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{$|$} Dead Elderly Royal Female edition! {$|$}
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_,-> <-,_
.x$\/( Announcement )\/$x.
' -._.- -._.- '
18.00hrs GMT, 30th March 2002, Buckingham Palace Press Office.
"We regret to announce that a much revered elderly royal female died
peacefully in her gin at 15.00hrs today. She lived to a good age, but we're
not that surprised about the death. We've been waiting for ages for this to
happen, fifteen years or more. Some of us are approaching retirement,
waiting for this to happen, for gods sake! And then, she decides to pop her
jewel-encrusted clogs on a Saturday, when most of us are down the pub!
Hasty, ill-timed and inconsiderate, that's what I call it!"
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_,-> <-,_
.x$\/( The Papers Say )\/$x.
' -._.- -._.- '
"The Bastard wore a Burgundy Tie!" - Lack of respect by BBC newsreader
should lead to public execution! Time surely to revive the ancient and
honourable custom of hanging, drawing, and quartering? - Daily Mail
"She's Dead, so what?" - She was the embodiment of an age, where privilege
ruled, and rickets stalked the cobbled streets of Bolton.. - The Guardian
"The Hearse is on the pitch... They think it's all under..." - Er hang on,
didn't we do Kenneth Wolstenholme a couple of weeks ago? - Confused sub-
editor, Daily Mirror
"Here today, Goon Tomorrow.." - No, that's Spike Milligan......
"She was the Princess of all our Hats.." - Got it! third time lucky.
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_,-> <-,_
.x$\/( People Talk )\/$x.
' -._.- -._.- '
Coutts Bank spokesbeing - "We would very much have liked to invite her to
our head office, to discuss repayment of her overdraft, currently standing
at four million and thirty-two pounds, seventy-nine pence, but she died, so
we can't!
Ethel Thing, the owner of "Hats, Gin, and Ciggies" - "We've been hit really
really hard, two of our best customers dying within weeks of each other. The
Queen Mother, and Princess wossname, er Margaret. It's a bodyblow which we
won't be able to recover from, I can tell you!"
Tony Blair, UK Prime Minister - "If I'd realised how popular she still was,
then I'd have tried to hijack the memorial service in a stagily over-
emotional manner for my own benefit. But I didn't, and it's too late.
Bollocks to it all!"
Jeffrey Archer, Convicted Liar and Career Delusionist - "She was a wonderful
woman, an inspiration to us all. In fact, I can now reveal that it was I who
lay with her, and conceived the present Queen and Princess Margaret, and not
that stammering weakling, King George VI!"
(News in the following day - "Archer Killed in Prison Shower Gangbang Frenzy
on the orders of Sentimental Pro-Royalist Eastend Gangsters.")
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_,-> <-,_
.x$\/( Age of Change )\/$x.
' -._.- -._.- '
(As written by every right-wing newspaper!)
"When the Queen Mother was born in 1900, it was into a very different age
from the one we know now. When she was born, Britain had a huge empire,
backed up with huge warships, yes, very huge warships. When one of these
turned up and blackened the daylight of the Sultan of Osama's palace
windows, he knew that he was off the Christmas card list for good!"
"Now the Queen Mother has died in an age where Britain has no empire
anymore, and gangs of glue-sniffing crack-addicted single mothers roam the
streets, all ordained by anonymous Brussels Eurocrats. But she remained a
gracious icon of a glorious past, our final living link, and now she has
gone, we face an uncertain future....." (And on and on..)
-----======<<<<<<<()>>>>>>=====------
_,-> <-,_
.x$\/( Conspiracy! )\/$x.
' -._.- -._.- '
I actually heard this one for real. Nicky had been talking to people whilst
I was stuck in Germany and the Netherlands. She'd been told "It's not her
body lying in state, in fact the coffin's empty, it's because of the
terrorists!" Those were the exact words used.
Now my limited understanding of terrorists and terrorism suggests to me that
they prefer live targets, usually to make them dead. If they are already
dead, it suggests a waste of scarce and valuable time and resources that
could be better directed elsewhere??
-----======<<<<<<<()>>>>>>=====------
_,----> <----,_
.x$\/( Princess of Heart-o-Meter )\/$x.
' -._.- -_- -._.- '
Heartless Heart Attack! Heartwarming!
Princess Diana :######################################################
Princess Margaret:###########
The Queen Mother :############################################
A quick explanation as to how this one works. The late Princess Diana was
claimed to be the 'Princess of all our Hearts' shortly after her death. An
imperfect memory serves to suggest that this term may have been bandied
about by the more Diana-adulatory portions of the mass media even before
then?
However, the Princess of Heart-o-Meter is a simple graphical representation
of the respective dead royal female person's popularity with the British
people. So at a glance, we can see that the late Diana's popularity is
almost unassailable, she was the most attractive out of a bunch not exactly
brushed lightly by the ugly tree. Far too many people failed to see through
to her more manipulative streaks of personality, and her sudden death will
freeze-frame her good looks for posterity, and prevented the less benign
tendencies coming closer to the front row as they otherwise would have done
in due course. So you might say that her death was a good if unintended
career move?
Princess Margaret, the Queen's younger sister died earlier this year. She is
an object lesson as to what can happen when the Diana tendency gets old and
overblown. As much a 'Princess of all our Hearts' in an earlier era, she
ended up unfulfilled, distant, and chronically ill, and her low Heart-o-
meter rating reflects her outlook on life, where she essentially didn't give
a shit about people other than herself. Consequently, the media interest in
her death was brief and soon over.
The Queen Mother nearly tops Diana in the Heart-o-Meter stakes. She had a
good life, and a long one, and she either enjoyed other people, or skilfully
concealed the fact that she didn't. She also picks up a lot of Heart-o-Meter
points due to her substained popularity across a lot of years.
-----======<<<<<<<()>>>>>>=====------
_,--> <--,_
.x$\/( The Dead Lady Sings! )\/$x.
' -._.- -._.- '
No she doesn't, because she's dead!
-----======<<<<<<<()>>>>>>=====------
CiH -For Alive! Mag,April '02
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