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Alive 6

Intimate advice given, with a blokeish twist!

Hi,  I'm  Richard  Littlejohn,  a  mime-artist faced  lummox  of  a  tabloid
newspaper columnist. I don't bother to disguise the red mist that comes down
upon  my  writing when l'm faced with 'liberal' topics and  viewpoints.  I'd
really  be happier in a Klu-Klux-Klan wig and gown,  but the editors of this
diskmag have given me the task of dissasembling their readers most  intimate
problems, and providing some sort of answer to them. Ho hum..

My first letter comes from a woman who is in a bit of trouble with her  boss
at  work!  She witheld her name and address,  but I'm sure we can help Sarah
Gosling  of  Privet  Drive in Basildon,  Essex. "Hi Richard,  I'm a happily 
married woman,  but my female boss has been coming on to me lately. I'm sure 
she's a lesbian,  because she's joked about it, and at my wedding reception, 
held my hand,  gazed into my eyes longingly,  and fondled my bottom. She has 
suggested  that taking things further would help my career no end.  Now  I'm 
not turned off the idea,  yet I am happily married, and concerned about what 
my husband would think?"

The state of communications and awareness in many relationships drives me to
despair sometimes.  The answer is staring me,  and you,  in the face. GO FOR
IT!  And  I  shouldn't  worry about your husband disapproving.  He  will  be
ecstatic!  Just make sure he is invited to watch, and he brings a camcorder,
and  sends me a copy of the tape afterwards!  It is well known that I  don't
approve  of botty-banditry and dirtbox aerobics on a man to man  basis,  but
carpet-munching, I can't get enough of!! Wahey!!

Now  we're  deeply  worried about this next correspondent.  "I'm  Darren,  a 
thrusting young and single man about town.  Now I'm regularly up for it, but 
on a Friday night, when I attempt to get off with a horny young lady, I find 
that  eight pints of Stella relaxes my technique and makes my chat-up  lines 
more appealing.  Trouble is, this Stella drinking puts you on a fine line of 
self-control,  as I've often started off chatting to Melissa,  but ending up 
in  bed  with Malcolm!  What should I do to make sure I end up in the  right 
place in future?!"

Richard  replies - My normal inclination is to tell you to stop  doing  that
right away, but having read other parts of your letter which included sample
chat-up  lines such as "If I said you had a beautiful body,  would you  drop
your  knickers for me?" I can only conclude that your best hope for  getting
future sexual partners,  is to carry on as a 'Beer-sexual'. On which note, I
can just about recall some interesting experiences with some tram-drivers in
Vladivostok after consuming fourteen pints of windscreen de-icer, many years
ago, in a hallucinatory flashback form, and erm ----*SNIP!*

This  next  letter  came on prison-issue notepaper,  and came  from  a  Lord
J.Archer,  or even a J.Lo-Archer,  I'm confused! - "I'm prisoner 146832-4, a 
colossus bestriding the earth,  but temporarily brought low by a miscarriage 
of  justice,  I'm --- Monologue extolling Jeffrey Archer's imaginary virtues 
cut short here -- Anyway, in my period of incarceration here at HMP Bexhill, 
the  local  man  of influence,  quaintly termed as the "Mr  Big",  is  quite 
friendly  towards me,  offering all sorts of 'favours' and 'protection'  not 
normally available to the other prisoners.  I gather he wants to take things 
further,  and wants to make his his "bitch". I think this is another amusing 
prison  slang term,  the meaning of which I'm not sure about.  But it sounds 
like a lot of fun, what do you think Richard?"

Richard replies - Errm,  if I were you Jeffrey,  I should rush to accept his
offer.  Being  bum-raped  by  thirty-seven stones-worth of  knife-scars  and
obscene  tattoos isn't personally my cup of tea,  but I don't think you have
any choice in the matter!

Mr S.Hussein, of no fixed grid-reference, somewhere in Mesopotamia writes in
-  "I am a moderately successful dictator and housewife,  peacefully minding 
her  own business.  I have a worrying stash of  weapons of mass  destruction 
(WMD), built up during an extravagant and thoughtless youth, and I need some 
urgent advice on the best way, and time, to get rid of them."

Richard replies - First thing, and I know it's nothing to do with the matter
in hand,  but you really ought to think about shaving off that thing on your
upper lip!  The 'moustache of mass destruction' (MMD) makes you look totally
gay,  and  a  legitimate target for US Forces.  It makes you look gayer than
even  Colonel Ghadafi in his "Elton John uniforms" period,  and that isn't a
good image for an Arab dictator to have!

Now  about  those  embarassing WMD.  I find that there are a  lot  of  world
leaders, who acquire these in an impressionable adolescence, but seek to get
rid  of them once they have matured.  Getting rid of WMD is a precious gift,
potentially  the  best  moment of your life,  if it is done with  the  right
weapons  inspector.  If  you  are prepared to wait for 'Mr  Right',  or  'Mr
Ritter',  then consummation can be done as part of a beautiful ceremony on a
special day.  Alternatively, you could be in a hurry to get rid of your WMD,
and  end  up  losing  them  roughly  down  some  seedy  back-alley  with  Mr
Convenient,  or  George  Bush.  All in all,  the act of losing your WMD is a
complicated and difficult one, and shouldn't be approached lightly.

A  Mr 'AE' of Sweden writes - "I am a keen demo coder,  but I think that  my 
interest  in assembly language screen-bending is getting to the point  where 
it could seriously take over my life.  It started harmlessly enough,  when I 
was  playing around with a few main menus and intros.  I first became  aware 
that  demo  coding  was taking over my life when I hit  a  phase  of  coding 
tunnels for a couple of years.  Lately,  this hobby has turned from a unique 
development  into  an obsession,  as I can code practically  anything,  even 
converting Cray XP 1000x1000 pixel, 32-bit colour effects to run pretty well 
on a standard STFM. Is there anything you can suggest that might help me?"

Richard replies - I've never heard of anything so DISGUSTING in all my life!
An active demo coder,  what is the world coming to?! I can only suggest that
you stop coding for a moment, and write a long and pointless argument onto a
forum.  Pick a fight on some worthless topic say, about the correct shade of
Atari  grey plastic used in ST cases,  and how it just isn't the same  these
days. Then your free time will magically melt away..

CiH, for Alive! Mag, Oct '02

Alive 6