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"Resistance is useless, and frankly, a bit unexpected!"
Editorial:
Now the camel-shit has really hit the fan, with the start of hostilities
against Iraq. Normal Mini-mag service has been suspended, much like regime
opponents, from trees and lamp-posts with meathooks, whilst it rages and
instead, we bring you this specious special edition of Mini-War!
Hard News and Stupid Fatuous Rumours:
Poorly defined hopeful rumour elevated to the status of big news! Rolling 24
hour Mini-Mag breaks the stories as they happen, possibly, maybe, and then
we'll rethink and downplay them a bit later on when the actual truth pokes
its face out into the open. (Source:- Sky News, BBC, NBC, CNN, and that Arab
one, Al-Wossname.)
George Bush and Tony Blair combine to form Gestalt entity! The newly renamed
"Bushblair" also has the ability to talk out of parts of their body other
than their mouths! Skip to the rather obvious joke forming in your minds
around about now! (Source:- weirdandscaryscience.org)
Shock News! Country that opposes war in Iraq does so purely on principle,
and found not to have sold loads of weapons to them previously (and is still
owed tons of cash for them!) I can't name the country unfortunately, as it
is on the planet Mars, and the name is unpronounceable to the human tongue!
(Source:- www.dodgyleaksposingaslegitintelligenceagencybriefing.com)
Unsold X-Box consoles to be parachute dropped to Iraqi-held cities, in order
to lower morale. UN General Secretary Kofi Annan denounces "Excessive
cruelty to helpless civilians" implicit in the headline immediately above.
Urges belligerent parties to refrain from using allegedly easy-to-install
versions of Microsoft O/S Windows. (Source:- www.thethirdplace.com)
Some real headlines now:
"F18's Bomb RG in Baghdad" - So what are the Reservoir Gods doing there in
the first place, and why are they targets?!
Neutrality rules okay in one of the countries next door to the war, as
Iranian protests, inspired by their anti-US stance, but also coloured by
their eight year war with Iraq during the 1980's, show off both "Death to
the USA!", and also "Death to Saddam!" banners. Talk about evenhanded!
8-4-03 A classic case of abysmal timing with "Five dead in Israeli strike on
Gaza." As in "We're feeling a bit left out of things, and we want to kill
some Arabs too!" (!?)
Demo Reviews:
'Weltschmertz Demo Remix' - Now using 'Real Schmertz' digitised footage from
the battlefield, or Baghdad, which may be the same thing? Is compatible with
a little-known Falcon '030 emulator running on US Army backpack-mounted
global positioning systems. Organised squad-level viewings of this, and
other Falcon '030 demo classics, have been very popular, in between waiting
for gunfire and sandstorms.
Adverts:
DOWNLOAD! Pro and Anti-War ringtones for your mobile! Compatible with all
Nokia and Sagem handsets, and also XP50 frequency hopping military radios!
Pro-War - 08988 700700 - Go USA! / I love the smell of napalm in the morning
/ Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hussein / Stuck in the middle (of the
desert) with you / Three wheels on my Humvee....
Anti-War - 08988 700777 - Fellow Jihadists die in a righteous cause / Do you
really want to bomb me? / Ninety-nine red (chemical filled) balloons / Never
mind the Basra, here's the sex pistols! / Yasir, I can Boogie!
All calls cost a minimum 75 billion dollars for five minutes.
Utils:
Protective headgear is good in this sort of situation, in fact many
authorities on the subject say it is vital. The Royal Marine soldier who
took four direct bullet impacts on his helmet and survived, uninjured, has a
lot to be thankful for. However, UK Ministry of Defence sources refuse to
deny that he was being taken prisoner with a load of soon to be made dead
people by the Iraqis at the time!
(Postwar Ed-note: The very last word on this incident, was that it was a
prank by the soldier concerned. He didn't actually say anything to anybody
at the time though, just let the media draw its own conclusions!)
Internet:
This is a real one too. www.consumers-against-war.de. These offer a list of
US companies to be boycotted by concerned citizens, the list is/was
available as a *Microsoft Word* document! Oops.
*Quote of the War!* (Until Saddam comes up with something brilliantly off
the wall at least.) From www.command-post.org
"Note to the individual manning the CBS Live webcam: Please make sure you're
out of the frame before rooting around in your nose. It's remarkably
unprofessional."
Travel:
'Air-Raid in Line' - This coding party sucked bigtime. The excessive and
dangerous travel ruled it out for all but the most dedicated. I mean, had
anyone ever tried Baghdad as a venue before? Sand gets into *everything*,
disk drives, coke bottles, and worm bags. The competition screenings were
interrupted by frequent explosions and power cuts, and the fake demo entry
"Funny Moustache" resulted in the makers being taken away by the secret
police, and lots of cowering under tables from the other competition
entrants.
