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I s s u e U m p t e e n ?
README.1ST
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Those people who might recall the sadly deceased Diskbusters (DBA) magazine,
especially its later GFA-tastic, Falcon only incarnation, will remember an
article title exactly like this. Well maybe the ASCII header this time
around is a bit more polished, and a bit less garish than before, hopefully?
Anyway, I felt it was time for a bit of a revival, and this time, you lucky
ST owners can join in as well! Does that not make you happy, and a warm
runny feeling go right down your leg? No? Oh, alright then...
EDITORIAL
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Right, we're off, and it's another issue of the 'Zine within a 'zine. It's
been a long time since the last issue, which was in the legendary DBA
magazine, and it was issue two, or was it three? Some of these also got into
the equally long and lost 'ST Plus' diskmag as well. I'm betting not a lot
of Alive! readers got to see the Minimag concept properly, and apart from
the fact that the contents have dated horribly (references to long dead
scene personalities and events) it might be interesting to rerun these
sometime?
Anyway, here's an all-new edition, which is as current and contemporary as
something only five minutes out of date can be! Now sit back and enjoy the
rest of this issue!
NEWS
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'Froggies over the Barbed Wire Fence?'
ST Survivor is proud to announce the ultimate summer coding party. Yes, the
all-new 'Maginot Line party'! Well, all new, apart from the fortifications,
which are over sixty years old. These ancient bunkers have been replenished
with state of the art firepower, for the benefit of the party goers,
enabling a neverending supply of hot lead to be hosed in the general
direction of any embittered losers trying to gatecrash in an amiga-ish
fashion!
Register now - 10 Euros only, and win a free box of bullets!
'Ray of light shines into obscure corners.'
After his debut on the TT, a piece of Atari hardware not generally known as
a killer demo showing system, Ray of tSCc has decided to go one better. His
next production appears on the Atari Transputer workstation, but should be
able to run as well on a standard Falcon '030!
'New Whip! module pleases the Populous!'
The follow-up to the massively successful 'Whip Pong' is due out shortly.
This is '"Whip Populous', the first, and only voice controlled God Sim
anywhere in existence? Coding party mass entertainment will never quite be
the same again! (Coming soon, Whip-Quake??)
'Bud the Chud Redux edition announced!'
The tenth anniversary of the epic 'Bud the Chud' demo has provoked its
creator Felice into a burble of activity, as a specially extended or
'directors cut' edition is shortly to be released! (But seriously, how about
it mate?)
GAMES
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'Chu Chu Rocket - the Oric edition' by Dbug of Next.
Taking the recent and successful conversion of top Dreamcast game 'Chu Chu
Rocket' to the Atari series by the Reservoir Gods. A talented Frenchman has
been inspired to go that one step further.
Yes, a fully featured version of Chu Chu Rocket has been implemented on the
Oric Atmos! This features all levels, bonuses, and hidden features of the
original, and stays faithful to the original graphics and sound. How this
runs on an original Oric is a mystery to us, but Dbug cryptically commented
that it would need "The best part of a day."
Indeed, it can be seen to best effect on the 'Phantasmag-Oric' emulator on
the PC, which features fifteen new screen modes not seen on the original
machine, emulation of a 100 mhz 6502, Oric Soundblaster, and more...
'God-pee' by the Reservoir Gods. (Thor P30/300 with 48k RAM)
No advance preview copies of this jealously guarded follow-up to Chu Chu
Rocket were available, so I'm making things up on the spot, as it were.
Select the deity of your choice, from classical ancient times, Zeus, Odin,
Osiris, Buddha, or more modern almighty beings, such as Robbie Williams,
some church of scientology hollywood bloke, or Osama Bin Laden. Then line
them up for a pissing competition, see which 'God' can 'pee' the furthest,
or the longest. Accumulate bonus points for accuracy of aim, but lose them
again for excessive apres-piss willy shaking.
DEMOS
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'Aummm' by Escape. (Yogic '030)
The George Harrison dead ex-Beatle tribute remix of Escape's award winning
EIL demo 'Hmmm'. Not too different from the original, but a generally more
'sixties' in feel. Music made a lot more Indian sounding by Ravi Shankar and
some bloke from the Finnish funsters 'Fit'. (When my Sitar gently weeps,
perhaps?)
