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Alive 13

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 ..E d I t O r I a L..

We're  heading your way again,  like a hurricane generated off the wing of a
Puerta Rican butterfly,  when that butterfly was straining for a crap around
five and a half months ago. Needless to say, it died in the attempt, and now
we're all gonna pay!

It's the must try to count how many we've done sometime edition on  Minimag,
with all the (un)usual slightly Atari scene-related thrills and stuff.

 ..S c E n E - N e W s..

Ultra of Cream,  but you can call him Candyman if you like,  just in case it
annoys  him,  continues  his exploration of ever more  unlikely  alternative
platforms  after his smash-hit VCS 2600 intro.  He was heard to be muttering
the phrase "Pokemon Mini Heftig me beautiful" by concerned sources!

The  question  "Where  are  they now?" is answered in  part.  Tanis  of  TCB
recently  broke cover on the Atari Forum,  and we speculated as to what  the
other TCB members are currently up to!

Apparently,  Nic  gave up coding,  and is now the leader of a Pomeranian Egg
Cult. He's moving ever closer to yolk nirvana!

Jas is writing software for medical equipment. You can tell it's one of his,
if your heart monitor has sync-scrolling and border scrollers, and it chants
"Please Wait", with digidrums, when your heart stops!

AN  Cool is still stripping off for the cameras in tribute to his ST  Format
days  flogging  TCB Tracker.  the only problem is,  that these are the  CCTV
cameras  found  in  most  public places and  shopping  malls.  He  has  been
sectioned under the mental health act!

All the extra people they took on at the end were getting together with  the
Reservoir Gods 'Axeman',  all of the Mugwumps,  New Trend, and possibly Tat,
to  form a new supergroup.  They will code demos on the Palm Pilot and  Xbox
360! Their first release is expected in 2008!

 ..W o R l D - N e W s..

The  Iranian government announces the results of their enquiry to  determine
whether  the  Jewish  holocaust  actually  happened,   or  not.  An  Iranian
government   spokesman,   Dr  Muhammed  Cantbeasked  Tomakeupaname  murmured
cryptically, "Not yet..."

When  pressed  to clarify that comment,  he was a bit more forthcoming.  "Be
patient,  it  takes  time.  Weapons  grade plutonium doesn't grow on  trees,

Bogota,  Columbia,  and a tense stand-off with drug gang kidnappers has been
brought  to  an  end  when the hostage-takers  were  subdued  with  repeated
playings  of Walter Werzowa's 'Intel Inside' chimes.  The distinctive "Da da
da  DING!"  sonic logo was played at a rate of 15-20 times per  minute,  and
over  a  period of three hours in total.  At the end of it,  the  kidnappers
surrended,  feeling suicidal,  but strangely go-ahead corporate and ready to
troubleshoot the inside of a computer at the same time!

You  are all aware of the furore over a series of 'offensive' cartoons  that
rocked  the  Muslim  world  earlier this year.  Well  we  defy  the  bearded
lynchmobs of unreason, and reprint them here in Minimag too!

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         "A friend who nicks stuff     #
           to use in Minimag is a      #
              pain in the arse!"       #

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     "Hang on a minute, I'm getting    #
        a deja-vu feeling again?"      #

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Well  I guess we're eating burning flags and petroleum jelly for  breakfast,
but frankly, we don't give a stuff!

 ..G a M e S..

Whilst nervously keeping half an eye on what Microsoft were up to with their
new  X-Box  360,  Sony were caught by surprise with Nintendo renaming  their
'Revolution' next-gen console, to the "Wiiii!".

However,  Sony  were  commendably  quick to react to this changed  state  of
affairs.  Henceforth,  the  PS3  will be known as the "Neeeooaaawww!  I'm an
aeroplane!"  Microsoft,  so  far the only player with a next-gen product  on
sale, reacted angrily.

"Muuuum,  it's  not  fair!  We're  the  only next-gen console maker  with  a
sensibly named product. Make them stop it!!"

Electronic Arts, or "EA" to those people trying to sound 'hip to the industry
vibe' and failing by several years, released the first of their new series of
"Outdoor Games for Indoor Children".

The  rather  clunkily  titled "British Bulldog and  other  playground  games
Simulator." Offers a lavishly rendered first person view of a lost world  no
longer available to today's children, who are kept in secure air conditioned
accomodation, for fear and safety reasons.

They  can  feel  the  unfamiliar  sensation  of  "running"  in  the   school
playground,  that  old and disregarded piece of tarmac at the far end of the
school  currently being sold off for a housing development.  Actual exercise
is  possible with the add-on "Trudge Trudge Revolution" exercise  treadmill,
retailed separately at 299.99 EUR.

The  game  is PS2 compatible,  and will be developed on all  major  next-gen
console formats. It will feature add-on enhancement packs such as:-

"Dodging the school bully"..

"Conkers and Marbles gaming modules"..

"Tuck-shop power-ups"..

"Wet playtime".. And no, that isn't something you should google for with the
images safe search option turned off!

 ..D e M o S..

Ray  of tSCc,  but feel free to change the capitalisation to something  like
TscC  to  really  piss  someone off,  has decided to  support  more  obscure
platforms  in an Ultra-like fashion,  after the success of the TT version of

The  scene is eagerly awaiting to see how he is making the Atari badged  286
PeeCee  version possible.  Sources say that he is making good progress  with
the CGA graphics.   After that, there is still the Panther Devkit version to

This just in, Ray has been investigating converting 'Beams' to the Atari ATW
Transputer.  He  said  publicly  that  a preliminary  version  of  this  was
"Definitely better than the Falcon!"

