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Alive 4
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       I s s u e   U m p t e e n ?

Those people who might recall the sadly deceased Diskbusters (DBA) magazine,
especially its later GFA-tastic,  Falcon only incarnation,  will remember an
article  title  exactly  like this.  Well maybe the ASCII header  this  time
around is a bit more polished, and a bit less garish than before, hopefully?
Anyway,  I felt it was time for a bit of a revival, and this time, you lucky
ST  owners  can join in as well!  Does that not make you happy,  and a  warm
runny feeling go right down your leg? No? Oh, alright then...

Right,  we're off,  and it's another issue of the 'Zine within a 'zine. It's
been  a  long  time since the last issue,  which was in  the  legendary  DBA
magazine, and it was issue two, or was it three? Some of these also got into
the  equally long and lost 'ST Plus' diskmag as well.  I'm betting not a lot
of  Alive!  readers got to see the Minimag concept properly,  and apart from
the  fact  that the contents have dated horribly (references  to  long  dead
scene  personalities  and  events) it might be interesting  to  rerun  these

Anyway,  here's an all-new edition,  which is as current and contemporary as
something  only five minutes out of date can be!  Now sit back and enjoy the
rest of this issue!

'Froggies over the Barbed Wire Fence?'
ST Survivor is proud to announce the ultimate summer coding party.  Yes, the
all-new 'Maginot Line party'!  Well, all new, apart from the fortifications,
which are over sixty years old.  These ancient bunkers have been replenished
with  state  of  the  art firepower,  for the benefit of  the  party  goers,
enabling  a  neverending  supply  of hot lead to be  hosed  in  the  general
direction  of  any  embittered losers trying to gatecrash  in  an  amiga-ish

Register now - 10 Euros only, and win a free box of bullets!

'Ray of light shines into obscure corners.'
After his debut on the TT,  a piece of Atari hardware not generally known as
a killer demo showing system,  Ray of tSCc has decided to go one better. His
next  production appears on the Atari Transputer workstation,  but should be
able to run as well on a standard Falcon '030!

'New Whip! module pleases the Populous!'
The  follow-up to the massively successful 'Whip Pong' is due  out  shortly.
This  is  '"Whip  Populous',  the first,  and only voice controlled God  Sim
anywhere  in existence?  Coding party mass entertainment will never quite be
the same again! (Coming soon, Whip-Quake??)

'Bud the Chud Redux edition announced!'
The  tenth  anniversary  of the epic 'Bud the Chud' demo  has  provoked  its
creator  Felice  into  a  burble of activity,  as a  specially  extended  or
'directors cut' edition is shortly to be released! (But seriously, how about
it mate?)

'Chu Chu Rocket - the Oric edition' by Dbug of Next.
Taking  the recent and successful conversion of top Dreamcast game 'Chu  Chu
Rocket' to the Atari series by the Reservoir Gods.  A talented Frenchman has
been inspired to go that one step further.

Yes,  a fully featured version of Chu Chu Rocket has been implemented on the
Oric Atmos!  This features all levels,  bonuses,  and hidden features of the
original,  and  stays faithful to the original graphics and sound.  How this
runs on an original Oric is a mystery to us,  but Dbug cryptically commented
that it would need "The best part of a day."

Indeed,  it  can be seen to best effect on the 'Phantasmag-Oric' emulator on
the  PC,  which  features fifteen new screen modes not seen on the  original
machine, emulation of a 100 mhz 6502, Oric Soundblaster, and more...

'God-pee' by the Reservoir Gods. (Thor P30/300 with 48k RAM)
No  advance  preview copies of this jealously guarded follow-up to  Chu  Chu
Rocket were available, so I'm making things up on the spot, as it were.

Select the deity of your choice,  from classical ancient times,  Zeus, Odin,
Osiris,  Buddha,  or  more  modern almighty beings,  such as Robbie Williams,
some  church of scientology hollywood bloke,  or Osama Bin Laden.  Then line
them  up for a pissing competition,  see which 'God' can 'pee' the furthest,
or the longest.  Accumulate bonus points for accuracy of aim,  but lose them
again for excessive apres-piss willy shaking.