'Bitter and Twisted it's a long time absent?' by Moondog. (STFM only!)
Is it a demo? Is it a diskmag? Or could it be something else entirely?
Moondog celebrates a return to form, as the sabre-toothed Undercover editor,
with a series of biting articles pilgers the willpower out of the rest of
the Atari scene to carry on with their work, or with life in general. All
coated in something smartly texture wrapped by some dudes from Sirius.
'Don't break the Oeuf' by DHS and Sector One. (STe, with CT2 fitted)
An interesting joint French/Swedish co-production. State of the art new and
old school coding come together, in a sweaty excited heap! Thrill to the
beat, as eggs narrowly avoid being smashed out of their little shells. "If
you expect the ultimate black and white hacker demo, then better go and load
Monoluminescenz again," warns the readme text.
'Wait (four years between productions)' by T.O.Y.S. (Faclon '030)
And you'll have to wait a lot longer for the next one, now you've insisted
on opening your mouth, and letting that so-called sharp wit out. Now see
what you've gone and done!
'How to Build a Fuller Geodysic Dome' by Nescafe Overdose. (Hal 2000 '030)
Fair to average GFA Basic demo, complemented by a haunting insistent
soundtrack detailing the finer points of construction technique, of some
futuristic dome thing or other.
MULTIMEDIA
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'Hackersize with Evil!'
For that post-Xmas attempt to shake yourself out of self-indulgent
torpidity, the ultimate concept in fitness videos from the doyenne of the
Swedish Atari scene himself, Evil.
This strangest of aerobics videos is sixty minutes long, was made in about
sixty-four minutes flat, including a prolonged session of throat clearing
and mucus spitting at the start. It features Evil in a vomit inducing and
woefully too-small leotard, demonstrating a series of finger bends and face
gurning exercises, apparently designed to boost your cardio-vascular system,
and general levels of health, all without leaving your keyboard.
On the plus side, the music is a lot better than average, and is available
in MP2 format. Get your copy now, from the bargain bins of all good health
food stores at E 4.95.
'Saving Private Frodo.'
It is D-Day, July 14th 1942 (All dates verified by Felice time/date services
for extra accuracy!) Assault boats creep closer to the coastline of Nazi-
occupied Middle Earth. Then, as if from nowhere, hidden machine guns open
up, cutting down the first fifteen rows of the cinema audience, all of them
fanatical Tolkeinites who gurgle out in their dying breaths, that this is
NOTHING LIKE THE BOOK!
UTILITIES
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'Aniplayer CT60 edition.'
This is the all-new Aniplayer CT60 edition. Not only does it boast enhanced
playback of existing formats, from the likes of .WAV and .AVI, it also has
its first CT60 specific feature, the ability to convert an MP3 audio
soundtrack, that is, full joint stereo, 16 bit, and CD quality, to a three
channel ST Yamaha YM soundchip tune! In realtime!
Never will Bootiliscious Beyonce Knowles, bawling out "Survivor" sound quite
the same again. Or anything remotely like it.
'High Liar.'
The ultimate Jeffrey Archer simulator, lovingly converted from the original
NASA source code, which was stolen from a secret Neo-Nazi occult bunker, by
the dashing, handsome, good at sports, and truthful ex-Conservative party
chairman Jeffrey Archer. The current jail sentence might be hilarious to the
rest of you, but it is 'unfortunate' for me. Wait 'till I'm Mayor of London,
then you'll see how tough I can get!
All the functions of the real thing are enabled, including an insatiable
appetite for attention seeking, and prostitutes.
ADVERTS
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'The Web Page Pop-up.'
"Hi, I'm the most irritating thing in existence, the advertising pop-up!
Just when you get to a perfectly good web page, I appear, urging you to
forget what you are doing, and click on me instead, to the benefit of my
money-mad masters!"
"In this fashion, the calm and orderly search for useful information on the
internet is soon reduced to a series of frenzied clicks, taking you to fuck
knows where, or else, an irritated side-swipe at the screen, to get rid of
me. But I don't go that easily, back again I come, and again, and again..
Makes you wonder about the people who put me on their web page in the first
place, doesn't it?!"
CODING
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'Windows XP - Make your own!'
Atari users, are you jealous of those 'lucky' PC owners with their brand new
copies of Microsoft's latest mistake, Windows XP? Do you crave the same
experience for yourself? Well, it's easier than you might think.
