ALIVE SPORTS NEWS
Uh oh, we're in trouble, it's the Alive Sports page, with some news which
won't be seen anywhere else! Good job too!
We firstly turn to consider the new path that Formula One motorsport is
Wacky Races F1!
Dateline - Yesterday
Formula One HQ was the backdrop for a breathtaking shock announcement that
effectively casts the future of Grand Prix motorsport in a new and
In a bid to end the 'procession' of stale and predictable races, with recent
championships being dominated by by a single driver Michael Schumacher, and
his constructors team Ferrari, the bosses and rulemakers of F1 have
effectively thrown away all the current rules governing the sport, and are
starting again from scratch.
From next season, out go niggling safety-orientated rulings on car design,
restrictions on add-ons and new technology. Instead, each team is getting a
single, wildly different car, each with their own selection of hidden
gadgets and unique road-holding properties. Jenson Button, who is reported
to be test-driving the Arkansas Chug-a-Bug commented thus:-
"It might not look like much, but it can manage a good turn of speed when my
co-driver, a big and constantly frightened blubbering bear, gets out and
pushes it from behind!"
And it is not only the cars that will be revamped. The whole vexed question
of circuit design and track safety has been abolished at one stroke.
Instead, a rally-style race will be run in F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone's
least favourite location on Earth, the backroads and backwoods around
Silverstone, Northamptonshire, England. "The rather rural and muddy locale
fits in perfectly with the spirit of the original Hanna Barbera cartoon
series." said Penelope Pitstop lookalike David Coulthard. "It lends itself
perfectly to Dick Dastardly drawing a realistic looking hole in the road,
all the other cars going over it as if nothing were untoward, and when he
tries to drive over it himself, he falls straight in!" added J.P.Montoya.
An ecstatic and happyjoyjoy Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday.
WARNING! Extreme wealth can make you look like this too!
This 'wacky' style of racing will be made all the more entertaining by the
antics of one competitor in particular. It is still a closely guarded secret
who will get to drive the coveted 'double zero' car of Dick Dastardly, but
we think the following picture might prove to be a security leak too far?
Schumacher and Barrichello receive their new team orders for next season!
People across Europe are today waking up to the realisation that the vast
majority of them have backed losing teams!
Previously, the massive hype and feelgood atmosphere of the Euro 2004
tournament led to the majority of people, many of them not even football
fans, into believing that they were somehow going to have their lives vastly
enhanced by winning the tournament. In those heady days, everyone believed
that football, and a good performance by their team could cure spots,
impotence, baldness, lack of meeting beautiful women, and more.
Instead, as the tournament has progressed, more and more people are tasting
the bitter vending machine taste of the coffee of stark reality, stirred
with a wormwood spoon. That only ONE team will be singing because they are
winning! All the others will be losers.
Our investigators attempted to get a reaction from Italy following their
shock exit at the end of the group stage (22nd June). A phone call to a
random location there resulted in severe eardrum damage to our agent when
the person on the other end slammed the handset down after being told "It's
only a game after all!"
And to our friends in Scotland, whose football team were not members of the
"Never were club", namely as they didn't qualify to get to Euro 2004 in the
Now loyal Scotsman have demonstrated an interest whenever the English
football team are playing in an international tournament, usually by
supporting the other side! Even an outfit as universally reviled as the
hopefully fictional "Latin American Death-Squad Paedophile Nazi United",
would attract some favourable attention from the hardline Scots
Nationalists, if they were playing against England in a pre-tournament
friendly. And that is after taking their pre-match warm-up routine, of
ritually sacrificing a bunch of blameless orphans under steamrollers, into
The most recent manifestation of this "special" relationship was their
contribution to the final group game of England vs Croatia. This was a piece
of turf, which was robbed from Wembley stadium by Scots fans, the last time
they won an England vs Scotland match in 1977, I think? This was supposed to
be placed behind the England goalmouth to provide good luck to the Croatian
striker going on target.
This must have been the lucky turf, with the special brand of wish-no-ill
Scottish luck that so enjoyably backfires on idiot lamers, kept in the
garden of a house, which was destroyed in a mysterious fire, and just when
they had rebuilt, it was destroyed again in a freak hailstorm of anvils and
used car batteries!
At least going by the 4 - 2 drubbing of Croatia by England, that's what it
looks like to us?
And on a little side-note to our loyal Scots readers, we can lose all by
ourselves, without any extra help from you, thanks all the same! The England
team are sure to turn in one of their truly dismal performances before too
long, Rooney hype aside. When they're good, they rock with the best, but
when they are shite, it is like watching eleven random strangers of no fixed
footballing talent, who were picked up off the street and introduced to each
other ten minutes before the match!
Which leads me on nicely to the final serious topic of this column. Do you
suppose that a lot of the violent ill-behaviour of certain England fans
could be down to the brain-bending way that the team often chooses to play?
I would like to conduct the following medical experiment, without having to
worry about any of those nasty medico-legal objections to it being
"unethical" of course.
Take a crowd of average Englishmen, lightly hypnotise them with tabloid
newspapers about how this football thing is literally the most important
thing in the world. Lubricate liberally with alcohol before and during the
match, oh yes, the alcohol is a crucial component.
Then you screen a tape of the low-lights of England the football team's most
baffling negative play moments, something like a nil-all draw with Andorra.
The majority of the team would rather be somewhere else, like a nightclub,
and it shows in their playing performances, which seem to be mostly phoned
in from the changing room. Missed shots, forlorn hit and hope passing, and
half-dead "runs" in midfield giving away possession all feature strongly. In
short, it is a performance intentionally designed to wind and stir
passionate and concerned people who really care into blind fury!
Then act surprised at the end of this tragic display, when the anger-boosted
crowd go out to wreck stuff!
Right, that's enough sport stuff already, this column is feeling far too
healthy and it's spreading to the rest of the mag! Stop it!
CiH, for Alive mag,June 2004.