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Charcoal  - If weer starting off with a shitlisty for Xmas,  the bain  of my
Xmas is rubish presents. Weeve moved from the outrightly  unsootable and naf
festive  gifts.  At leest  you don't get socks as  a prezent anymore,  unles
there  is  some wity slogan or picture of  Homar Simpson on them.  Tee  hee,
verry funny,  I don't think! The  cleer and preseant danger comes from a new
line  of  naf  prezents  growing up in their plaice.  These ofer  a  mundain
function,  whilst  it pretends to be a nifty gagdet. I supose when you get a
set  of   Kuflinks with an electronik egg-timer built in,  you'r suposed  to
bee  pathetikally gratefull and think of yourself as a  kut-price   suburben
James  Bond  heroe?  Wel I've got news for you,  dis shit is  not an iPod by
proxey, and never wil be!

Ferlease  -  My idea of rubbish presents is something that is made  rubbish,
because  it came close to being something good.  I often get  geek toys  and
video  games from well-meaning relatives.  Their  problem is that they don't
have a clue what I've actually got and  what my interests are.  What good is
a  Nintendo Gamecube version of  "Barbie Doll Attack", when I've got a PS2,
and  I'm not into Barbie  dolls,  unless they are lifesize and made of  soft
yielding latex,  with realistic orifices and hair, hem!

Pongo - My definition of rubbish presents is obvious to people who  know me,
and even those of you who only catch a whiff of my  presence. I'm talking of
scented  soaps  and  toiletries.  When I first  heard  the  words,  "Pongo's
getting  smellies  for  Xmas",  I was excited  beyond reason.  Alas,  bitter
experience has taught that this really  means something I run a mile from!

Charcoal - I also loath peeple who cum back to me to complain about the stuf
I sold them on Ebay, or prettended to! Well its like any  other marketplaice
wher you meet lots of dodgy geezzers like mee!   Some of these have the nerv
to  complain on tele programs like  Watchdoge.  They bleet on about "I  sent
4000  ukp thrugh Westurn  Union to a bloeke in Ittaly and got no goods  bak,
so I'm verry  angrey with ebaye for leting this happen!" Wel to those fules,
I   sai if you want to know who to blaem for yur missfortune,  look in   the
friggin mirror!  Oh,  and I'v got 40 milion dollarz resting in an  acount in
Nigeeria, how would yu liek a share to help mee move it?

Ferlease - One of the weirder aspects of Xmas are the attempts by traders in
their slack time of year,  to sell unseasonal goods with  a Xmas slant.  You
know the kind of thing,  "Buy two hosepipes at  Xmas,  and get a third free,
wrapped in tinsel!" Somehow, we get  cement merchants and replacement window
companies trying to  persuade us that major building works and upheaval  for
their  profit, are just what we need for the Xmas holidays.

Pongo  - I find the whole Xmas shopping  overcrowding mob  rule   experience
overhyped.   I  don't  get  a problem even in the busiest  town  centre,  as
people get out of my way as if magically parted by  an invisible  forcefield
when I come along!  Trouble is, it gets  difficult when most shop assistants
fall ill at the same time,  wonder why?

Charcoal - Why kan't you get lightsaberes for Xmas? It wuld be the ulttimate
gagdet pressent! Not onley kool for the Jedi faktor, but  usseful around teh
home  aswel,  for openning tinnies and emmergencie  surjery,  not tu mention
bulkhed doors on traid fedderation starships.

Ferlease - When it comes down to it,the real magic of Xmas isn't to  do with
anything  selfless  like giving soup to orphans.  I'm going to  be  brutally
honest and say it as it is. We're talking about the  quality of the presents
you  get.  Childhood Xmas's were magical,   because your financial power was
limited,  and  the  stuff you got at  special times like Xmas and  birthdays
sort of held a promise to  change  your life. >

You could equally divide the best xmas's between those presents  which  were
a total surprise but somehow your parents could mind- read,  so you got just
what  you wanted,  and then there were those  extra-expensive presents which
you knew you were getting in  advance.  Once you are an adult, it is hard to
recapture this magic.   Your options have increased,  as you can scratch any
acquisitive  itch,  within the limits of reasonable finances, at any time of
the  year. At the same time, your fantasy present wish-list has moved a  lot
higher  into  the  realms of unfeasibility,  which only a lottery   win  can
satisfy. Something like this might match your expectations,  but it would be
a sod to giftwrap! Or get hold of, for that matter.

"Consequence-free  wild sex with a nymphlike cheerleader,  thank you,   it's
just what I wanted!"

Pongo  -  Whatever happened to good old fashioned  food  poisoning?!   We're
living  in  a nanny state,  with too much unwanted advice on how  to cook  a
turkey safely.  In the good old days,  you could rely on a  combination of a
40  pound  turkey,  and an inexperienced cook to heat  up a lethal  culinary
weapon.  There  was  the  delightful russian  roulette element at  the  Xmas
dinner table, whether you would carve  down to the salmonella infected semi-
cooked  layer  or  not.  And the  projecticle vomiting,  from both ends  was
simply adorable!

Charcoal - Is Ammerikan Xmas at diferent and random times of the  year  from
ours?  Jujging  by  the  tieming  of Xmas speccials of   'Freinds'  and  teh
Simpsuns.  They  also  seeme to hav two or thre of  thesse in a year,  but I
gues if you'r the richesst cuntry in the  wurld, you can. So hard luk on teh
poore  thurd world cuntrees who  probbably only hav a Xmas once  evvery  ten

Ferlease - Xmas brings out the worst in evil bosses at work  who think  this
is a good time to make staff redundant.   Granted there is no  good time for
this sort  of occasion,  but  you see it on the  tele  news  in November and
December,  a  lot of places  giving out  the bad  news to  their  struggling
workforce, even if the unhappy occasion is still six months or more away. It
still casts a pall  over  Xmas  with  all the new worries. I think there  is
a  scrooge mentality at work  which likes to fuck up Xmas for people,  which
this certainly does!

Pongo  -  Sprouts are the kings of vegetables!  They are the  perfect   fart
machines,  and  you  can eat as many as you like at Xmas,  without   awkward
questions being asked. This rules!

Charcoal - Oki,  how about teh wurds of Xmas carrolls that yu used to chainge
when you were children? My favorit one of thoes was;

"Whenn Shephurds washed their socks by night whiel waching ITV,
teh Anjel of the lord caem down, and swiched to BBC!"

Ferlease - I remember that, but also liked this one;

"We three kings of Orient are,
One in a taxi, one in a car.
One on a scooter, beeping his hooter,
following yonder star."

Pongo - No, no, no, there can only be one winner here!
"Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg...."

Charcoal  -  Anny  final  thorts for Xmas?  Mine is maek sure  yu  kepe  thee
receipt, unles its stuff you buy from my stall, in wich case, tough!

Ferlease - Please can I have a cheerleader, I've been a REALLY good boy
this year!

Pongo - At Xmas time, pungent is sensual!
Dildo Fatwa! For Alive Xmas Special!Dec '05.
Alive 12