'Aummm' by Escape. (Yogic '030)
The  George Harrison dead ex-Beatle tribute remix of Escape's award  winning
EIL demo 'Hmmm'.  Not too different from the original,  but a generally more
'sixties' in feel. Music made a lot more Indian sounding by Ravi Shankar and
some  bloke  from the Finnish funsters 'Fit'.  (When my Sitar gently  weeps,

'Bitter and Twisted it's a long time absent?' by Moondog. (STFM only!)
Is  it  a  demo?  Is it a diskmag?  Or could it be something else  entirely?
Moondog celebrates a return to form, as the sabre-toothed Undercover editor,
with  a series of biting articles pilgers the willpower out of the  rest  of
the  Atari scene to carry on with their work,  or with life in general.  All
coated in something smartly texture wrapped by some dudes from Sirius.

'Don't break the Oeuf' by DHS and Sector One. (STe, with CT2 fitted)
An interesting joint French/Swedish co-production.  State of the art new and
old  school  coding come together,  in a sweaty excited heap!  Thrill to the
beat,  as eggs narrowly avoid being smashed out of their little shells.  "If
you expect the ultimate black and white hacker demo, then better go and load
Monoluminescenz again," warns the readme text.

'Wait (four years between productions)' by T.O.Y.S. (Faclon '030)
And  you'll have to wait a lot longer for the next one,  now you've insisted
on  opening  your mouth,  and letting that so-called sharp wit out.  Now see
what you've gone and done!

'How to Build a Fuller Geodysic Dome' by Nescafe Overdose. (Hal 2000 '030)
Fair  to  average  GFA  Basic demo,  complemented by  a  haunting  insistent
soundtrack  detailing  the finer points of construction technique,  of  some
futuristic dome thing or other.

'Hackersize with Evil!'
For  that  post-Xmas  attempt  to  shake  yourself  out  of   self-indulgent
torpidity,  the  ultimate concept in fitness videos from the doyenne of  the
Swedish Atari scene himself, Evil.

This  strangest of aerobics videos is sixty minutes long,  was made in about
sixty-four  minutes flat,  including a prolonged session of throat  clearing
and  mucus spitting at the start.  It features Evil in a vomit inducing  and
woefully too-small leotard,  demonstrating a series of finger bends and face
gurning exercises, apparently designed to boost your cardio-vascular system,
and general levels of health, all without leaving your keyboard.

On the plus side,  the music is a lot better than average,  and is available
in MP2 format.  Get your copy now,  from the bargain bins of all good health
food stores at E 4.95.

'Saving Private Frodo.'
It is D-Day, July 14th 1942 (All dates verified by Felice time/date services
for  extra accuracy!) Assault boats creep closer to the coastline  of  Nazi-
occupied Middle Earth.  Then,  as if from nowhere,  hidden machine guns open
up,  cutting down the first fifteen rows of the cinema audience, all of them
fanatical  Tolkeinites who gurgle out in their dying breaths,  that this  is

'Aniplayer CT60 edition.'
This is the all-new Aniplayer CT60 edition.  Not only does it boast enhanced
playback of existing formats,  from the likes of .WAV and .AVI,  it also has
its  first  CT60  specific  feature,  the ability to convert  an  MP3  audio
soundtrack,  that is,  full joint stereo, 16 bit, and CD quality, to a three
channel ST Yamaha YM soundchip tune! In realtime!

Never will Bootiliscious Beyonce Knowles, bawling out "Survivor" sound quite
the same again. Or anything remotely like it.

'High Liar.'
The ultimate Jeffrey Archer simulator,  lovingly converted from the original
NASA source code,  which was stolen from a secret Neo-Nazi occult bunker, by
the dashing,  handsome,  good at sports,  and truthful ex-Conservative party
chairman Jeffrey Archer. The current jail sentence might be hilarious to the
rest of you, but it is 'unfortunate' for me. Wait 'till I'm Mayor of London,
then you'll see how tough I can get!

All  the  functions of the real thing are enabled,  including an  insatiable
appetite for attention seeking, and prostitutes.

'The Web Page Pop-up.'
"Hi,  I'm  the  most irritating thing in existence,  the advertising pop-up!
Just  when  you get to a perfectly good web page,  I appear,  urging you  to
forget  what  you are doing,  and click on me instead,  to the benefit of my
money-mad masters!"

"In this fashion,  the calm and orderly search for useful information on the
internet is soon reduced to a series of frenzied clicks,  taking you to fuck
knows where,  or else,  an irritated side-swipe at the screen, to get rid of
me.  But I don't go that easily,  back again I come,  and again, and again..
Makes you wonder about the people who put me on their web page in the  first
place, doesn't it?!"

'Windows XP - Make your own!'
Atari users, are you jealous of those 'lucky' PC owners with their brand new
copies  of  Microsoft's latest mistake,  Windows XP?  Do you crave the  same
experience for yourself? Well, it's easier than you might think.