To my mind, this party was only beaten in overall ghastliness by last year's
Mekka Symposium!
Fashion:
APPEAL, for genuine design label leisurewear, at sensible prices. Our lads
aren't so keen to fight on for the motherland in their chafing restrictive
army uniforms, but it is hardly good for our image if they are captured
wearing cheap imitation label shellsuits by the crusader forces. Please send
any donations of good quality leisure clothing, real design labels ONLY
please, to the Feyadeen Central Command, 124 Uday Hussein Plaza, Baghdad
Central, quickly, before it's bombed. Thanks in anticipation infidel kidz!
"In" demo effects for the Spring Collection 2003; Textured escape tunnels,
oldskool 'rolling news' wibbly text scrollers (Al Jazeera given source code
for knocking out bottom border on TV screen!) 3-D Polygons that form the
shape of food parcels, rotozoom military briefings for both sides....
"Out" demo effects for the Spring Collection 2003; 3-D Polygons that
uncannily form the shape of a Stealth Bomber! Erm, fire effects perhaps...
There is a trend for increased dissatisfaction among some of the allied
fighting forces in the later stages of the conflict. Disgruntled US Marines
could be seen wandering around Bahgdad wearing t-shirts bearing the legend
"I raided Saddam's palaces, and all I got was this lousy gold-plated toilet
seat!"
Interview:
We whisk ourselves off to Allied Central Command, and get the lowdown on the
latest, from General Tommy Franks.
MM: General, it seems that hopes of a quick collapse of the Iraqi regime
have not come about, and that the colition forces are meeting unexpected
resistance, what do you say to that?
TF: Well I would say that operations are broadly going to plan.
MM: Really? The impression that the public are getting, is one of some
confusion and uncertainty, that the allied forces are somewhat surprised by
the conflict environment in Iraq, encapsulated in the comments overheard in
the American sector of the frontline "Geez, we didn't expect people to shoot
back at us, we're the good guys?!" and "That's unfair, it wasn't in the
script?!"
TF: Well it is planned broad confusion! Hell, I don't even know where I am
and who I am, some days! And who's shooting back, where is it coming from?!"
(Champagne cork goes off) INCOMING! (Hides under camouflaged table.)
MM: Oh dear!
Multimedia:
Hang on, here's an extract of a speech from Mr Saddam himself or a cunningly
pre-recorded facsimile, on Iraqi state television, it seems like he has
modelled himself on that well-known British bulldog, Winston Churchill, to
some extent..
"We will fight them, sons of bitches. We will fight them from school
playgrounds, we will fight them from inside hospitals, and from behind women
and children, we will pretend to surrender......"
(An editor pauses.. Damn, this war was worse than anyone thought. It made
wankers out of everyone who had a viewpoint on it, pro and anti alike. And
I'm not excluding this column from that critique!)
Obituary:
'Chemical Ali', main enforcer of the Saddamite regime, putter-down of
rebellions, non-payer of *massive* gas bills, and extreme torture fan, will
be henceforth known as "Biological Ali" after his very timely death, once
bodily decomposition starts to kick in!
Classified ads:
PRICE CRASH! - Second-hand glorious leader statues, all sizes, from four
feet personal worship objects, to four hundred feet megalomaniac megaliths
seen citywide. NOW AVAILABLE! All in variable condition, from completely
bolloxed by armoured recovery vehicles and angry crowds, to the merely spat
upon.
Apply for full catalogue from S.Hussein and Sons, somewhere over the border,
from here, and no we're not telling you exactly where, in case you set
another pack of robotic aerial infidel assassins on our trail!
Aftermath:
A statement issued of behalf of all world press and electronic media in a
semi-rhyming fashion..
Bahgdad liberation.... Scenes of jubilation.... Surely it can't last?!...
Please let something go wrong soon?!... Aha what's this!... Scenes of
looting and disorder... Allies get a grip!... Need a firm hand to take
charge.... One man has the knack.... BRING SADDAM BACK!!!!
And another thing:
Does anyone out there know what the Arabic translation is for the saying
"What goes up, must come down"?!
"Go on, empty another AK clip wildly into the sky Ali, it's Wednesday, we're
still alive! Let's celebrate!" (But not for long if you stand around for too
long in the same place!)
Fat lady screams this time around..
She blows a blood vessel gasping the single word "War!" Over and over
again..
CiH, for Alive! Mag,around the time Gulf-War II happened!
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