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                      Lizbet's Cruel Country Kitchen!

A  well-known  Queen shares her love of gratuitous  violence  and food

Factual  blurb  note at the beginning,  before we get stuck in:-  Gosh, 
blimey,  CiH a closet republican!  Well I never expected it etc.. Well, 
this  is  intended  as a light-hearted send-up  of  Royalty's  love  of 
hunting and bloodthirsty practices,  that really belong to the past.  I 
am  mainly  taking the wee-wee from our own dear Elizabeth  II,  but  I 
heard  something  interesting  when I was  staying  at  the  Karsmakers 
household, around the STNICCC period.

Apparently, the supposedly liberal and 'in-touch with the public' Dutch 
queen,  enjoys shooting the wossnames out of wild boar. And this is the 
one issue that the Dutch Parliament are not allowed to go near!! As for 
the Republican aspect,  that only goes so far, as we are all getting an 
extra holiday next year, courtesy of the Golden Jubilee. Gawd bless yer 
Maam, we are all loyal subjects! (Grovel, fawn..)

Another thing, the 'Lizbet' in the title was supposed to be a childhood 
family nickname or something.


Good  morning to my subjects,  and those other European people  reading
this article.

It  is  my  greatest pleasure to present to you,  some  of  the  family
recipes  that  have  enlivened  the royal family,  and  members  of  my
household,  over many years.  If you follow the instructions carefully,
taking  particular note of the number of servants required for some  of
the more complex ventures, then success is guaranteed.

Without  further ado,  I present some of my famous royal recipes,  that
have  been  handed  down,  through many generations of  absolute  rule,
divine right of kings to rule, and abject fear!

Chicken Choker a la carte!

1 pheasant, or free range chicken, if pheasant out of season. 
1 fairly heavy vehicle. 
A strong pair of gloves. 
1 cupful of flour. 
A pinch of salt. 
Assorted members of the world media looking on.

First,  one must take your bird and run it over with a cart. The modern
version  of  this recipe allows for a Range Rover or  similar  off-road

One  then  picks up the dazed and concussed bird,  and twist  the  neck
around  until one hears a tiny popping sound which indicates  the  neck
vertebrae are broken.  Repeat until the head comes right off.  One then
shakes the bleeding corpse around,  in a sick parody of the Formula One
Grand  Prix  champagne  bath  victory celebrations,  that  some  of  my
subjects  are apparently fond of watching,  and laugh manically as  the
watching world media double up and vomit into a nearby ditch!

Throw  the flour and salt into their faces,  as making a pie is  really
out of the question by now!

Wolf Pate!

Assorted specimens of wolfkind,  a couple of these should be endangered 
1 Wolf-Blender.

For this recipe to be successful, one really needs a family-sized wolf-
blender pre-installed. The west wing of a country house will usually do
nicely. One personally recommends the Ronco-Matic 3000 model, which can
take  up  to a dozen medium sized vertabrates without  overloading  and
damaging the rotary blades.

Insert the wolves into the lower compartment of the blender.  Start the
blender blades going slowly.  These are suspended from the ceiling, and
lower  down  gradually.  Retire  to the lower observation deck  of  the
blender,  where you can observe the poor unsuspecting creatures through
the toughened glass portholes in the sides. They will gradually realise
what is going to happen to them, and start cowering and whimpering.

You will know the pate is ready,  when the doggy sounding screams reach
a crescendo, then stop suddenly.

One  finds,  that  the end result is a rather appealingly  coarse,  and
furry tasting pate.

Horse on the hoof, French style!

1 visiting party which includes the French ambassador. 
A suitable number of horses for them to ride and eat later. 
Assorted firearms, camouflage gear, etc. 
Sufficient gamekeepers to form an ambush party. 
1 tablespoon of olive oil. 
Herbs, garlic, and seasoning to taste. 
A HUGE frying pan! 
A suitably equipped hospital cum mortuary.

You  continental  types eat horses,  don't you?  Well here's a  recipe,
which  is  particularly  suitable  for  those  occasions  when  one  is
entertaining the French ambassador and his party.

This  starts  off innocently enough.  One takes one's guests out  on  a
horse riding or equestrian trip,  as a prequel to a hearty luncheon. At
some point,  the French Ambassador will ask what's for lunch. This is a
rare  opportunity  to  display the royal wit,  as one  replies  "You're
riding on it!" At that moment,  the gamekeepers that have been tracking
their  movements  closely,  will open fire from a  concealed  position,
mostly aiming for the horses, one might add. Almost any kind of shotgun
will  suffice,  but  I  personally favour using the  Smith  and  Wesson
'Scattamatic'  RK41  Pump-action repeater for its  flesh-wound  causing

It pays to have at least half a dozen groundsmen on hand, to remove the
corpses  of those less fortunate guests caught up in the  periphery  of
the shooting.  Then one brings the other ingredients into play,  as one
cuts  up and pan fries the horses,  adding the olive oil and seasoning.
Serve  to the survivors.  This will surely draw gasps of  appreciation,
from  those guests who still have throats.  This is a recipe which will
keep for a long time, if some of the surviving guests need a long spell
of reconstructive surgery and hospital treatment.

