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For those of us that have ever used a Car Repair Manual

Okay folks, this got ligged off the emails at work. I'm sure anyone who has 
attempted to fix a car, or even opened the bonnet of one, looked inside and 
blacked  out with despair at the chaos within,  will relate to this one  in 
some shape or form!

CiH - July '01

Manual: "Rotate anticlockwise."
Translation:  Clamp  with  molegrips  then beat repeatedly with  a  hammer,

Manual: "This is a snug fit."
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Manual: "This is a tight fit."
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Manual: "As described in Chapter 7"...
Translation:  That'll  teach  you  not to read through the job  before  you
start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox!

Manual: "Pry"...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Manual: "Undo"...
Translation: Now go and buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Manual: "Retain tiny spring"...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Manual: "Press and rotate to remove bulb"...
Translation:  OK - that's the glass bit off,  now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part.

Manual: "Lightly"...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are  throbbing,  then  re-check the manual because what you are  doing  now
cannot be considered "lightly".

Manual: "Weekly checks"...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Manual: "Routine maintenance"...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Manual: "One spanner rating."
Translation: Your Mum could do this. So how did you manage to botch it up?

Manual: "Two spanner rating."
Translation:  Now  you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny,  ikkle  number...  But you also thought that the wiring diagram was a
map  of  the Tokyo Underground (in fact that would have been  more  use  to

Manual: "Four spanner rating."
Translation: You aren't seriously considering this, are you!?!

Manual: "Five spanner rating."
Translation:  Ok  go  ahead if you must,  but don't expect us to ride in it
with you afterwards!!!

Manual: "If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this"...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! (gasp)

Manual: "Compress"...
Translation:  Squeeze with all your might,  jump up and down on,  swear at,
throw  at  the garage wall,  then search for it in the dark corner  of  the
garage, whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Manual: "Inspect"...
Translation:  Squint  at  really  hard and pretend you know  what  you  are
looking  at,  then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep,  as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Manual: "Carefully"...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself, messily.

Manual: "Retaining nut"...
Translation: Yes, that's it, the big spherical blob of rust!

Manual: "Get an assistant"...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Manual: "Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed."
Translation:  However,  starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided,  you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Manual: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal."
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Manual: "Prise away plastic locating pegs"...
Translation: Snap off plastic locating pegs...

Manual: "Using a suitable drift"...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Manual: "Everyday toolkit."
Translation:  Ensure  you have an Emergency Homestart Membership Card and a
Mobile Phone handy.

Manual: "Apply moderate heat"...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't any use!

Manual: "Index."
Translation:  List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want  to

Here endeth that lesson!

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