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Teh Dirk!
Ho there, it's your favourite lukewarm news and views column, based on the
offcuts of what is going around in this big wide and daft world, and
hopefully some stuff that I'll make up, that almost seamlessly blends in to
look like real news? Maybe!
It looks like what might happen if I ever did a blog!
Bottlenose goes on holiday?
---------------------------
"Fishermen captured the four-finned dolphin alive off the coast of Wakayama
prefecture (state) in western Japan on Oct. 28, and alerted the nearby Taiji
Whaling Museum, according to museum director Katsuki Hayashi. Fossil remains
show dolphins and whales were four-footed land animals about 50 million
years ago and share the same common ancestor as hippos and deer. Scientists
believe they later transitioned to an aquatic lifestyle and their hind limbs
disappeared. Whale and dolphin fetuses also show signs of hind protrusions
but these generally disappear before birth."
Someone tell the dolphin they're better off where they are, in the sea! Too
many people on land already. In fact we're evolving fins to come in where
they are now!
A very VERY big Mac?
--------------------
Here's a large portion, yes! It's a giant burger so gut-bustingly bad for
you it has been named the Quadruple Bypass. Containing four half-pound
burgers and layers of cheese and bacon, the Bypass contains an estimated
1,200 calories.
[Evil of DHS falls in love!]
Then throw in some 'Flatliner Fries', cooked in pure lard, and the
calorie count rises to 2,200, which is nearly a man's daily recommended
intake. (But not THIS man!) This fat-tastic creation is made by the Heart
Attack Grill in Tempe, Arizona, which says it is 'absolutely committed to
creating the world's greatest hamburger and french fries'. It also offers
other burgers in less punishing sizes, such as single, double, and triple,
as well as the killer quadruple. Their slogan? 'A Taste worth dying for'!
Spot the thief competition!
---------------------------
In the long list of criminal dos and don'ts, one of the top pieces of advice
just has to be "Never rob a bank thinking that you're invisible when you're
not actually invisible." Sadly for one man in Iran, he made that simple
error and as a result, police in Tehran are hunting a fake sorcerer who
convinced the man he was invisible and so could rob banks safely.
The man's ill-fated attempt started to go wrong shortly after he entered the
bank when he started snatching money from the hands of customers. For some
reason, rather than being terrified of the mysterious invisible poltergeist
stealing their cash, the customers quickly overpowered the all-too-visible
thief. "I made a mistake. I understand now what a big trick was played on
me," the man told the court. (Yes you did make a mistake, didn't you!)
He explained that he had paid 5 million rials to a wizard imposter, who in
return gave him some spells to tie to his arm. The sorcerer told him that
they would make him invisible, and that he could then rob banks to his
heart's content.
Bumfire night!
--------------
A dangerous prank quite literally backfired and landed a 22-year-old in
hospital with a scorched colon, after he stuck a firework up his rectum. A
soldier, just returned from Iraq, inserted a rocket in a launching tube
definitely not recommended by the Fireworks Code and, as onlookers cheered,
lit the blue touchpaper.
A witness Daniel Kassim, 16, said: "There were around 40 of us after the
bonfire had finished. This lad was saying, "This is boring, what can we do?"
He then put a rocket up his backside and set light to it." "Everyone was
laughing and didn't believe he'd do it. He pulled his trousers down and it
exploded within seconds. No one thought he was hurt. But then he stood up
and walked a few metres before stumbling and falling to the ground. There
was quite a bit of blood."
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents reiterated its warnings
about the dangers of playing with fireworks. "It's very sad that this
person had to learn about the dangers posed in this way," it said. "But
strangely hilarious at the same time!"
The other question that springs to my mind is, that as he was a serving
soldier in Iraq, there would have surely been lots of willing volunteers
from one of the many factional militia's there, able to lend a spare RPG 7
rocket to help with this gentleman's strange wish to put a rocket up his
rectum, without him having to come back home to do it in the first place?!
Would you like a free DVD player with that sir? Prepare to die!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung has partnered with a Korean university to develop a robotic sentry
equipped with a 5.56mm machine gun. Meant for deployment along the DMZ
between North and South Korea the $200,000 robot employs sophisticated
pattern recognition software for targeting humans. No three laws here, but
the robot does include a speaker that can be used to politely issue a
warning before taking the target out.
