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Revolting Recipes!
              How to make your own homebrew Dalek invasion!

Now obtaining a Dalek army for schemes of universal domination is normally a
complex process involving a great deal of coercion,  bribery, consumption of
liquorice-based  products,  and  downright evil.  Now the dedicated  wannabe
meglomaniacs  on  the  MyAtari world domination desk have  come  up  with  a
simpler and more elegant solution, grow your own!

Actually,  a little bit of technical know-how, and lots of spare parts, such
as can be found in a typical electronics workshop wouldn't go amiss either.

There is also the small matter of the right ingredients, here's our list..

1.  Several cups of dregs of coffee left for many days. It has to be coffee,
nothing  else  seems to be able to evolve the right  strain  of  intelligent
learning-capable mould.

2.  Several pc mini-towers,  ideally one per coffee-cup mould culture. Maybe
one or two maxi sized server towers for an 'Emperor Dalek' to act as the de-
facto leader of the group, dominating through its sheer physical presence.

3. Caster wheels and electric motors, batteries etc to support all of these.

4.  Sufficient  black market ex-police issue Tazer guns to provide  armament
for everyone.  WARNING! These are very hard to get hold of since the 'War on
Terror'  kicked  into  gear.  Friends and contacts in charge of  the  locked
munitions cabinet at your local police station might come in useful at  this

5. Soundcard and tinny speakers, for the tinny voice crying "EXTERMINATE!"

6. Sink-plungers on a one-per-member basis.

7. CCTV or webcam, preferably on a rotating spinning thing.

8. Lots and lots of cables of different kinds....

And begin..

To  'grow'  the Dalek brains,  simply make up as many cups of coffee as  you
need,  and drink the cups three quarters of the way down.  You can often get
friends  or  work collegues to help out here,  as drinking 200,000  cups  of
coffee singlehandedly is really not recommended.

Leave  the  cups for 3 - 5 days,  remembering to periodically check  on  the
state  of  the  growths in there.  By the end of this time you  should  have
something like this

      The start of it! Doesn't look like too much now, but read on!

At this point,  the fully matured Dalek brains are ready to be extracted and
relocated  into  their new fully mobile and heavily  armed  killing  machine
home, but we are getting ahead of ourselves at this point.

Build the thing..

Whilst we are waiting,  get busy on making up the body of the machine. Strip
out the peecee casing, fix the wheels to the bottom, put the motor and drive
system in.  Then knock out the front panels for the CD-ROM, and fix the sink
plunger and tazer exterminator gun through the opened ports.  A hollowed-out
ATX  psu box,  with cables going into it,  will act as the resting place and
control centre for the organic part of this terrifying war-machine. It might
be useful to place a petri dish loaded with a nutrient culture, to stop your
Dalek  brain starving to death.  Finally,  place the spinny webcam podule on
top of the casing,  and the Dalek body is ready for action!  Don't forget to
add the speakers and soundcard,  like I nearly did. A mute Dalek is pathetic
rather than terrifying.
                                                           |     /    /
                                                           |    /    /
                                                    ,\.--------/    /|
                                                  ==  |            / |
                                                  ==__'___________/  |
                                                           |         |
                .----(()                                   '==========)
          _____/ \_____                                    |#########/
         /    (___)   /|                              .    |#####/##|
        .------------. |                             .  .  |####|###|
        |            |/|                               ' . |####|###|
        |            |/====< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|####(###(
        |            |/|                            ,  '. '|####|###|
- - -- - |            |:|  -- - -   --  - - - -  - -  .     |####|###| ---
        |            | |                                   |####|###|
        ||           | /                                   |####|###'
        ||           |/O                              ___\\|####'   |
        '____________'                               /          |___'
        O            O                               '-------___'

You might think enough evil lurks behind your average wintel, but the Dalek
casemod cranks the vileness factor up to eleven!

Teach and learn, crash and burn!

A  raw Dalek brain,  cunningly disguised as a humble coffee-cup mould,  is a
creature  with  awesome potential,  but without any education,  it remains a
coffee cup mould.

To  be honest,  this is the part of the procedure where we are still  having
some difficulty, and progress has been slow. We are using a system of direct
electronic  input of precious knowledge into the mould itself.  So far,  the
device  constructed  to  do  this is extremely simple,  and  consists  of  a
modified  pocket  calculator  with an inverted LCD display.  The  method  is
successful,  but  the  information  that  can be  transmitted  this  way  is
extremely limited.

Up to now, we have only succeeded in teaching it the single word "58008", or
"Boobs"  in  its inverted form!  We think that the scare-factor from  50,000
tinny electronic voices screeching "BOOBS!" is somewhat lacking.

The  next  step  is to attempt this process with  a  more  complex  teaching
device,  to  which  end we are adapting a ZX Spectrum for this  purpose.  We
consider  a Dalek brain equipped with the platform dodging acumen of  'Manic
Miner', to be more than a match for the world's armed forces!

And Finally, if you have got this far..

Congratulations!  You  are  now the proud owner of an unstoppable  horde  of
seemingly  sex-obsessed  knee-high Dalek warrior droids  screaming  "BOOBS!"
nonstop, until such a time as we can get a better mental conditioning system
working that is!
CiH, for Alive! Mag,Aug '05
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