The madness continues,  shows no sign of stopping, and every sign of getting
out of hand.  Now Ray is reported to be collaborating with Ultra of Cream on
an Atari VCS2600 version of 'Heftig', Oops, that's no longer satire!

And in a breathless finale to a rather busy section, Ray catches himself out
supporting  a  platform  many  people  have  got  with  a  CT60  version  of
Wolfenstein. "Damn! I didn't intend to do that!" he blurted out..

 ..U t I l I t I e S..

Grazey  of the PHF releases a new Ice Picker.  It is as good as the old  ice
picker,  but  it  can cut for deeper and longer,  and it can ice pick in the
background,  whilst you are multi-tasking with a cup of tea.  It has already
received an enthusiastic welcome from some quarters.

"Oh goody!" - Leon Trotsky.

 ..V i R u S - W a T c H..

First Macintosh Trojan spotted, world ends!

The  software upgrade,  that all Apple Mac fanatics have been dreading,  has
finally been released. The cunningly disguised trojan malware, hidden inside
an       innocuous       looking       executable       file        labelled
"Yesimavirusclickonmeyoustupidbastard",   is  supposed  to  be  able  to  do
"naughty"  things  to  MacOS.  It is apparently activated by  following  the
simple steps of clicking on the executable,  entering the root user name and
password on the prompt,  then entering the Darwin terminal,  and downloading
and  installing  Fink SDL through the terminal to enable the  virus  to  run
correctly,  deleting  all  files beginning with the letter "D" off the  main
hard  disk,  then  carry  out a reinstall of OSX 'Tiger' with  the  original
installation  DVD.  After taking those few simple steps,  then OSX is hugely

The  vice president of anti-virus market leaders Slylamertec,  Dick "Deeply"
Dunkley commented thus.

"Mac  users  had better get over the idea that they are  somehow  immune  to
malware  infections,  and will have to look at investing in state of the art
defences,  like ours. I mean, it's taken long enough for one to come out. It
was getting damn close to the point where we were thinking of releasing  one
or two ourselves to stimulate the marketpla-Ooops!"

 ..W h E r E  A r E  T h E y  N o W ??..

We've found another old Atarian, and see what he's up to now!

James  L  Mathews,  who narrowly avoided attending the Maggie  5th  birthday
party through a colossal rail ticketing fuck-up,  and formerly the head dude
of  Top Byte Software now sells fantastic "health" products on Ebay.  We are
confronted with a new line-up of Super Stario pills, where the power-ups are
stronger, longer lasting, and, erm, longer?

We got to read some testaments to their benefits;

"With the Super Stario 'Stiffemup' erection capsules, I was firing jizzbolts
across the room after three days, and knocking holes in stud partition walls
on the other side!" - Richard Dangerous Esq.

"With  these  great pills,  I can hang suspension bridge supports and  steel
girders off my little man!" - J Prescott, Hull, UK.


This  Mini-mag  edition has won a meaningless service award  for  being  the
number  one distributor of scurrilous gossip,  looked at through a weirdness
distorting lense!

You might be interested to know  that this was nicked from some ski resort's
website originally!

We say,  go for it James, and someone please, show him the way to get out of

 ..M u L t I m E d I a..

Due  to changing population demographics,  the beat combo formerly known  as
'Atari  Teenage Riot' will now be known as 'Atari Middle-age  Slouch'!  (And
may yet change again to 'Atari pensionable huddle'?)

There's a bit about Madonna loosely themed around "Mutton dressed as  lamb",
but we'll save that 'til the end.

Following  Manou's success in the Outline '06 Newschool  music  competition,
some people in the mainstream have been taking an interest.  The head of RCA
records,  Rick  Cashgutter has been trying to sign her up as "The next Sandi
Thom".  Manou  has  more sense than that,  and was quoted as saying "Does he
think I'm a dipshit, with flowers in my hair?!"

 ..M o R e - F u C k I n G - A d V e R t S..

Look,  it's a pop-up,  right in the middle of Minimag! Where did that bugger
come from?!

+ 888.CON - Stop whatever you're doing, and PLAY POKER NOW!!!!! +

Good  question coming up here,  is "Texas Hold'em" a popular slang term  for
the  debtors  prison that they put people in,  when they've finally  spazzed
away all their money and assets to 'online providers' like '888.CON'?!

For Sale..

One (1x) emergency power generator,  100 Kw diesel, capable of up to six (6)
hours independent operation without refueling. Reason for sale, forgotten to
bring  to  demo party in Holland (OL'06).  Therefore pristine condition  and

 ..L e T t E r S..

This time, we have got some Ebay feedback.

Rubbish!  Minimag does NOT make you stronger harder and longer,  in spite of
what  is  claimed,  will  definitely not do business with them again  -  JLM

+++++ Top bullshitters! +++++ Would read again! - Wartlover.

I paid for and expected a load of top-notch laughs,  I got this unfunny text
instead, DON'T BOTHER!! - Twistedfirestarter4you


 ..F i C t I o N..

Once upon a time, there was a fantastic website which sold lots of pills and
potions  with  curative  properties that were second  to  none.  They  could
literally take a balding fatarse wimp with zero sex drive, and turn him into
the ultimate love god, with no further effort on that person's part!

"Dammit!  I  said  creative  writing,  but not THAT creative!!" The  teacher
screamed at the young James L Mathews...

The end.

 ..W h E n - T h E - F a T - L a D y - S i N g S..

Well  it's  a  skinny lady,  Madonna to be precise,  in that rather  cutaway
leotard  to  be even more precise.  But what's this,  she's given herself  a
hernia with all her recent lucrative groinoerotic straining, Hahahahaha!


  CiH, for Alive Mag, June '06..

Alive 13