Ingredients:-
The source code for MultiTOS, the Atari corp 1993 edition.
Some pretty pictures, some of them with Microsoft logos.
Lots of RAM and hard disk space, no, lots and LOTS!
A hefty hardware accelerator, ideally, the succcessor to the CT60.
A couple of bananas.
Some bugs.
Here we go then. Install the hardware accelerator, but don't switch it on
just yet. The blinding speed could have your eye out. Next, take the
MultiTOS source, blend in carefully with the pretty pictures, and compile on
a low oven (or pentium) for thirty minutes. When the cooking time is up,
remove the finished Windows XP for Atari, and leave to cool on a baking
tray.
Load onto your hard disk, scatter the bugs randomly, and boggle at the
absolutely identical to the real Windows XP experience, you are now
undergoing. Which is a lot like a crippled 4 mhz Falcon, with a very nice
front-end!
And the bananas? Insert one into each nostril to avoid drawing attention to
yourself!
HOROSCOPE
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'For all Star Signs, from Jonathan Lamer'
"The awesome events of September 11th signify a fundamental shift in the
alignment of the planets. The last time Jupiter and Saturn were
together in such a fashion, President Kennedy was assassinated. You will
undergo a major re-assessment of life goals in the coming year...."
To find out how your love life/wealth/stupidity levels will be affected
in the coming year, ring this premium rate phone line:-0898 666666
(All calls charged at 1.50 Euro's per minute, go on, you know you want
to, you've got a special psychic gift, you gullible twat!)
Isn't it funny how all the crystal bollocks types are making such a lot
of September 11th and the aftermath. They all seem to be saying the same
thing, more or less "Your life will change forever after these cataclysmic
events!" As if they really have a hotline to the news, BEFORE it happens...
Well I don't recall any one of them coming forward on the 10th of September
with alarmingly specific advice like "DON'T bother getting out of bed if you
work at the World Trade Towers tomorrow, as if you're fairly high up in
there, you're likely to catch an airliner in the face!"
What a bunch of arseholes....
TRAVEL
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'The return of Symposium, the 2002 edition'
One man describes his ordeal on the journey there, at the hands of Madam Zsa
Zsa and the Euro Lines bus of pain!
"Well we were told that for the journey to Hamburg, that clothes were
optional, so when I saw what most of the others were doing, I put on a pair
of latex underpants, and a leather gimp mask as well. Madam Zsa Zsa chained
us all into our incredibly uncomfortable seats, and bade us to sit there for
twenty-seven hours without respite!"
"The agony was exquisite in its awfulness. By the time she let us off my
legs were cramped up, my small intestines were spinning at a constant rate,
and I could hardly walk for several hours afterwards. It was fantastic! I
could hardly wait for the journey back!"
"And as for the genital tor - SNIP! (Rest of this account suppressed in the
name of covering our arses with a tiny figleaf of dignity.)
This account was supplied first hand by Tam.
INTERVIEWS
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This issue, we interview a very distinguished guest, none other than the
Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair, take it away Tony!
Magg:"Now Prime Minister, have you ever had any interest in the demo scene
as such?"
TB:"That is a very interesting question, now if you look at the public
sector borrowing requirement, you can see we have managed a year on year
reduction since taking office in 1997, and....."
Magg:(Interrupting) "Getting back to the earlier question, have you ever
even seen a demo?"
TB:"We appreciate all opinions, and strongly defend your right to express
them, but the public has to see that the campaign in Afghanistan was a cruel
necessity, forced on us by..."
Magg:(Teed-off at getting nowhere fast) "Prime Minister, what are your
views on old school design, wibbly fonts and rasters, versus the current
vogue for full on three-dee texturemapping and stuff?!"
TB: "Well I've always been a big fan of starfields, with a hint of
fractals."
Magg: "Has anything interesting ever happened to you in connection with the
demo scene?"
TB: "No."
Magg:"Thank you, Prime Minister."
HIDDEN
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I'm the hidden article, you can't find me! Har har har, hee hee hee!
THE END
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Just for a change, it's all over when the thin lady has sung, and it's Geri
'about to be dropped by her record company, like a slimy thing that is
unpleasant to touch' Halliwell on lead vocals!
CiH for Alive! - Jan '02
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