LIFE'S A
PITCH!
Unreal ideas for real telly programmes?
Now these are, unbelievably, all actual proposals for television
programmes, presumably made up in some TV ideas person's more feverish
white powder addled moments. Your job is to guess which ones were made
into actual tele programmes! Off you go now.. - CiH, Dec '01
1. Stars and their Scars: Celebrities bare their physical deformities
before a studio audience. A short chat with the host (Vanessa Feltz?)
culminates in the revealing of the wound. The programme will show how
the stars are just like the rest of us - we all carry our scars and hide
our wounds..
Examples may include Denis van Outen gashing her leg on a tricycle, Allo
Allo's Gordon Kaye on a life support machine, after a tree crashed
through the front window of his Honda Civic. It will be heartwarming.
2. Designer Vaginas: A look at vaginas in the 21st century. How are
vaginas being customised to fit the needs of the modern woman? This one-
off science documentary will find out.
3. You only Live Twice: Tim Roth becomes Hitler for a fortnight, living
life as if possessed by the Fuhrer. Stanislavsky meets Changing Roomss
with a chat show element, (at the end of the fortnight, he is
interviewed whilst still in character.)
4. Inchloss Island: Weight watchers are left on a desert island to see
who can lose the most weight. The winner is the one still conscious
after a week.
5. The Clap Clinic: A fly-on-the-wall documentary about a Scottish VD
clinic. No close-up will go too far, no penis scrape will go unrecorded.
A hard-hitting series about life in modern Britain in the raw. Quite
literally...
6. Nightbowling: Live from Streatham ice rink, ordinary people pit their
kingpin skills against the cream of the bowling world... All in the
dark! Glow in the dark bowls run down lanes lit by pilot lights, similar
to those used on an airplane in an emergency.
7. Songs of Satan: Songs of Praise for Satanists, transmitted live with
requests from viewers for Satanist hymns by Marilyn Manson and AC/DC.
Holly Johnson is your host.
8. Blooming Hell: A gardening quiz where celebrity contestants (Alan
Titchmarsh and Penelope Keith) kill plants against the clock. In the
final round, guests must cut a hedge into their favourite shape. Jim
Davidson cuts one into a pair of breasts.
9. Massacre of the Day: Match of the Day for bare knuckle fighting, live
from the Isle of Dogs.
10. Touch the Truck: Contestants must touch an articulated vehicle,
stationary in a studio and stay there. The last person to lose
consciousness wins the truck.
11. Missing: Missing children living rough are enticed to phone in and
reunite with their family. The child's favourite band plays the child's
favourite song in front of a studio audience, cranking up the
homesickness factor by revealing beloved teddies and comfort blankets on
the way. As a prize for turning themselves in, the kids get to meet
Ronan Keating.
12. Don't Watch if You're Thick: Incredibly and relentlessly highbow
magazine show.
For those impatient folk who have to scroll down to the end of the
article, I can now reveal that Designer Vaginas, The Clap Clinic, and
Touch the Truck have all been made into actual tele programmes. For the
rest of you, aren't these tevee people bonkers!?
Original article from Jacques Peretti Nov '01 - Guardian Newspaper.
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