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Alive 6

It  seems that the chances of winning the big prize on the  National  Lottery 
are  very  small.  It  seems that odds of fourteen million to one  have  been 
quoted.  Now  it  also  seems  that these astronomically  long  odds  improve 
dramatically  if  you  are a petty criminal,  as the latest  winner  of  nine 
million pounds seems to come with an electronic tag attached! And this is not 
for the first time either, as the Lotto seems to attract winners named "Lee", 
who  have a hobby of taking things that don't belong to them from  the  place 
they should be!

There is already a term for this kind of winner, "Vermillionaire"made up out 
of  "vermin"and "millionaire",geddit? Anyway,  I'm sure there are lots of 
lucrative  retail opportunities coming up,  intended to make the best out  of 
this  strangely interesting market demographic.  We now speculate on what the 
National  Lottery winner with a 'colourful' past might be buying in the  very 
near future!

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Home Shopping, for the Lotto Vermillionare in your life!

From Boosley, Hawkes and Saachi,
purveyors of distinction to gentlefolk,
and not-so-gentle folk,
since 1863!

Enjoy  narrowly  averting a custodial sentence,  with the Rolex Oyster  gold-
plated electronic tagging cuff.  It features a special "Jeffrey Archer" mode, 
programmable  by the offender,  where you can go the hell you like,  when you 
like, with no repercussions! A snip, with free wirecutters at 8000 Eur.

Get  the bad news of your trial date on some top quality paperwork,  such  as 
the gilt-edged Court Summons,  presented on original 16th century Shakespeare 
folio  paper  parchment  scroll,  like wot 'e wrote plays  on.  Available  in 
Magistrate, Crown, and High Court colours. Sent down to 150 Eur each!

The  new  spring  wear range from Selfridges includes  a  set  of  ceremonial
ermine-lined deep-pocketed shoplifting robes (with a gold and jewel decorated
baseball cap),  for visiting the top people's stores without paying, that is,
Lidl,  Netto,  or  Kwiksave.  Has  "U R Shit" and "Millwall Boot Boys 4ever!"
embroidered  in  gold  thread  on the back of  the  garment.  Follow  in  the
footsteps of Winona Ryder for a mere 1500 Eur!

Get  in  the  frame (and get the window open!) with De  Beers  new  range  of 
diamond-encrusted housebreaking tools which add some considerable distinction 
and elegance to your larceny. Don't get stopped by the police whilst carrying 
any old crowbar! It's a steal for 2000 Eur for the set.

Our  associate  company,  "Jeeves  Corporation"  can  provide  a  butler  and 
manservant  for hire.  He is very good at carrying out vermillionaire duties, 
such  as outstanding community service orders,  alfresco spitting and  abuse, 
discreet  removal of beer-sick from walls,  and loss of temper at appropriate 
times,  ie  pub  closing and high street apres piss-up  informal  gatherings. 
Jeeves,  with  a  helpful handful of toilet tissue paper,  is available for a 
weekly hiring rate of 1000 Eur.

For  those  tender  family moments,  you could do no better than  to  indulge 
yourself with a mink Gucchi punchbag shaped into a common-law wife and  kids. 
It electronically simulates lifelike screams and cowering, but it is twice as 
good,  as  you  don't  go to jail this time!  All the happy families  without 
unnecessary bloodshed, for 5000 Eur.

On  the  road,  why not take a spin in the Rolls Royce Silver Scumbag  custom
white  van,  for those cross channel "No these 3000 cartons are for  personal
consumption, honest!" booze and fags runs, featuring a customised his n' hers
windscreen  sticker,  "Jason" for the drivers side and "The right  honourable
Lady  Clarissa  Fyffe-Bourne" on the passenger side.  Also including  a  full
colour  LCD screen bolted on the rear of the vehicle to indicate  two  finger
ritual dominance gestures when passing other road users.  Drive this one away
for 50,000 Eur!

Go  for the ultimate council house exchange and upgrade to  Blenheim  Palace, 
it's owned by the public,  innit? The formerly immaculate gardens and grounds 
can  be strewn with pre-supplied piss-stained and burnt out mattresses,  dead 
washing machines, and the semi-dismantled carcasses of MOT failure cars going 
back  twenty years.  If you have to ask the price,  you probably can't afford 
it, but if you're a true vermillionaire, you won't bother paying it anyway!

Now every prole and yoof and young offender wants a big telly in their  life. 
The more unfeasibly huge,  the better. At the top of the oversized loud prole 
status   tree  is  the  Sony-Toshiba  Giga-Widesurroundscreen   Home   Cinema 
Television, with Octaphonic sound system, and a forty-two foot screen. With a 
spare  one supplied for when those nasty bailiffs come "collecting" for  your 
unpaid  council  tax,  so you can get rid of them quickly,  and maintain your 
viewing pleasure. So you're brain dead now, pay us 10,000 Eur!

The  Chippendale reproduction 'Alibi Chair' is perhaps the ultimate 'get  out 
of jail free' card.  A cleverly designed concept combines authentic old world 
seating arrangements with some current electronic voice trickery prepared  to 
swear  blind  that  you were sitting peacefully at  home,  and  not  riffling 
through  the  contents of the local off-licence,  at midnight,  which is some 
time  after  normal  business hours.  It is currently available in  calm  and 
authoritative Duke of Norfolk and Marquess of Bath models and colours. Put an 
end to those early morning police raid blues, for a mere 5000 Eur.

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Had enough yet? I have!

CiH, for Alive! Mag,Nov '02

Alive 6