GUS
SPANK!
Things that piss me off!
It's me again, you know, Gus Spank articles are like buses. They are dirty
green in colour, slow and diesel belching, full of schoolkids and headcases,
and have a faint smell of wee lingering in the seat covers. Here is another
article, written in a far more self-indulgent vein than the other one!
American Smiles - You know the teeth baring rictus grimace indulged in by
our transatlantic friends.. All their expensive orthodontistry is on show,
even down to the gums. It's an unnatural face to make, and takes a real
effort to maintain to the point of rupturing cheekbones if it is kept up for
more than a couple of minutes at a stretch. Maybe they have a special "grin-
gym", where they go to work out to perfect that tooth-revealing insanity.
You can duplicate this facial deformity in a quick and easy stylee, by
setting off an explosion in a paint factory, then running away from it, but
not quite quickly enough. The resulting flash burns to the back of your head
thus tighten the skin on your face, pulling the lips back and away from the
mouth area, putting your teeth on the primetime edition of "Autopsy Now!"
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Twat light - The single working rear foglight on a car, which the person in
front insists on showing you, when there is no fog to hand, no prospect of
fog on the weather forecast, no artificial dry-ice fog making machines
running amok out of the back of a rock band's tour-bus, and when you are in
well-lit nose to tail rush hour urban traffic immediately behind them. That
garish red glare, many times brighter than is required, is the nocturnal
warning sign of someone with absolutely no awareness of their surroundings,
or what the point of them is, hence, twat light!
(The fact that it is a single working rear light, as in one out of two, is a
significant clue as to the nature of the beast in front. It confirms that
they do not have a clue about car maintenance, to add to a generally
overlong list of lameness!)
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Drive-Time local radio - Is the in-flight muzak they will be playing on the
hand-cart to hell! Bleaty Westlifey boy band whose emasculated musings make
Bryan Adams look hard and edgy. And talking of thrice-hourly soft-rock, here
he is again!! That buzzing in your ear, you try to brush it off, but it has
a canadian accent, and doesn't ever go away! Yes it is an easy target, but
it attracts people with recessive genes, who don't get out a lot, to
promote, support, and present it. And if you ever want a wrong and
reactionary opinion on the "issue of the day", this is the place to goto!
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The person, at the scene of any personal or major disaster, who can be
overheard saying"There's a lesson in that!" This is a phrase used by the
unintelligent to give themselves a false sense of gravitas, wisdom, and
smugness at stating the bleeding obvious. It is rare that they are taken up
on this inane catchphrase, or stopped in any way.
The best way to deal with these goes as follows.
1. Fiercely interrogate that person repeatedly as to what the "lesson" is.
"What IS the fucking lesson then!?" and "Just for the sake of argument,
pretend I've had a recent head injury and need everything explaining to me,
so can you tell me what the lesson is supposed to be?!" - An aggressive tone
of voice is quite good.
2. When you fail to get an answer, point out what the evidence of your own
eyes tells you, thus, "Well I think everyone gathered here can see that you
shouldn't inhale paint fumes and then try to operate a bacon slicer at the
same time!"
3. Let the red mist descend.....
4. Explain to the police the provocation imposed on you by the recently
mangled corpse telling them "There's a lesson in that!"
5. Police refuse to prosecute, understand totally.
You might be better off sticking with steps 1 - 2 though, as some police
don't have much empathy.
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More driving related irritants (yawn!)
1. You are approaching a stationary queue of traffic, you are slowing to
stop, when the person at the back of the queue momentarily dabs his brake
lights at you in a self-important manner.
And pray tell me, what is the reason for that? Does he think I am a
registered blind person, not actually able to see objects properly, but only
able to register different intensities of light?? Does he think his actions
make the difference between me coming to a safe stop, and me ploughing into
the back of him? If that were the case, I don't think I should be driving at
all!
2. Gits who try to sneak into a line of traffic ahead of their rightful
place in that line, and block the people behind them from going anywhere
whilst doing so! Here is a map of the worst place in Northampton for this
sort of behaviour!
Picture the scene, the right hand lane is full of traffic waiting for a
right hand traffic light filter, bored, unmoving. You are free to go in the
left hand lane. Then the person immediately in front of you decides that
they want to go right, preferably without having to wait for their turn at
the back of the queue, like the rest of the sheep. So they sit there,
indicator blinking forlornly, pleading to be let in. The other lot on the
right are justifiably pissed off with this, and make this sucker wait for as
long as possible. But at the same time, you cannot get past and you are
blocked in!
This calls for a careful note of registration number + access to DVLA
database + address + brick + midnight visit = smashed in car windows!
So if a Bryan Adams fan is trying to queue-jump, blocking your way, whilst
showing a fog light, no jury in the land can convict you for the ensuing
road rage cataclysm that kills them!
That's it, I'm outta here!
Gusspank in 2004
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