"You have 10 seconds to comply..."
Simply Dead?
------------
Take someone with too much time on their hands, editing privileges for
Wikipedia, a visceral loathing of Simply Red and Mick Hucknall, and you get
an entry like this..
Death "Shortly after 01:00 GMT on November 18, 2006, Mick Hucknall died of
a massive heart attack in his sleep at his New York apartment." "Hucknall
quit smoking prior to his death and was losing weight, fellow band members
of Simply Red even said he looked healthier than ever. Hucknall was warned
by doctors several times to lose weight due to a genetic predisposition to
heart disease, from which his father had died at the age of 35. Despite
this, there was public evidence that Hucknall was self-conscious about his
appearance when, a few years before his death, he cancelled his appearance
as host of an awards show for the CBC because the advertising campaign for
the special poked fun at his weight."
Not to mention some of the quotes on the trivia section might have been
meddled with a tad too!
"Famous for his long dreads in the 1990s."
"TVGoHome parodied him with an (imaginary) programme entitled Mick
Hucknall's Pink Pancakes, in which he pressed his scrotum against a variety
of publicly-viewable transparent surfaces."
And even, "He's ginger."
Money's too tight to mention (so give me some more!)
---------------------------------------------------
Mick Hucknall NOT dead afer all shocker!
Overcoming the shock of his prematurely reported Wikipedia demise, Mick
Hucknall seeks to confirm his alive and living status in an article on the
Guardian Unlimited website promoting the benefits of extended copyright for
music. In doing so, he's managed the apparently impossible feat of
increasing by a power of 10x, his already heightened powers of tosserdom!
He starts, "Copyright is fundamentally socialist - it is radical and
redistributive, subversive even. How else would you describe a form of
property that anyone can create out of nothing? Copyright's democratising
effect is seen most clearly in the music business."
Adding "Copyright promotes artistic creativity and the free circulation of
ideas."
Then he goes on to argue that "In this environment, arguments against the
extension of the copyright term in sound recordings from 50 to 95 years are
retrogressive and misconceived. Copyright is not a monopoly restricting the
free flow of ideas."
Aren't we forgetting about huge music megacorps who really don't get the
creative freedom thing? I think Mick is being naive and hopeful here. The
tone of the rest of the article dwelled on what a fantastic job copyright
can do for those small-time musicians and wannabe bedroom record labels,
without looking at the converse situation, where power is already
concentrated in over-mighty hands.
But wait, near the end of the article, he's got that covered too. He thinks
the answer might be some form of 'revolution lite'! My grud, he's too clever
for me!
"The benefits of extending the copyright term will last a long time. We
should not be deterred by the perception of where the current benefit will
chiefly fall. If need be, those who receive windfalls can be persuaded to
share them, just as the future cultural and economic benefits will be shared
across all of society, for generations to come."
This article was online, so quite a lot of people had their say as well. It
is fair to assume that there weren't that many comments in favour, It is
interesting to note that the one person vaguely in favour of the ideas
expressed was still moved to say that he hated Simply Red. Here are a
selection of the best ones...
"Is this Mick Hucknall any relation to the Mick Hucknall who, six years ago,
moaned that his major label record deal meant the label owned the copyright
on Simply Red's master tapes?"
"I would expect Mick to be aware that much of the proceeds of music
copyright are already sheltered offshore. John Lennon isn't going to write
one more song because his copyrights get extended."
"I blame Caxton myself, if he hadn't forced that printing press on us then
we wouldn't have had blokes down the market flogging sheet music copies of
the popular music hall stuff."
"Copyright isn't socialist. This is drivel."
"It says at the bottom of the article: "Mick Hucknall is lead singer of
Simply Red"" Actually, Mick Hucknall is CEO of Simply Red. He hires and
fires other people to produce the music and keeps the loot for himself. And
then calls himself a socialist."
"One thing that is often missed is that no form of IPR, whether copyright,
patent or whatever, is worth the paper it's written on without the financial
muscle to back it up. If as an individual you find a large corporation has
infringed or stolen one of your ideas, try writing to them and asking for
compensation without the serious threat of legal action."
And shortest and best of all..
"I think we should have a special supercopyright law for anything by Mick
Hucknall: if anyone so much as listens to Simply Red, we shoot them."
When the dead walk the earth, you will still look your best!
