ALMOST LIVE FROM
THE
ASSEMBLY 2K2
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Hi there ! My name is Slaaren Stienbac from the mighty Peecee crew Mental Ass
Burners (aka MAB) and I'm here live from the Assembly 2k2, the party that's not
for lamers (if you weren't there then you know you are a lamer). It's my great
pleasure - and duty to third world sceners - to give you an unbiased view on
what has been (once again) a tremendous event in the whole universe !
I won't tell you about our trip to Helsinki since most of you, 16 biters and
worse, would surely need some time to unpack some much data at once :) Let's go
directly to Helsinki, Finland.
This time the partyplace is a huge dead meat warehouse and that rules ! Once
you've queued for about 5 hours, you are happily welcomed by a gorgeous female
who'll give you a nice sticker "intel inside, brains outside". Yeah cool, you
can even buy Mac Donald's and Microsoft's tee shirts right from the entrance
hall ! After buying a couple of teeshirts (you have to as specified in the
invitation text), you are taken to some gestapo like dark room where all your
activities will be questioned. I managed to hide from the to officers my early
love for small computers like MSX or Atari. I was a bit worried but had
thought of that and downloaded Lobotomy 7.78 before leaving (so smart !).
Finally, another two and a half hours later, I could enjoy the heat in the
mainroom ! Ah so many brains turned on by creative matters ! Well no time for
bullshit, I had to unpack my Peecee (which came in two cars because it's no
faggot's Peecee !) and make sure it was all fine. I ran scandisk, my antivirus
and took some hours to launch defrag before I could safely use it (well windowz
crashed a few times but fewer than usual). I was a bit scared when I found out
that my 3D card would be recognized as a modem ! After shuffling through some
bootdisks I had taken with me (I even sleep with them) I could happily reboot
and launch some Quake3. Now I was settled !
Day One :
Indeed day one was the first day I spent there, in case you should ask me. I
had a great deal of fun playing Quake with erm some guys or others. Dunno their
name, but hey they're suckers since I fragged them more than once ! Some noisy
people seemed to be playing an odd game, surely some antique crap as their
screen only read text, instructions and unreadable stuff. I can't believe there
are still guys interested in text adventures ! some others seemed to move their
mouse to do weird stuff, putting pixels here and there but that's another
boring game I won't describe any further.
At 3pm my friends and I got drunk, that was so cool ! Then we searched for
some fun and found out there was a place where they "kept" old sceners ! We
reached them and pretended to be interested in how they managed to code on a
coffee machine ! :) They showed us stuff and I kept asking why gfx looked so
crappy, did they troubles with their 3D card ? They told us about 8 or 16 Mhz
machines (I call it junk) and spoke some foreign words like "optimisation" and
"breaking the limits" ! Hey are these guys outlaws or something ? In order to
keep our sceners status clean, we soon left them in their sectlike ceremonies.
As we had seen the most of the party heat, ie quaking and laming around, we
bought more beers and sat down to watch ASSEMBLY TV. The girl on TV was pretty
nice looking (reminds me to download more porn as soon as I get back to my PC)
tho she kept asking questions to weirdos doing some creative stuff with their
machine. We gulped more liters of beers and kept watching TV throwing peanuts
at the screen...
Day Two :
Woke up in the toilets (uh the smell!) some minutes ago... Seems like someone
puked in the basin next to me (or was it me ?). Can't remember right what
happened last night... Crawled to my peecee and found some relief listening to
windows opening tune... Uh much better than aspirin !
I first felt like playing Quake3 again but dunno why fast movements tended to
make me sick so I decided to buy Mac Donald's Special called "Intel Inside"...
Tasted like shit (wonder why) still I ate three of them...
Kept wandering for a while then I got back to my Peecee as my crew was to
present another asskicking production that would surely win the first prize
(hope it makes enough money so that the whole trip wasn't a complete waste of
time). Our coder was working hard with DirectX while our gfxman was busy doing
stuff with Photocrop (impressive talent the guy has !!) and our musician was
remixing Axel Folley goes hardcore (that's really muzakk man!!!!!). I left them
doing their stuff, not that I care much, I'm mainly handling business and we
NEED to win some prize as gas isn't that cheap these days !
I soon grew bored with the assembly stuff and opened another beer... to get
in the mood for the boring entries show... Luckily enough, the organizers met
some troubles and all compos were delayed, just the time to reboot windozz and
reinstall some devices... Enough for us to swallow another couple of beers.
From the buzzing sound emitted from the heavy speakers I understood that the
music compo had started... Can't remember how many entries were presented,
maybe because you never knew when one ended and the following started... Maybe
there were 40 entries, or only 4 ? I really can't tell but anyway who cares ??
Then followed the raytraced gfx compo (or was it the pixellised entries ?)
with plenty of nacked chicks. I decided to vote for the one with the biggest
tits, really made me horny (humm gotta go to the toilets now and polish my
joystick :).
Back to my peecee I had the brilliant idea to start my internet connection
to find some porn while the demo compo started on the giant (blue ?) screen...
Most of the entries were damn amazing, waouh, how could you guess what can be
achieved on a humble AMD +2000 with 512Mb of ram + 64Mb Geforce ??? I'm pretty
sure the old school freaks must be drooling like hell seeing env. mapped
objects, blobs, bumpmapping and much more ! Poor guys, so many nice fx they'll
never be able to enjoy on their "coffee" machines ! I SINCERELY feel sorry for
the poor creatures (hmm maybe I have a coin in a pocket ?).
Anyway, let's not be sad for them... Indeed we told them a lort of times that
they should drop their lame machines... Bah, can't do more than that... Btw I
hope their had NO right to vote ! They DON'T EVEN know what 'mapping' means !!
That would be quite a shame to count their voices in such serious compos. Then
what ? Give them right to vote for our president ? Hell, shit, no way !
Hmm I'm getting mad... must be the pressure... Let's have more beers and I'll
get back to this article later...
.
.
.
Day Three :
UH! I woke up in a big trashcan standing outside the partyplace ! I guess I
was attacked by one of these beggers, erm 16biters I mean... I clearly remember
drinking "some" beer and then I visited them to show some compassion... I seem
to remember them being quite drunk and throwing beer cans at us (have a bit of
a doubt tho but can't be another way). Bastards ! Just when I was about to tell
them that there was no shame quitting a shitty computer. Bah, last time I'll
try to make my fellows feel better. Hmm I need to reassemble my stuff now and
go back home... I start working again tomorrow for the Social Community again.
End of file...
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