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Alive 11
Leave your Message!
                Famous and historic people's voicemail messages

I  got bored at work again,  I had a little bit of an email exchange with  a
colleque at another office, here was my contribution.

(Beau Geste) I've gone to join the Foreign Legion for their superior working
conditions, I won't be back anytime soon.

Neil Armstrong is out and taking one small step for mankind, he will be back
down to earth next week.

Russell Crowe is out at the moment, but if you wanna fight, I'm ready!

Dr Who is away from the tardis.  Leave your message and I'll get back to you
BEFORE you ring me!

(Osama  bin Laden) Hello infidel crusader scum,  I'm out of the office,  and
I'm  not sure when I'm going to be back.  In view of the large reward on  my
head,  that  is  probably not such a bad thing.  If you still feel you must,
then leave your message after the loud explosion...

(Adolf  Hitler)  Heil there,  I'm out of the office on my summer  break,  10
million Jewish limbs to be precise! I'll endeavour to respond to all matters
on my return at blitzkrieg speed!

Frankie Howerd is away from the office, please titter ye not after the beep.

(Joan  of Arc) I'm away from my desk at present,  due to a matter of burning
hot priority.

This is the White Star Line RMS Titanic disaster helpline,  please listen to
all  the  options carefully before making your choice.  Press 1.  for a slow
sinking realisation that there aren't enough lifeboats and you are  probably
not  going  to make it off here alive.  Press 2.  from some reassuring  pre-
recorded music from the ship's orchestra.  Press 3. for a daft romantic sub-
plot involving Kate Winslett hanging off the front end of the ship. Press 4.
for a pre-recording of some soothing sounds of rushing water. Press 5. Sorry
that last option wasn't pre-recorded after all. Press 6. to hear all options

This is the voicemail of Simon Cowell ready to take your pathetic  message..
Call  that  a voicemail message,  my granny could do better with  her  dying
breath, now get off my line!

This is the theatre ticket booking hotline,  Mr Abraham Lincoln, you are now
first  in  the  queue,  please stand by with your choice of  venue,  seating
option, and credit card number!

This  is the voicemail of Mark Lamarr of 'Never Mind the Buzzcocks' and  not
much  else fame,  hearing your voice is like having the top of my skull sawn
off  with a rusty hacksaw,  wielded by Geri Halliwell,  whilst swimming in a
shark-infested bowl of custard,  and with Celine Dion squeezing a lemon into
the exposed brain cavity. But go on, you'll leave a message anyway!

This  is  the  after-life voicemail of Douglas Adams,  you  can  leave  your
message by all means,  but it is infinitely improbable I'll get back to you,
because I'm dead for tax reasons...

George Bush Jnr is away from the White House, but will be back as soon as he
has learned how to make a viable foreign policy out of stickle-bricks..

                                   CiH, at work, for Alive Diskmag, Sept '05
Alive 11