Treason Pie!

Assorted  game  birds  and  wildfowl.   Pigeon  would  be  an  adequate 
substitute  if  one  is making this dish in a working  class  area  and 
doesn't have a hunting licence. 
1 plinth, can be adapted as a beheading block. 
A couple of circus midgets, one dressed as an executioner, the other as 
a priest. 
Half a kilo of marzipan. 
Salt, pepper, butter etc.

This  is a very enjoyable dish to make,  to use up all those spare game
birds  and  wildfowl,  which  weren't killed outright  in  the  hunting
season, but were injured and nursed back to health.

For the purposes of making this recipe special,  one gives the names of
various  traitors  down the ages to each bird.  You may have  your  own
preferences,  such as Anne Boleyn, Wat Tyler, Richard III, or even that
horrid Oliver Cromwell. Personally, one derives great satisfaction from
naming  every bird that goes into a treason pie,  after a certain Diana

The  best bit of the preparation comes next,  as each bird gets its own
ceremonial execution, by beheading on a minature replica of a scaffold.
It  is permissable to cry out "Die,  you empty headed blonde bimbo!" as
the  axe  falls,  blade glinting in the evening sunlight.  When  enough
bodies have accumulated,  according to the intended size of the pie, or
the sating of one's bloodlust, then incorporate them into the piecrust,
cover with a pastry lid, and bake until the crust is nicely brown.

Meanwhile, the little heads can be stuck on a marzipan minature replica
of Traitors gate at the Tower of London,  making an amusing and unusual
table decoration,  that serves to simultaneously delight and warn one's
guests where the real power in this land lies!

Medieval style red hot poker spit roast! 

A large and spooky castle, in the dead of night. 
1 red hot poker, and heating apparatus. 
1 medium-sized deer that looks a lot like Edward II. 
3 burly manservants,  one to operate the poker,  two to hold the victim 
1 kilo of bashmati rice (cooked, not raw). 
1 ambiguously worded death warrant, in Latin. 
1 sprig of parsley.

This  is  a  commemorative  dish,  which owes  its  inspiration  to  an
interesting  form  of  middle  ages  regicide,   and  the  simultaneous
invention of the spit roast!

Many  of my subjects will be familiar with the wit and wisdom of  a  Mr
Ben  Elton,  who  penned  the  not at all  historically  accurate,  but
frightfully amusing televisual series,  'Blackadder'. In that vein, the
immortal phrase "Bend over Blackadder,  it's poker time!" should convey
just enough information about the cooking method! This does ensure that
the king, er, meat is fully cooked internally!

Serve  on  a large platter on a bed of rice,  garnish with the  parsley

A Quick note about fish!

It  is  said  that  eating  fish  is  healthy,   it  encourages  mental
development,  owing to the optimum concentration of proteins, vitamins,
and minerals in it.  Indeed,  it is known as "brain food". Which is why
we tend to avoid it.

I'll  put  it this way.  If you start eating fish,  you start down  the
slippery  road  that has modest,  social  democratic,  undemonstrative,
bicycle-riding,  user-friendly  Euro-Royalty  at the end of it.  And we
can't allow that to happen!

Death on the Beach!

1 Helicopter from the Royal Flight, even a small one will do. 
A  flock  of seagulls (actual seabirds,  NOT the 1980's synthpop  weird 
hair group!) 
Assorted bottles of very expensive gin, whisky, and champagne. 
A cocktail shaker.

This is a quick and easy way to make one's own special royal version of
that  popular  summer prole drink,  known as 'Sex on the  Beach'.  Your
servant should have already combined the gin,  whisky, and champagne in
the cocktail shaker,  to half fill it,  by the time that the helicopter
lands amidst the flock of seagulls.

Scoop  up the maimed and dying birds,  bleed into the cocktail  shaker,
until it is full. Shake, but don't stir. Pour out into pre-chilled tall
'flute' style glasses, and enjoy!

This has been by Royal Disappointment, and is CiH in 2001


Excerpts  from the 'Cannibalistic Communist Cookbook' -  Featuring  the
best way to cook Romanov Rissoles!

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