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  Hi there ! My name is Slaaren Stienbac from the mighty Peecee crew Mental Ass
Burners (aka MAB) and I'm here live from the Assembly 2k2, the party that's not
for lamers (if you weren't there then you know  you are a lamer). It's my great
pleasure - and duty  to third  world sceners - to give you an  unbiased view on
what has been (once again) a tremendous event in the whole universe !

  I won't tell you about our trip to Helsinki  since most of you, 16 biters and
worse, would surely need some time to unpack some much data at once :) Let's go
directly to Helsinki, Finland.

 This time the partyplace is a huge dead  meat warehouse and that rules ! Once
you've queued for about 5 hours, you are happily welcomed by a gorgeous female
who'll give you a nice sticker "intel inside, brains  outside". Yeah cool, you
can even buy Mac Donald's  and Microsoft's  tee shirts right from the entrance
hall ! After  buying  a couple  of teeshirts (you  have to as specified in the
invitation text), you are taken to some gestapo like dark  room where all your
activities will be questioned. I managed to hide from the to officers my early
love for  small  computers  like  MSX  or Atari. I  was a  bit worried but had
thought of that and downloaded Lobotomy 7.78 before leaving (so smart !).

  Finally, another two and a half  hours later, I could  enjoy the heat  in the
mainroom ! Ah so many  brains turned on by  creative matters ! Well no time for
bullshit, I had  to unpack  my Peecee (which  came in two  cars because it's no
faggot's Peecee !) and make sure it was  all fine. I ran scandisk, my antivirus
and took some hours to launch defrag before I could safely use it (well windowz
crashed a few times but fewer than usual). I  was a bit scared when I found out
that my 3D card would  be recognized as a modem ! After shuffling  through some
bootdisks I had taken with me (I  even sleep with them) I could happily  reboot
and launch some Quake3. Now I was settled !

Day One :

 Indeed day one was the first  day I spent there, in case  you should ask me. I
had a great deal of fun playing Quake with erm some guys or others. Dunno their
name, but hey they're suckers since I fragged  them more than once ! Some noisy
people seemed to  be playing an  odd game, surely  some antique  crap as  their
screen only read text, instructions and unreadable stuff. I can't believe there
are still guys interested in text adventures ! some others seemed to move their
mouse to do  weird stuff, putting  pixels here  and there  but  that's  another
boring game I won't describe any further.

 At 3pm my  friends and I  got drunk, that was  so cool ! Then we searched for
some fun and found out  there was a  place where they  "kept" old sceners ! We
reached them and  pretended to be interested  in how they managed to code on a
coffee machine ! :) They showed us stuff  and I kept asking  why gfx looked so
crappy, did they troubles  with their 3D card ? They told us about 8 or 16 Mhz
machines (I call it junk) and spoke some foreign words like "optimisation" and
"breaking the limits" ! Hey are  these guys outlaws or something ? In order to
keep our sceners status clean, we soon left them in their sectlike ceremonies.

 As we had seen the most of the  party heat, ie quaking  and laming around, we
bought more beers and sat down to watch ASSEMBLY TV. The girl on TV was pretty
nice looking (reminds me to download more porn as soon as I get back to my PC)
tho she kept asking questions  to weirdos doing some creative stuff with their
machine. We gulped  more liters of beers and kept watching TV throwing peanuts
at the screen...

Day Two :

 Woke up in the toilets (uh the smell!) some minutes ago... Seems like someone
puked in  the basin  next to  me (or was  it me ?). Can't remember  right what
happened last night... Crawled to my peecee and found some relief listening to
windows opening tune... Uh much better than aspirin !

 I first felt like playing Quake3 again but dunno why fast movements tended to
make me sick so I decided to buy Mac Donald's Special called "Intel Inside"...
Tasted like shit (wonder why) still I ate three of them...

 Kept wandering for a while then I got  back  to my Peecee  as my  crew  was to
present  another  asskicking production  that would surely  win the first prize
(hope it makes  enough money so that the whole  trip wasn't a complete waste of
time). Our coder was working  hard with DirectX while our gfxman was busy doing
stuff with  Photocrop (impressive talent  the guy has !!) and  our musician was
remixing Axel Folley goes hardcore (that's really muzakk man!!!!!). I left them
doing their stuff, not  that I  care much, I'm  mainly handling business and we
NEED to win some prize as gas isn't that cheap these days !

 I soon grew bored with the  assembly stuff and  opened another beer... to get
in the mood for the boring entries show... Luckily  enough, the organizers met
some troubles and all compos were delayed, just the time to reboot windozz and
reinstall some  devices... Enough  for us to swallow another couple  of beers.
From the buzzing  sound emitted from the heavy  speakers I understood that the
music compo  had started... Can't  remember how many  entries  were presented,
maybe because you never knew when one ended and the following started... Maybe
there were 40 entries, or only 4 ? I really can't tell but anyway who cares ??

  Then followed the raytraced gfx compo (or was it the pixellised entries ?)
with plenty of nacked chicks. I decided to vote for the one with the biggest
tits, really made me horny (humm  gotta go to the toilets  now and polish my
joystick :).

  Back to my peecee I had the brilliant  idea to start my  internet connection
to find some porn while the demo compo started on the giant (blue ?) screen...
Most of the entries were damn  amazing, waouh, how could you guess what can be
achieved on a humble AMD +2000 with 512Mb of ram + 64Mb Geforce ??? I'm pretty
sure the  old  school  freaks must  be drooling  like hell seeing  env. mapped
objects, blobs, bumpmapping and much more ! Poor guys, so many nice fx they'll
never be able to enjoy on their "coffee" machines ! I SINCERELY feel sorry for
the poor creatures (hmm maybe I have a coin in a pocket ?).

  Anyway, let's not be sad for them... Indeed we told them a lort of times that
they should drop their lame  machines... Bah, can't do  more than that... Btw I
hope their had NO right to vote ! They DON'T EVEN  know what 'mapping' means !!
That would be quite a shame  to count their voices in such serious compos. Then
what ? Give them right to vote for our president ? Hell, shit, no way !

  Hmm I'm getting mad... must be the pressure... Let's have more beers and I'll
get back to this article later...


Day Three :

  UH! I woke up in a big trashcan  standing outside the  partyplace ! I guess I
was attacked by one of these beggers, erm 16biters I mean... I clearly remember
drinking "some" beer and then I visited  them to show some compassion... I seem
to remember  them being quite drunk and throwing beer cans at us (have a bit of
a doubt tho but can't be another way). Bastards ! Just when I was about to tell
them that there was no  shame quitting a shitty  computer. Bah, last  time I'll
try to make  my fellows feel  better. Hmm I need to reassemble my stuff now and
go back home... I start working again tomorrow for the Social Community again.

  End of file...

Alive 6