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{$|$}   Dead Elderly Royal Female edition!   {$|$}
          /- ' -\                                      /- ' -\

             _,->      <-,_
       .x$\/( Announcement )\/$x.
           ' -._.-    -._.- '    

18.00hrs GMT, 30th March 2002, Buckingham Palace Press Office.

"We  regret  to  announce  that a much revered  elderly  royal  female  died
peacefully in her gin at 15.00hrs today.  She lived to a good age, but we're
not that surprised about the death.  We've been waiting for ages for this to
happen,  fifteen  years  or  more.  Some of us are  approaching  retirement,
waiting for this to happen,  for gods sake! And then, she decides to pop her
jewel-encrusted  clogs  on  a Saturday,  when most of us are down  the  pub!
Hasty, ill-timed and inconsiderate, that's what I call it!"

            _,->        <-,_
      .x$\/( The Papers Say )\/$x.
          ' -._.-      -._.- '  

"The  Bastard  wore  a Burgundy Tie!" - Lack of respect  by  BBC  newsreader
should  lead  to  public execution!  Time surely to revive the  ancient  and
honourable custom of hanging, drawing, and quartering? - Daily Mail

"She's Dead,  so what?" - She was the embodiment of an age,  where privilege
ruled, and rickets stalked the cobbled streets of Bolton.. - The Guardian

"The  Hearse is on the pitch...  They think it's all under..." - Er hang on,
didn't  we  do Kenneth Wolstenholme a couple of weeks ago?  - Confused  sub-
editor, Daily Mirror

"Here today, Goon Tomorrow.." - No, that's Spike Milligan......

"She was the Princess of all our Hats.." - Got it! third time lucky.

               _,->      <-,_
         .x$\/( People  Talk )\/$x.
             ' -._.-    -._.- '   

Coutts  Bank spokesbeing - "We would very much have liked to invite  her  to 
our head office,  to discuss repayment of her overdraft,  currently standing 
at four million and thirty-two pounds,  seventy-nine pence, but she died, so 
we can't!

Ethel Thing,  the owner of "Hats, Gin, and Ciggies" - "We've been hit really 
really hard, two of our best customers dying within weeks of each other. The 
Queen Mother,  and Princess wossname,  er Margaret. It's a bodyblow which we 
won't be able to recover from, I can tell you!"

Tony Blair,  UK Prime Minister - "If I'd realised how popular she still was, 
then  I'd  have  tried to hijack the memorial service  in  a  stagily  over-
emotional  manner  for  my own benefit.  But I didn't,  and it's  too  late. 
Bollocks to it all!"

Jeffrey Archer, Convicted Liar and Career Delusionist - "She was a wonderful 
woman, an inspiration to us all. In fact, I can now reveal that it was I who 
lay with her, and conceived the present Queen and Princess Margaret, and not 
that stammering weakling, King George VI!"

(News in the following day - "Archer Killed in Prison Shower Gangbang Frenzy 
on the orders of Sentimental Pro-Royalist Eastend Gangsters.")

              _,->       <-,_
        .x$\/( Age of Change )\/$x.
             ' -._.-     -._.- '

 (As written by every right-wing newspaper!)

"When  the Queen Mother was born in 1900,  it was into a very different  age
from  the  one we know now.  When she was born,  Britain had a huge  empire,
backed  up  with huge warships,  yes,  very huge warships. When one of these
turned  up  and  blackened  the daylight of the  Sultan  of  Osama's  palace
windows, he knew that he was off the Christmas card list for good!"

"Now  the  Queen  Mother  has died in an age where  Britain  has  no  empire
anymore,  and  gangs of glue-sniffing crack-addicted single mothers roam the
streets,  all  ordained by anonymous Brussels Eurocrats.  But she remained a
gracious  icon  of a glorious past,  our final living link,  and now she has
gone, we face an uncertain future....." (And on and on..)

                _,->      <-,_
          .x$\/(  Conspiracy! )\/$x.
              ' -._.-    -._.- '

I actually heard this one for real.  Nicky had been talking to people whilst
I  was stuck in Germany and the Netherlands.  She'd been told "It's not  her 
body  lying  in  state,  in  fact the coffin's empty,  it's because  of  the 
terrorists!" Those were the exact words used.

Now my limited understanding of terrorists and terrorism suggests to me that
they  prefer  live targets,  usually to make them dead.  If they are already
dead,  it  suggests  a waste of scarce and valuable time and resources  that
could be better directed elsewhere??

        _,---->             <----,_
  .x$\/( Princess of Heart-o-Meter )\/$x.
      ' -._.-       -_-       -._.- '

 Heartless           Heart Attack!          Heartwarming! 
Princess Diana   :######################################################

Princess Margaret:###########

The Queen Mother :############################################

A  quick explanation as to how this one works.  The late Princess Diana  was
claimed  to be the 'Princess of all our Hearts' shortly after her death.  An
imperfect  memory  serves to suggest that this term may  have  been  bandied
about  by  the more Diana-adulatory portions of the mass media  even  before

However,  the Princess of Heart-o-Meter is a simple graphical representation
of  the  respective dead royal female person's popularity with  the  British
people.  So  at  a  glance,  we can see that the late Diana's popularity  is
almost unassailable,  she was the most attractive out of a bunch not exactly
brushed lightly by the ugly tree.  Far too many people failed to see through
to  her more manipulative streaks of personality,  and her sudden death will
freeze-frame  her  good looks for posterity,  and prevented the less  benign
tendencies coming closer to the front row as they otherwise would have  done
in  due  course.  So you might say that her death was a good  if  unintended
career move?

Princess Margaret, the Queen's younger sister died earlier this year. She is
an object lesson as to what can happen when the Diana tendency gets old  and
overblown.  As  much  a 'Princess of all our Hearts' in an earlier era,  she
ended  up  unfulfilled,  distant,  and chronically ill, and her low Heart-o-
meter rating reflects her outlook on life, where she essentially didn't give
a shit about people other than herself.  Consequently, the media interest in
her death was brief and soon over.

The  Queen Mother nearly tops Diana in the Heart-o-Meter stakes.  She had  a
good life, and a long one, and she either enjoyed other people, or skilfully
concealed the fact that she didn't. She also picks up a lot of Heart-o-Meter
points due to her substained popularity across a lot of years.

          _,-->            <--,_
    .x$\/( The Dead Lady Sings! )\/$x.
        ' -._.-            -._.- '

                     No she doesn't, because she's dead!


CiH -For Alive! Mag,April '02

Alive 5