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"Resistance is useless, and frankly, a bit unexpected!"


Now  the  camel-shit has really hit the fan,  with the start of  hostilities
against Iraq.  Normal Mini-mag service has been suspended,  much like regime
opponents,  from  trees  and lamp-posts with meathooks,  whilst it rages and
instead, we bring you this specious special edition of Mini-War!

Hard News and Stupid Fatuous Rumours:

Poorly defined hopeful rumour elevated to the status of big news! Rolling 24
hour Mini-Mag breaks the stories as they happen,  possibly,  maybe, and then
we'll  rethink and downplay them a bit later on when the actual truth  pokes
its face out into the open. (Source:- Sky News, BBC, NBC, CNN, and that Arab 
one, Al-Wossname.)

George Bush and Tony Blair combine to form Gestalt entity! The newly renamed
"Bushblair"  also has the ability to talk out of parts of their  body  other
than  their  mouths!  Skip to the rather obvious joke forming in your  minds
around about now!  (Source:-

Shock  News!  Country that opposes war in Iraq does so purely on  principle,
and found not to have sold loads of weapons to them previously (and is still
owed  tons of cash for them!) I can't name the country unfortunately,  as it
is on the planet Mars,  and the name is unpronounceable to the human tongue!

Unsold X-Box consoles to be parachute dropped to Iraqi-held cities, in order
to  lower  morale.  UN  General Secretary Kofi  Annan  denounces  "Excessive
cruelty  to helpless civilians" implicit in the headline immediately  above.
Urges  belligerent parties to refrain from using  allegedly  easy-to-install
versions of Microsoft O/S Windows. (Source:-

Some real headlines now:

"F18's  Bomb RG in Baghdad" - So what are the Reservoir Gods doing there  in
the first place, and why are they targets?!

Neutrality  rules  okay  in one of the countries next door to  the  war,  as
Iranian  protests,  inspired  by their anti-US stance,  but also coloured by
their  eight year war with Iraq during the 1980's,  show off both "Death  to 
the USA!", and also "Death to Saddam!" banners. Talk about evenhanded!

8-4-03 A classic case of abysmal timing with "Five dead in Israeli strike on
Gaza."  As in "We're feeling a bit left out of things,  and we want to  kill 
some Arabs too!" (!?)

Demo Reviews:

'Weltschmertz Demo Remix' - Now using 'Real Schmertz' digitised footage from
the battlefield, or Baghdad, which may be the same thing? Is compatible with
a  little-known  Falcon '030 emulator running on  US  Army  backpack-mounted
global  positioning  systems.  Organised squad-level viewings of  this,  and
other Falcon '030 demo classics,  have been very popular, in between waiting
for gunfire and sandstorms.


DOWNLOAD!  Pro  and Anti-War ringtones for your mobile!  Compatible with all
Nokia and Sagem handsets, and also XP50 frequency hopping military radios!

Pro-War - 08988 700700 - Go USA! / I love the smell of napalm in the morning
/ Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hussein / Stuck in the middle (of  the
desert) with you / Three wheels on my Humvee....

Anti-War - 08988 700777 - Fellow Jihadists die in a righteous cause / Do you
really want to bomb me? / Ninety-nine red (chemical filled) balloons / Never
mind the Basra, here's the sex pistols! / Yasir, I can Boogie!

All calls cost a minimum 75 billion dollars for five minutes.


Protective  headgear  is  good  in this sort  of  situation,  in  fact  many
authorities  on  the subject say it is vital.  The Royal Marine soldier  who
took four direct bullet impacts on his helmet and survived, uninjured, has a
lot  to be thankful for.  However,  UK Ministry of Defence sources refuse to
deny  that he was being taken prisoner with a load of soon to be  made  dead
people by the Iraqis at the time!

(Postwar  Ed-note:  The  very last word on this incident,  was that it was a 
prank  by the soldier concerned.  He didn't actually say anything to anybody 
at the time though, just let the media draw its own conclusions!) 


This is a real one too. These offer a list of
US  companies  to  be  boycotted by  concerned  citizens,  the  list  is/was
available as a *Microsoft Word* document! Oops.

*Quote  of the War!* (Until Saddam comes up with something  brilliantly  off
the wall at least.) From

"Note to the individual manning the CBS Live webcam: Please make sure you're 
out  of  the  frame  before rooting around in  your  nose.  It's  remarkably 


'Air-Raid  in  Line' - This coding party sucked bigtime.  The excessive  and
dangerous  travel ruled it out for all but the most dedicated.  I mean,  had
anyone  ever tried Baghdad as a venue before?  Sand gets into  *everything*,
disk drives,  coke bottles,  and worm bags.  The competition screenings were
interrupted  by frequent explosions and power cuts,  and the fake demo entry
"Funny  Moustache"  resulted in the makers being taken away  by  the  secret
police,  and  lots  of  cowering  under tables from  the  other  competition

To my mind, this party was only beaten in overall ghastliness by last year's
Mekka Symposium!