The source code for MultiTOS, the Atari corp 1993 edition. 
Some pretty pictures, some of them with Microsoft logos. 
Lots of RAM and hard disk space, no, lots and LOTS! 
A hefty hardware accelerator, ideally, the succcessor to the CT60. 
A couple of bananas. 
Some bugs.

Here  we go then.  Install the hardware accelerator,  but don't switch it on
just  yet.  The  blinding  speed  could have your eye out.  Next,  take  the
MultiTOS source, blend in carefully with the pretty pictures, and compile on
a  low  oven (or pentium) for thirty minutes.  When the cooking time is  up,
remove  the  finished Windows XP for Atari,  and leave to cool on  a  baking

Load  onto  your  hard disk,  scatter the bugs randomly,  and boggle at  the
absolutely  identical  to  the  real Windows  XP  experience,  you  are  now
undergoing.  Which  is a lot like a crippled 4 mhz Falcon,  with a very nice

And the bananas?  Insert one into each nostril to avoid drawing attention to

'For all Star Signs, from Jonathan Lamer'
"The awesome events of  September 11th  signify a  fundamental shift in  the 
alignment  of  the  planets.   The  last  time   Jupiter  and  Saturn   were 
together in such a fashion,  President  Kennedy was assassinated.  You  will 
undergo a major re-assessment of life goals in the coming year...."

To find  out how  your  love life/wealth/stupidity levels will  be  affected 
in  the  coming  year,  ring  this  premium  rate phone  line:-0898 666666
(All calls  charged at  1.50 Euro's  per  minute,  go on,  you know you want 
to, you've got a special psychic gift, you gullible twat!)

Isn't it  funny  how  all the  crystal bollocks types are making  such a lot
of September 11th  and  the aftermath.  They all seem  to be saying the same
thing,  more or less  "Your life will change forever after these cataclysmic
events!"  As if they really have a hotline to the news, BEFORE it happens...
Well I don't recall  any one of them coming forward on the 10th of September
with alarmingly specific advice like "DON'T bother getting out of bed if you
work  at the  World  Trade  Towers tomorrow,  as if you're fairly high up in
there, you're likely to catch an airliner in the face!"

What a bunch of arseholes....

'The return of Symposium, the 2002 edition'
One man describes his ordeal on the journey there, at the hands of Madam Zsa
Zsa and the Euro Lines bus of pain!

"Well  we  were  told that for the journey to  Hamburg,  that  clothes  were 
optional,  so when I saw what most of the others were doing, I put on a pair 
of latex underpants,  and a leather gimp mask as well. Madam Zsa Zsa chained 
us all into our incredibly uncomfortable seats, and bade us to sit there for 
twenty-seven hours without respite!"

"The  agony  was exquisite in its awfulness.  By the time she let us off  my 
legs were cramped up,  my small intestines were spinning at a constant rate, 
and  I could hardly walk for several hours afterwards.  It was fantastic!  I 
could hardly wait for the journey back!"

"And as for the genital tor - SNIP!  (Rest of this account suppressed in the
name of covering our arses with a tiny figleaf of dignity.)

 This account was supplied first hand by Tam.

This  issue,  we  interview a very distinguished guest,  none other than the
Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair, take it away Tony!

Magg:"Now Prime Minister, have you ever had any interest in the demo scene 
as such?"

TB:"That  is  a very interesting question,  now if you look at the  public 
sector  borrowing  requirement,  you can see we have managed a year on  year 
reduction since taking office in 1997, and....."

Magg:(Interrupting)  "Getting back to the earlier question,  have you ever 
even seen a demo?"

TB:"We appreciate all opinions,  and strongly defend your right to express 
them, but the public has to see that the campaign in Afghanistan was a cruel 
necessity, forced on us by..."

Magg:(Teed-off  at  getting nowhere fast) "Prime Minister,  what are  your 
views  on  old school design,  wibbly fonts and rasters,  versus the current 
vogue for full on three-dee texturemapping and stuff?!"

TB:  "Well  I've  always  been  a  big fan of starfields,  with  a  hint  of 

Magg: "Has anything interesting ever happened to you in connection with the 
demo scene?"

TB: "No."

Magg:"Thank you, Prime Minister."

I'm the hidden article, you can't find me! Har har har, hee hee hee!

                 THE END 
Just for a change,  it's all over when the thin lady has sung, and it's Geri
'about  to  be  dropped by her record company,  like a slimy thing  that  is 
unpleasant to touch' Halliwell on lead vocals!

CiH for Alive! - Jan '02

Alive 4