect that tooth-revealing insanity.

You  can  duplicate  this facial deformity in a quick and  easy  stylee,  by
setting off an explosion in a paint factory,  then running away from it, but
not quite quickly enough. The resulting flash burns to the back of your head
thus tighten the skin on your face,  pulling the lips back and away from the
mouth area, putting your teeth on the primetime edition of "Autopsy Now!"


Twat light - The single working rear foglight on a car,  which the person in
front insists on showing you,  when there is no fog to hand,  no prospect of
fog  on  the  weather forecast,  no artificial dry-ice fog  making  machines
running amok out of the back of a rock band's tour-bus,  and when you are in
well-lit nose to tail rush hour urban traffic immediately behind them.  That
garish  red  glare,  many times brighter than is required,  is the nocturnal
warning sign of someone with absolutely no awareness of their  surroundings,
or what the point of them is, hence, twat light!

(The fact that it is a single working rear light, as in one out of two, is a
significant  clue as to the nature of the beast in front.  It confirms  that
they  do  not  have  a clue about car maintenance,  to add  to  a  generally
overlong list of lameness!)


Drive-Time local radio - Is the in-flight muzak they will be playing on  the
hand-cart to hell!  Bleaty Westlifey boy band whose emasculated musings make
Bryan Adams look hard and edgy. And talking of thrice-hourly soft-rock, here
he is again!!  That buzzing in your ear, you try to brush it off, but it has
a canadian accent,  and doesn't ever go away!  Yes it is an easy target, but
it  attracts  people  with  recessive genes,  who don't get out  a  lot,  to
promote,  support,  and  present  it.  And  if  you  ever want a  wrong  and
reactionary opinion on the "issue of the day", this is the place to goto!


The  person,  at  the  scene of any personal or major disaster,  who can  be
overheard  saying"There's a lesson in that!" This is a phrase used  by  the
unintelligent  to  give themselves a false sense of  gravitas,  wisdom,  and
smugness at stating the bleeding obvious.  It is rare that they are taken up
on this inane catchphrase, or stopped in any way.

The best way to deal with these goes as follows.

1.  Fiercely  interrogate that person repeatedly as to what the "lesson" is.
"What  IS  the fucking lesson then!?" and "Just for the  sake  of  argument,
pretend I've had a recent head injury and need everything explaining to  me,
so can you tell me what the lesson is supposed to be?!" - An aggressive tone
of voice is quite good.

2.  When you fail to get an answer,  point out what the evidence of your own
eyes tells you,  thus, "Well I think everyone gathered here can see that you
shouldn't  inhale paint fumes and then try to operate a bacon slicer at  the
same time!"

3. Let the red mist descend.....

4.  Explain  to  the police the provocation imposed on you by  the  recently
mangled corpse telling them "There's a lesson in that!"

5. Police refuse to prosecute, understand totally.

You  might  be better off sticking with steps 1 - 2 though,  as some  police
don't have much empathy.


More driving related irritants (yawn!)

1.  You  are  approaching a stationary queue of traffic,  you are slowing to
stop,  when  the person at the back of the queue momentarily dabs his  brake
lights at you in a self-important manner.

And  pray  tell  me,  what  is the reason for that?  Does he think  I  am  a
registered blind person, not actually able to see objects properly, but only
able to register different intensities of light??  Does he think his actions
make the difference between me coming to a safe stop,  and me ploughing into
the back of him? If that were the case, I don't think I should be driving at

2.  Gits  who  try to sneak into a line of traffic ahead of  their  rightful
place  in  that line,  and block the people behind them from going  anywhere
whilst  doing so!  Here is a map of the worst place in Northampton for  this
sort of behaviour!

Picture  the  scene,  the right hand lane is full of traffic waiting  for  a
right hand traffic light filter,  bored, unmoving. You are free to go in the
left  hand  lane.  Then the person immediately in front of you decides  that
they  want to go right,  preferably without having to wait for their turn at
the  back  of  the queue,  like the rest of the sheep.  So they  sit  there,
indicator  blinking forlornly,  pleading to be let in.  The other lot on the
right are justifiably pissed off with this, and make this sucker wait for as
long  as  possible.  But at the same time,  you cannot get past and you  are
blocked in!

This  calls  for  a careful note of registration number  +  access  to  DVLA
database + address + brick + midnight visit = smashed in car windows!

So if a Bryan Adams fan is trying to queue-jump,  blocking your way,  whilst
showing  a  fog light,  no jury in the land can convict you for the  ensuing
road rage cataclysm that kills them!

That's it, I'm outta here!

Gusspank in 2004

Alive 8