APPEAL,  for genuine design label leisurewear,  at sensible prices. Our lads
aren't  so keen to fight on for the motherland in their chafing  restrictive
army  uniforms,  but  it is hardly good for our image if they  are  captured
wearing cheap imitation label shellsuits by the crusader forces. Please send
any  donations  of good quality leisure clothing,  real design  labels  ONLY
please, to  the  Feyadeen Central Command,  124 Uday Hussein Plaza,  Baghdad
Central, quickly, before it's bombed. Thanks in anticipation infidel kidz!

"In"  demo effects for the Spring Collection 2003;  Textured escape tunnels,
oldskool 'rolling news' wibbly text scrollers (Al Jazeera given source  code
for  knocking  out bottom border on TV screen!) 3-D Polygons that  form  the
shape of food parcels, rotozoom military briefings for both sides....

"Out"  demo  effects  for  the Spring Collection  2003;  3-D  Polygons  that
uncannily form the shape of a Stealth Bomber! Erm, fire effects perhaps...

There  is  a trend for increased dissatisfaction among some  of  the  allied
fighting forces in the later stages of the conflict.  Disgruntled US Marines
could  be seen wandering around Bahgdad wearing t-shirts bearing the  legend
"I raided Saddam's palaces,  and all I got was this lousy gold-plated toilet 


We whisk ourselves off to Allied Central Command, and get the lowdown on the
latest, from General Tommy Franks.

MM:  General,  it  seems  that hopes of a quick collapse of the Iraqi regime
have  not  come about,  and that the colition forces are meeting  unexpected
resistance, what do you say to that?

TF: Well I would say that operations are broadly going to plan.

MM:  Really?  The  impression  that  the public are getting,  is one of some
confusion and uncertainty,  that the allied forces are somewhat surprised by
the conflict environment in Iraq,  encapsulated in the comments overheard in
the American sector of the frontline "Geez, we didn't expect people to shoot
back  at  us,  we're the good guys?!" and "That's unfair,  it wasn't in  the

TF:  Well it is planned broad confusion!  Hell, I don't even know where I am
and who I am, some days! And who's shooting back, where is it coming from?!"
(Champagne cork goes off) INCOMING! (Hides under camouflaged table.)

MM: Oh dear!


Hang on, here's an extract of a speech from Mr Saddam himself or a cunningly
pre-recorded  facsimile,  on  Iraqi state television,  it seems like he  has
modelled himself on that well-known British bulldog,  Winston Churchill,  to
some extent..

"We  will  fight  them,  sons  of bitches.  We will fight them  from  school 
playgrounds, we will fight them from inside hospitals, and from behind women 
and children, we will pretend to surrender......"

(An editor pauses.. Damn, this war was worse than anyone thought. It made 
wankers out of everyone who had a viewpoint on it, pro and anti alike. And 
I'm not excluding this column from that critique!)


'Chemical  Ali',  main  enforcer  of the Saddamite  regime,  putter-down  of
rebellions,  non-payer of *massive* gas bills, and extreme torture fan, will
be  henceforth known as "Biological Ali" after his very timely  death,  once
bodily decomposition starts to kick in!

Classified ads:

PRICE  CRASH!  -  Second-hand glorious leader statues,  all sizes,  from four
feet  personal worship objects,  to four hundred feet megalomaniac megaliths
seen  citywide.  NOW  AVAILABLE!  All in variable condition,  from completely
bolloxed by armoured recovery vehicles and angry crowds,  to the merely spat

Apply for full catalogue from S.Hussein and Sons, somewhere over the border,
from  here,  and  no  we're not telling you exactly where,  in case you  set
another pack of robotic aerial infidel assassins on our trail!


A  statement issued of behalf of all world press and electronic media  in  a
semi-rhyming fashion..

Bahgdad  liberation....  Scenes of jubilation....  Surely it can't last?!...
Please  let  something  go wrong soon?!...  Aha what's  this!...  Scenes  of
looting  and  disorder...  Allies  get a grip!...  Need a firm hand to  take
charge.... One man has the knack.... BRING SADDAM BACK!!!!

And another thing:

Does  anyone  out there know what the Arabic translation is for  the  saying
"What goes up, must come down"?!

"Go on, empty another AK clip wildly into the sky Ali, it's Wednesday, we're 
still alive! Let's celebrate!" (But not for long if you stand around for too
long in the same place!)

Fat lady screams this time around..

She  blows  a  blood vessel gasping the single word  "War!"  Over  and  over

CiH, for Alive! Mag,around the time Gulf-War II happened!

Alive 7