------------------------------------------------------------
Now here's something that you don't get every day. With the interest in all
things Zombie at a high, especially in the pages of this issue of Alive Mag,
Canadian artist, Rob Sacchetto has gone that unnecessary step further.
He has set up a website, where you can order a portrait of how you might
look, if the worst happened, and you joined the zombie hordes, after a
certain amount of initial mutilation of course. All you need is 80 US
dollars, and a decent headshot or facial portrait, and his sick and twisted
imagination does the rest.
If that seems expensive, you do get a real portrait, created by hand, on
real canvas or paper, and not a digital image. He assures us that "These
portraits are badass, you will love your Zombie Portrait."
Here's an imperfect 'before and after' example, of how you might look. Both
of these seem to bear some resemblance to our dear editor-in-chief, Cyclone!
And here's the URL.
http://www.zombieportraits.com/
No iTrip to jail!
-----------------
In a world where there seems to be increasing restrictions, and more well-
meaning attempts to solve a problem by passing a law against it, it is
refreshing to occasionally see a legal frontier rolled back a little bit for
the public's benefit.
In this light, it is interesting to hear that short range FM transmitters
like the iTrip were unbanned from the 8th December in the UK. The devices
were unbanned following a year-long attempt to change the law by UK wireless
regulator Ofcom. After waiting for interested parties to comment on the
proposals, drafting the legislation modification etc. Ofcom finally altered
the 1949 Wireless Telegraphy Act.
So people called Felice who enjoy their wire-free in-car entertainment have
nothing to fear from UK law anymore!
Fifteen minutes of fame? More like five minutes!
------------------------------------------------
PR guru, Max Clifford has produced a ten point guide on how to become a
'celebrity'. By 'celebrity', I mean annoying nonentity who is overexposed a
lot in the media, and manages to be famous just by being around, and having
no real talent for doing anything, apart from attention seeking.
Here are those tips (sigh!)
1. Appear on a reality series - "Oooh er, its thingummy! You know, her on
Celebrity Death March!"
2. Enter a talent contest - Shiny cheeked fairly presentable singing
hopeful, cruelly beaten down by Simon Cowell!
3. Be abysmal on a talent show - "Vee arr der Cheeky girls!"
4. Gain fame by association - Any footballers wife?
5. Date a celebrity - Rat faced bloke, Kevin wossname, hung around Britney
Spears?
6. Flaunt your body - Britney/Paris/Chantelle/Madonna/Beckham stick insect
woman!
7. Date a Royal Family member - Never say Di!
8. Make a home sex video - Paris Hilton in a porno movie shot through a US
Army sniper night vision scope!
9. Be a success on MySpace - Eh? Do they mean the Saddam Hussein Myspace
site or what?!
10. Be in the right place at the right time - Any or all of the above, under
a falling piano!
You couldn't make it up, episode 9417!
--------------------------------------
In an otherwise straight-laced and factual report that the incidence of the
HIV virus can be reduced by up to 50% in men, if their organs of pleasure
are circumcised, there was a rather unfortunate hilarity collision of the
name of the proponent of that report, with the subject matter in question.
So here we go..
"Dr Kevin De Cock, director of the HIV/Aids department of the World Health
Organization told the BBC the results were a 'significant scientific
advance' but were not a magic bullet and would never replace existing
prevention strategies."
"Dr De Cock said that countries in Africa who wanted to use this approach
would still have to decide what age groups to target and there would have to
be training and hygienic practices in place."
Whatever next, a gynaecologist with the name of Dr Fannyfumble?!
A real Xmas Bargain! (Or possibly not..)
----------------------------------------
You might think that there has been a breakthrough in the pricing of large
screen LCD TVs, as Woolworths were offering these on their website for a
price of 150 UKP in the pre-Xmas shopping rush!
However, it turns out to be a simple mistake on their part screaming
"TYPING ERROR!" and they didn't actually mean to do that. The real price for
a Sharp 'Aquos' 37 inch LCD Television is nearer to 1500 UKP. Woolworths
pulled the site offline, said it was a mistake, and aren't going to honour
those orders which made it through before they did! Quite a few people
tried, and the site got overloaded a little bit!
A career in catering beckons for this young man?
------------------------------------------------
Marco Castro, a high school student, is facing criminal charges after school
officials say he ejaculated into the school cafeteria salad dressing.
