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  Unreal ideas for real telly programmes?

Now  these  are,  unbelievably,  all  actual  proposals  for  television 
programmes,  presumably  made up in some TV ideas person's more feverish 
white  powder addled moments.  Your job is to guess which ones were made 
into actual tele programmes! Off you go now..  - CiH, Dec '01

1.  Stars  and their Scars:  Celebrities bare their physical deformities
before  a studio audience.  A short chat with the host (Vanessa  Feltz?)
culminates  in the revealing of the wound.  The programme will show  how
the stars are just like the rest of us - we all carry our scars and hide
our wounds..

Examples may include Denis van Outen gashing her leg on a tricycle, Allo
Allo's  Gordon  Kaye  on a life support machine,  after a  tree  crashed
through the front window of his Honda Civic. It will be heartwarming.

2.  Designer  Vaginas:  A  look at vaginas in the 21st century.  How are
vaginas being customised to fit the needs of the modern woman? This one-
off science documentary will find out.

3.  You only Live Twice: Tim Roth becomes Hitler for a fortnight, living
life  as if possessed by the Fuhrer.  Stanislavsky meets Changing Roomss
with  a  chat  show  element,  (at  the end  of  the  fortnight,  he  is
interviewed whilst still in character.)

4.  Inchloss Island:  Weight watchers are left on a desert island to see
who  can  lose the most weight.  The winner is the one  still  conscious
after a week.

5.  The  Clap Clinic:  A fly-on-the-wall documentary about a Scottish VD
clinic. No close-up will go too far, no penis scrape will go unrecorded.
A  hard-hitting  series about life in modern Britain in the  raw.  Quite

6. Nightbowling: Live from Streatham ice rink, ordinary people pit their
kingpin  skills  against the cream of the bowling world...  All  in  the
dark! Glow in the dark bowls run down lanes lit by pilot lights, similar
to those used on an airplane in an emergency.

7.  Songs of Satan: Songs of Praise for Satanists, transmitted live with
requests  from viewers for Satanist hymns by Marilyn Manson  and  AC/DC.
Holly Johnson is your host.

8.  Blooming  Hell:  A  gardening quiz where celebrity contestants (Alan
Titchmarsh  and  Penelope Keith) kill plants against the clock.  In  the
final  round,  guests  must cut a hedge into their favourite shape.  Jim
Davidson cuts one into a pair of breasts.

9. Massacre of the Day: Match of the Day for bare knuckle fighting, live
from the Isle of Dogs.

10.  Touch  the  Truck:  Contestants must touch an articulated  vehicle,
stationary  in  a  studio  and  stay there.  The  last  person  to  lose
consciousness wins the truck.

11.  Missing:  Missing children living rough are enticed to phone in and
reunite with their family.  The child's favourite band plays the child's
favourite  song  in  front  of  a  studio  audience,   cranking  up  the
homesickness factor by revealing beloved teddies and comfort blankets on
the  way.  As  a prize for turning themselves in,  the kids get to  meet
Ronan Keating.

12.  Don't  Watch  if You're Thick:  Incredibly and relentlessly highbow
magazine show.

For  those  impatient  folk who have to scroll down to the  end  of  the
article,  I can now reveal that Designer Vaginas,  The Clap Clinic,  and
Touch the Truck have all been made into actual tele programmes.  For the
rest of you, aren't these tevee people bonkers!?

Original article from Jacques Peretti Nov '01 - Guardian Newspaper.

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