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Alive 11
Jewellers Shock!
                  The little jewellery shop of horrors!

It's blingtastic!  In this brief pisstake, we look at the worst of the Argos
catalogue! Briefly, a word of explanation  might be in order for our  non-UK
readers.  Argos  are a nationwide chain of catalogue shops,  specialising in
bulk buy discounts. To be fair to them, and to possible corporate lawyers in
our audience, Argos offer good value for money and a wide range of products.

But  in  certain  areas,  they seem to be targetting,  well,  what we  might
describe as the 'chavvier' end of the population. Their jewellery collection
tends to be worth a closer look, at which point you will all cry "Horror!"

I  first  had  the idea for this very text,  whilst browsing  one  of  their
catalogues,  and I was mightily pleased to discover that all the frightening
things to follow were browsable on the good old internet!

So it is onto the first of these tacky nightmares, now read on!

Here  we  consiser the overly sentimental families collection,  the kind  of
thing  that  some  people might buy for each other,  inbetween  episodes  of
'Eastenders', which is really dead good, like real life actually!

Item 1. 'Mum'

"Aww, thanks darling, it makes getting a beating from you all worthwhile!"

Item 2. 'Dad'

"And if I get this stupid ring again next year, I'll black the other eye for

Item 3. 'Son'

"Thanks mum!" (Thinks "I'll look a right tit wearing that to school!")

Item 4. 'Nan'

"Eeeh what a lovely ring! I'd like a wreath just like that for my funeral!"

This  second mini-gallery,  we can call the 'Rise of the Right'  collection.
Maybe  there is an MI5 link to the Argos sales database,  all the better  to
identify right wing extremists from their jewellery purchasing?

Item 5. Union flag ring.

This little beauty can identify BNP (British National Party) members quicker
than a tagging chip! Is there a parallel universe version of Argos where the
Nazi's  won  the Second World War selling cheap 9 carat  swastika  rings?  I
don't see this is so far removed from that somehow?

Item 6. British bulldog.

This  is  even  less compromising than the last one,  if such a  thing  were
possible!  A  crude  mirror image or stencil  of this design is often  found
indented in peoples foreheads across the busy Saturday night urban townscape
of  Britain!  You  could make your own plaster or wax replica of this  fabbo
ring, simply by pouring in the mixture into the wound in question!

Item 7. Fist of fun!

Okay,  we  really  know far too much about the personality of the wearer  of
this ring. Not an easy fellow to engage in deep conversation about fine arts
or classical music, in other words.

Item 8. The urban pirate.

Here's  something  a little different from the rest,  for those  people  who
fancy themselves as a little bit of an urban gangsta wannabe.  You know, the
sort  of person who doesn't actually deal drugs,  but might know some illin'
chillin' dude who does.

Nicely  timed  for when we hit the limits of nausea,  we come to  the  final
gallery for this session, the never popular "Hard of earring!"

You might pause to think that of the worst of these earrings, three of these
are for men!

Item 9. J-Lo  heart  earrings.

These  J-Lo specials are the least vile items under consideration here,  but
they  still manage to qualify with the lame celebrity big-arse stroppy  diva
who  couldn't  act her way out of a wet paper bag product  endorsement.  The
question  is,  could you shag a girl who wears big hoop earrings?  I think I
could,  well one at work in particular, but she does have quite a splendidly
nice arse, but erm, that's getting away from the main part of this article!

Item 10. Manchester United mens earrings.

Yes it is 'MUFC' as in Manchester United.  Oh for fucks sake! They are loud,
inanely  glittery,  taste-free,  and  the  stupidity is rubbing off  on  me!

Item 11.  Beerglass earring!

The  humble beerglass transmogrified into a ghastly gold piece of  tat!  Why
couldn't they leave well alone?!  It says "Hello, I've got a sense of humour
me,  not much personality,  but I'm a bit of a geezer,  and I spend a lot of
time down at the pub.  The good old rub-a-dub, that's Cockney rhyming slang,
you know!"

Image 12.  Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough earring!

Isn't  this one just lovely!  What a splendid "Wotchyou lookin' at?!" facial
expression  the bulldog has got!  These perfectly accessorise the union flag
ring.  Put together, the perfect bling for those people who make a career of
standing outside nightclub entrances,  telling people "Oi, you can't come in
here with THOSE shoes!"

"Lovely earrings you've got there mate!"

"Faaanks! Orlright, you can caam on in!"

Right,  that's  enough!  Firstly the picture displayer cannot take any more,
and to be frank, neither can I!
CiH for Alive Mag,Oct '05
Alive 11