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Charcoal - If weer starting off with a shitlisty for Xmas, the bain of my
Xmas is rubish presents. Weeve moved from the outrightly unsootable and naf
festive gifts. At leest you don't get socks as a prezent anymore, unles
there is some wity slogan or picture of Homar Simpson on them. Tee hee,
verry funny, I don't think! The cleer and preseant danger comes from a new
line of naf prezents growing up in their plaice. These ofer a mundain
function, whilst it pretends to be a nifty gagdet. I supose when you get a
set of Kuflinks with an electronik egg-timer built in, you'r suposed to
bee pathetikally gratefull and think of yourself as a kut-price suburben
James Bond heroe? Wel I've got news for you, dis shit is not an iPod by
proxey, and never wil be!
Ferlease - My idea of rubbish presents is something that is made rubbish,
because it came close to being something good. I often get geek toys and
video games from well-meaning relatives. Their problem is that they don't
have a clue what I've actually got and what my interests are. What good is
a Nintendo Gamecube version of "Barbie Doll Attack", when I've got a PS2,
and I'm not into Barbie dolls, unless they are lifesize and made of soft
yielding latex, with realistic orifices and hair, hem!
Pongo - My definition of rubbish presents is obvious to people who know me,
and even those of you who only catch a whiff of my presence. I'm talking of
scented soaps and toiletries. When I first heard the words, "Pongo's
getting smellies for Xmas", I was excited beyond reason. Alas, bitter
experience has taught that this really means something I run a mile from!
Charcoal - I also loath peeple who cum back to me to complain about the stuf
I sold them on Ebay, or prettended to! Well its like any other marketplaice
wher you meet lots of dodgy geezzers like mee! Some of these have the nerv
to complain on tele programs like Watchdoge. They bleet on about "I sent
4000 ukp thrugh Westurn Union to a bloeke in Ittaly and got no goods bak,
so I'm verry angrey with ebaye for leting this happen!" Wel to those fules,
I sai if you want to know who to blaem for yur missfortune, look in the
friggin mirror! Oh, and I'v got 40 milion dollarz resting in an acount in
Nigeeria, how would yu liek a share to help mee move it?
Ferlease - One of the weirder aspects of Xmas are the attempts by traders in
their slack time of year, to sell unseasonal goods with a Xmas slant. You
know the kind of thing, "Buy two hosepipes at Xmas, and get a third free,
wrapped in tinsel!" Somehow, we get cement merchants and replacement window
companies trying to persuade us that major building works and upheaval for
their profit, are just what we need for the Xmas holidays.
Pongo - I find the whole Xmas shopping overcrowding mob rule experience
overhyped. I don't get a problem even in the busiest town centre, as
people get out of my way as if magically parted by an invisible forcefield
when I come along! Trouble is, it gets difficult when most shop assistants
fall ill at the same time, wonder why?
Charcoal - Why kan't you get lightsaberes for Xmas? It wuld be the ulttimate
gagdet pressent! Not onley kool for the Jedi faktor, but usseful around teh
home aswel, for openning tinnies and emmergencie surjery, not tu mention
bulkhed doors on traid fedderation starships.
Ferlease - When it comes down to it,the real magic of Xmas isn't to do with
anything selfless like giving soup to orphans. I'm going to be brutally
honest and say it as it is. We're talking about the quality of the presents
you get. Childhood Xmas's were magical, because your financial power was
limited, and the stuff you got at special times like Xmas and birthdays
sort of held a promise to change your life. >
You could equally divide the best xmas's between those presents which were
a total surprise but somehow your parents could mind- read, so you got just
what you wanted, and then there were those extra-expensive presents which
you knew you were getting in advance. Once you are an adult, it is hard to
recapture this magic. Your options have increased, as you can scratch any
acquisitive itch, within the limits of reasonable finances, at any time of
the year. At the same time, your fantasy present wish-list has moved a lot
higher into the realms of unfeasibility, which only a lottery win can
satisfy. Something like this might match your expectations, but it would be
a sod to giftwrap! Or get hold of, for that matter.
"Consequence-free wild sex with a nymphlike cheerleader, thank you, it's
just what I wanted!"
Pongo - Whatever happened to good old fashioned food poisoning?! We're
living in a nanny state, with too much unwanted advice on how to cook a
turkey safely. In the good old days, you could rely on a combination of a
40 pound turkey, and an inexperienced cook to heat up a lethal culinary
weapon. There was the delightful russian roulette element at the Xmas
dinner table, whether you would carve down to the salmonella infected semi-
cooked layer or not. And the projecticle vomiting, from both ends was
simply adorable!
Charcoal - Is Ammerikan Xmas at diferent and random times of the year from
ours? Jujging by the tieming of Xmas speccials of 'Freinds' and teh
Simpsuns. They also seeme to hav two or thre of thesse in a year, but I
gues if you'r the richesst cuntry in the wurld, you can. So hard luk on teh
poore thurd world cuntrees who probbably only hav a Xmas once evvery ten
years!
Ferlease - Xmas brings out the worst in evil bosses at work who think this
is a good time to make staff redundant. Granted there is no good time for
this sort of occasion, but you see it on the tele news in November and
December, a lot of places giving out the bad news to their struggling
workforce, even if the unhappy occasion is still six months or more away. It
still casts a pall over Xmas with all the new worries. I think there is
a scrooge mentality at work which likes to fuck up Xmas for people, which
this certainly does!
Pongo - Sprouts are the kings of vegetables! They are the perfect fart
machines, and you can eat as many as you like at Xmas, without awkward
questions being asked. This rules!
Charcoal - Oki, how about teh wurds of Xmas carrolls that yu used to chainge
when you were children? My favorit one of thoes was;
"Whenn Shephurds washed their socks by night whiel waching ITV,
teh Anjel of the lord caem down, and swiched to BBC!"
Ferlease - I remember that, but also liked this one;
"We three kings of Orient are,
One in a taxi, one in a car.
One on a scooter, beeping his hooter,
following yonder star."
Pongo - No, no, no, there can only be one winner here!
"Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg...."
Charcoal - Anny final thorts for Xmas? Mine is maek sure yu kepe thee
receipt, unles its stuff you buy from my stall, in wich case, tough!
Ferlease - Please can I have a cheerleader, I've been a REALLY good boy
this year!
Pongo - At Xmas time, pungent is sensual!
Dildo Fatwa! For Alive Xmas Special!Dec '05.
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