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Alive 14
                             The Story of Lucky Jim!

       Or what happens if you pay attention to all those spam emails!

Hiya to all of you Alive peeps,  my name is James or perhaps,  in view of my
amazing life story,  I should be better known as "Lucky Jim",  which for the
purposes of this article, will do just fine.

So  you  think that spam emails are the spawn of the  devil,  worthless  pap
cluttering up your email in-box? To take up any of their offers would expose
you to all sorts of financial and personal risk, right?

Well  you would be wrong,  as my amazing incredible story will reveal,  as I
can  confidentially reveal to you,  and you alone,  that spam emails are the
golden path to infinite riches and pleasure!

It all started with the Nigerian emails, as I had led an undistinguished and
poverty-stricken  life until then.  I was really looking for a quick way  to
fortune,  without  the  hard  work or long hours,  and the first email  from
Albert  Umboto,  former undersecretary to the Nigerian energy minister was a
godsend. He was offering a cool 10 percent of his $40 million fortune, which
he  was unable to move out of his country due to their  restrictive  banking
laws.  Well it seemed too good to be true, and my friends warned me as such,
but  they  were  losers,  so I ignored them and went with the  siren  voices
calling "money!"

And my trust in Mr Umboto was amply rewarded,  as I gave him my bank details
to  help  him out.  Before too long,  I was the ecstatic beneficiary of  his
promised $4 million! Already a millionaire, and not a drop of effort needed,
fantastic or what!

Well  the first 10% of 40 million dollars leads to the next,  and so on.  It
seemed that shortly after that first fateful transaction,  everyone in west-
central Africa was having problems in shifting their loot, and had all found
out  about me at the same time!  Obviously Mr Umboto was only too willing to
talk  about  my helpfulness to his collegues and peers.  It soon got to  the
point  where  cash was flowing in and I hardly had time to keep up  with  it

At the same time, there was something of a two-way exchange of favours, as I
was  able to help out with my new friends spelling and grammar.  I guess the
worry  of having so much money locked into restrictive banking  arrangements
adversely  affected their formal education!  Well anything I can do to  help

By  an  uncanny  co-incidence,  I  was  able to build  on  this  success  in
attracting  spare cash,  with the hundreds of wonderful investment tips that
came my way from some American friends,  that I had never met before.  I was
employing  a  full-time stockbroker to chase after and invest in  all  these
hidden miracles of the stock market, and the cash kept rolling in!

But  it's  not  just  the  big decisions  that  count,  if  the  thought  of
millionaire  class wealth intimidates you,  don't discount the little things
either.  The  web-page  pop-ups  urging  you to "win  a  laptop" caught  my
attention,  and  soon had more state of the art electronic gadgets,  laptops
and  iPods  than I could reasonably use.  Still,  it helped to solve my Xmas
present giving problems, and helped no end with my newly found "Mr Generous"
public image.

Eventually it got a bit too much if anything,  I lost track of how much free
money  I had got.  The last rough estimate was around the $840 million mark,
which  was still a small fraction of the trillions coming out of  Africa.  I
shouldn't  believe  the PR that it is a poor continent racked  by  AIDS  and
poverty stricken orphans.  Africa is the millionaires best kept secret. It's
like Monaco and Cannes,  but better,  where the streets are paved with gold.
They  go  on about the 'poor' thing all the time,  to keep you all  plebians

As  I  am  now  in  a  position  which  could  be  described  as  more  than
'comfortable', just lately, I have been in the generous position to pass the
latest  offers of free money for minimal work to my friends and loved  ones,
who  seem to be strangely unenthusiastic for some reason.  It's their  loss,
but I'm sure they will come around to my thinking eventually.

As I was now living the millionaire lifestyle,  there were other benefits. I
started  to get lots more opportunities with the more attractive members  of
the opposites sex.  Yet again,  spam email, my friend, came to the rescue as
suddenly  the emails offering various sexually enhancing medication  made  a
lot more sense!

Yes,  she's  a Manga!  Betcha didn't think they existed in real life either,
but she makes perfect sense in the world I inhabit!

With  a girlfriend like this,  I needed all the assistance that viagra could
give,  that herbal generic stuff really rocks! But the best was to come when
I got my penis enlarged.  Sure it wasn't cheap, but hey, you only live once!
Now it is so large, I am in danger of overbalancing and falling over!

There  is still more to come,  as the Putin academy of immortality have just
emailed  me  about  the health-giving properties of a  rare  element  called
Polonium 90. Apparently,  with a big enough dose, you can live forever! (Or
at least the email was talking about a "half-life" of 18,768 years, which is
long enough for me!)

So  my  friends,  my story goes to show that you shouldn't ignore  so-called
'junk' emails,  as they really have the power to transform your life for the

And just a final thought in pictorial form. Here's what all of you look like
to  me,  those  of you who are blinded to following the golden path of  spam
heaven.  Don't delete them without thinking,  your life could be transformed

Collected by CiH,  when he was heavily sedated,  with bricks, for Alive Mag,
Dec 06!
Alive 14