SWERVIN'
VERMIN!
Made for, and screened across the hugely bonkers US cable teevee network!
CiH note to kick off with.. Now this is going to be some uneasy attempt at
comedy "inspired" by the televisual high jinks that our trans-atlantic
cousins get up to. Believe it, because you must, there is a real life tele
programme called "Exploding Varmints!" which unifies the normally disparate
themes of cuddly fluffy woodland creatures, and high-velocity elephant
killing guns! A typical episode goes something like this..Carefree flopsy
bunny rabbit frolics in the middle distance, then WHAAAMMM! suddenly it
flies through the air, disintegrating into several pieces as it goes...
Apparently, to make an episode of this "Apocalypse Now meets Beatrix Potter'
concept, local farmers are queuing up to donate the use of their land, as it
helps them with 'vermin clearance'. This may well serve the twin needs of
entertainment and agricultural usefulness, but it is a concept that brings
up one of the biggest differences between us Europeans, and the good folks
of USA-ville.
Why have they got such a thing about guns!? Why can't they get rid of their
violent urges by heavy drinking, followed by random hitting and kicking,
like the rest of us? (Or loony headless chicken style driving on the
autobahn, if you are German.)
Still, enough waffling, and time for the....
WEASEL MORTAR
FUN!
"Hi there folks, I'm your host, Pete Poindexter, and it's another episode of
the ever enthralling 'Weasel Mortar Fun Hour' and after last week's
airburst escapades, we're going for those huge ground impact craters! Now we
go straight over to our commentator in the field, Jay K."
"Hiiee, this is Jay K, now this week, we've teamed up with the always
popular combination of Billy 'Bubba' Bob, and his ex-NATO issue 81mm mortar.
Now tell the viewers what you intend to do this week Billy."
"Weeaaalll, there's a colony of rogue rodents with communist and arab-ist
sympathies, at about half a klick distance from the firing position. I
intend to soften them up with an initial dozen rounds of groundburst high
explosive."
"Then, when those furry Osama bin Laden thinkalikes are trying to burrow in
to deep cover, we switch over to delayed action fusing for that extra
cratering effect. After we're done, those sonofagun enemies of the American
way of life won't be going 'Neeeek!' no more!"
Just about then, Billy Bob turns and starts to load the mortar.
WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP!
Meanwhile, about half a klick away, a growing whistling sound leads to alarm
among the woodland creatures there, a tiny squeaky voice rises up..
"Incoming! Take cover!"
WHAAAAAAAM!
A couple are too slow, they are hurled into the abyss! The cameras pick this
up, panning in close, then the inevitable slo-motion action replay with
studio commentary.
"Look, there, in the impact plume from the third shell, there they go!! Oh
yes, that looks like a torso, and part of a head! That's a great start for
Billy Bob, now back over to you Jay K."
"Yes Pete, and it is only the beginning, as Billy Bob has a surprise for us
all, slightly later in the programme. Meanwhile, he is just about to start
on the second phase of his attack..."
What follows is almost identical to the scene before, although as these are
fused for deep penetration, there is more earth scattered about. A camera
team, with Jay K. staggers close to the scene of the devastation, in order
to check out what has been stirred up.
In amongst the churned and smoking earth, various rodent parts can be just
about seen, Jay K. starts stirring the loose earth with a stick..
"Bring the camera over here... There's some hind-quarters, and some blood
spots, I think? A piece of a leg. Not much in the way of visible remains, so
it looks like you done good here, Billy Bob!"
"Thanks, Jay K. The pleasure's all mine, and the viewers back home, of
course."
"Now Billy Bob, for the second half of the programme, you've got something
extra special laid on for us, is that not right?"
"Yeahhh sure!! Instead of firing good honest mortar shells AT the vermin
scum, I'm now using weasels AS the ammunition!"
"Hey! Sounds way cool Billy Bob, let's see those weasels then!"
A procession of weasels is led out, in a column, tied to each other, with
minature manacles, and wearing minature blindfolds. They also seem to be
dressed in strangely familiar black pyjamas for some reason.
"Pete in the studio here, Billy Bob, like what is going on with the black
Pyjamas?"
"I was at Da Nang in '67, and these little critters surrounded our position.
All night, we heard them sharpening their weaselly teeth, crying out in
their squeaky voices that they were going to chew out our livers, in the
name of international socialism. We only got out of that one by a hairs
breadth, and with 1500 tonnes of napalm dropped right on top of the little
fuckers!"
"Er Billy Bob, I hardly think that matters right now?"
"These scumbag weasels ARE Charlie, they're Vietcong, I insist!!"
(Sotto Voco in the studio.) "It's okay, it's not going out live, and we can
edit out the drooling later, right?"
A somewhat calmer and less red-faced Billy Bob resumes the commentary.
"Okay, for the benefit of the viewers back home, I've converted these
weasels into mortar rounds by the simple addition of a rectally inserted
cordite propellant charge topped off with a fulminate of mercury detonator
cap. Now this is the first time we've tried this, so we're not sure if the
weasels will leave the barrel intact, or as a kind of fragmentating mushy
semi-liquid."
"A lot depends on the respective strengths of the propellant, and the weasel
itself I suppose."
"That's right Jay K. Literally anything could happen in the next few
minutes, so let's LOAD THOSE WEASELS!"
First one goes in.. WHUMP!
Weasel #1 leaves intact, but flails wildly at the top of its arc of flight,
and drifts badly off target.
Second one in... SPLATTT!
Misfire! The second weasel disintegrates in the mortar barrel, and a spray
of blood, fur and small unidentifiable weasel parts comes geysering out of
the top. Billy Bob collapses laughing, as Jay K. who insisted on standing
closely to the mortar, catches the lot!
A brief pause to towel off the worst of the debris, then....
Fire three.. A perfect launch. The third weasel clutches its limbs closely
to its body, terrified, but also made aerodynamic by this action. It goes on
to hit its target to loud applause and much whooping (oh yes, very much
whooping!) A close-up of the impact area reveals a small neat hole with a
couple of weasel legs sticking out of it.
Jay K. still sponging small traces of the second unfortunate attempt off of
him, rounds things up.
"Billy Bob, it's been a blast, but that's all we have time for this week,
now it's back to Pete in the studio."
"Thank you Jay K. And in a very real sense, we're running out of time too,
but not as quickly as those weasels did! Good night to you all, and
remember, don't try this at home, too much!"
(All) "Goodnight!"
(Remember, none of this should be attempted at home by unqualified persons.
Using weasels in place of regular munitions as shown in this programme is
not condoned, as weasel claws at high speed have a detrimental effect on the
inner linings of mortar barrels. A specially adapted mortar was used in the
making of this programme, no vertebrates over 2kg body weight were hurt in
the making of this programme..)
Could it happen here, well if they did a version with a very large calibre
mortar and the inhabitants of the various 'Big Brother' houses, I hope so!
CiH - Dec '01
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