Castro is accused of spiking a container with his own semen, at Wheaton
North High School.
"A letter went home to parents on Thursday, in which principal Jill Bullo
wrote that on the 6th Dec, the student took the salad dressing container
into the boys restroom, ejaculated into it, and placed it back on the
cafeteria condiment table."
Criminal charges are being brought against him, and it will indeed be ironic
if the only job that he can get afterwards, would be working at somewhere
like McDonalds!
It's cheap funeral time!
------------------------
Cumbria County Council may have the answer if a beloved elderly relative has
just died and the funeral expenses are too much. You can cut her up and take
her down to the local rubbish tip!
According to a local newspaper, Dave Straughton of Workington asked for a
waste disposal permit. His initial description of "General domestic waste"
was rejected by the council, who wanted a more specific description.
Straughton said he had a guitar and organ to dispose of, and then asked if
the council would accept dismembered body parts in bin bags.
The council officer apparently didn't have a problem with that description,
and a few days later, the permit turned up. It read "The following waste can
be disposed, Guitar, Organ, Grandma's dismembered body parts in bin bags."
The council's sense of humour extended to just one employee, as the issuing
officer got "recycled" out of a job himself when this unusual permit was
discovered.
And Mr Straughton didn't actually have a diced granny pending urgent
disposal, he was being sarcastic and taking issue with the council's waste
management policies!
Bleating his Meat??
-------------------
I took this straight from the BBC news website. There is no editing, just a
straight cut and paste, there was no need for any other comment really!
Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat
A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was
caught having sex with the animal.
The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took
him to a council of elders. They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry
of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi. "We have given him the goat,
and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.
Mr Alifi, of Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper
that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately
rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat. "When I asked him: 'What are
you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied
him up."
Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case. "They said
I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my
goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.
I'm not going to say anything else, I promise!
Sitting on the Devil's Sofa!
----------------------------
A Chinese to English translation software glitch was thought to be
responsible for this little faux-pas.
A Toronto family has been left traumatised after a software translation
error led to the dark brown upholstery of their new sofa being labelled
"nigger brown". It was apparently caused by a mis-spelling of a colour
description "Niger brown" from the original Chinese.
Cue huge amounts of embarassment and threats of legal action all round!
Doris Moore explained that it was her seven-year-old daughter who first
spotted the offending tag. She recounted: "My daughter saw the label and she
knew the colour brown, but didn't know what the other word meant. She asked,
'Mommy, what colour is that?' I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. I
never thought that's how she'd learn of that word."
The apology was not enough, she considers that the incident has "taken a
toll on her family" and is seeking compensation.
She said: "Something more has to be done. We don't just need a personal
apology, but someone needs to own up to where these labels were made, and
someone needs to apologise to all people of colour. I had friends over from
St Lucia yesterday and they wouldn't sit on the couch."
Coming up next, rational person with similarly labelled sofa refuses to take
part in idiot circus of overreaction, accepts apology, removes offending
label, and thinks nothing more about the matter!
Chernobyl on Sea?
-----------------
Russia has started to build the worlds first purpose-built floating nuclear
power station which will be called the "Academician Lomonosov." It will be
ready for 2010, and they are hoping to build six more of these.
The 9 billion rouble floating nuclear stations will have two nuclear
reactors (of a type previously used on their ice-breakers), which use
uranium enriched to a maximum of 20 percent. Total capacity will be 70
megawatts and the stations will also desalinate sea water.
The Russians are confident that this is a safe way to bring nuclear power to
remote regions of the world. Greenpeace disagrees.
"This is the most dangerous project that has been launched by the atomic
sector in the whole world over the past decade," said Ivan Blokov, campaign
director of Greenpeace Russia. "It is scary as this is basically going to be
a floating atomic bomb."
As this project has been greenlighted by the Russian leadership, who have a
renewed interest in developing nuclear technology, what's the betting that
Mr Ivan Greenpeace bloke will get to personally sample some of the
more delightful by-products of their nuclear industry before too long?
Polonium 90 ring a bell for instance?
The fat lady has breathed out of tune..
---------------------------------------
This has been fun, but the deadlines are getting too close again, so it is
time to say goodbye. See you back in a future issue!
CiH at various times between November 06 and April 07.
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