WHERE AM I
from our Finnish Correspondent!
Warning! this article contains characters and references which are based on
real life people and situations, all of them ripe for pisstaking! This
article is dedicated to Nosfeof MFX, and is based to a very large extent,
on his Breakpoint party report which can be found on the Alt Party website.
In fact, I might as well save some time by not bothering with the parody,
and including the uncut, half-cut, and largely unconscious real thing!?
Anyway, here goes nothing...
i'm not in a state where i could write anything too coherent, which is not
unusual. still, as memories and feelings start to fall into place, i'll try
to tell you what i remember from breakpoint 2003, or wherever it was i got
on thursday, i left my home at 15.00, after drinking 3 vodkas and 2 short
tequilas. my plane was leaving at 17.00, and when i arrived at vantaa where
i found visual lice there, but it seemed that no other finn was taking the
same flight with us.
we were seated at opposite ends of the plane, so i passed the time by
drinking two small bottles of wine, a whisky, one cream liqueur, and 3
cognacs, i think? i was starting to feel ready for the party vibe!
after we arrived at frankfurt main, i noticed the brown decor. this was
pretty dull, but soon livened it up when i upchucked the results of the
last hours drinking, and small finnair complimentary package of peanuts
onto it! we found our way onto the trainstation after buying some much
needed supplies (two bottles of red wine, and a bottle of antifreeze from
we caught our train and the journey was generally ok, except some neo-nazi
type hassled us until some more results from the last hours drinking
upchucked again, and ended up on his shoes! victory to finland i say, the
sad bastard didn't hang around too long after that!
after stopping to get more supplies (a couple of bottles more red wine,
some vodka, a can of paint-thinner) we looked around for some means to get
to the party place itself. fortunately, visual lice had a cellphone number
for the organisers, and they would send a car to pick us up in forty
minutes. about an hour and ten minutes later, we were still waiting, but
the booze supplies weren't waiting, so we had a pleasant time making
traditional combinations of wine and antifreeze finnish winter drinks.
........a lot of hours later, we woke up, still not at the partyplace, so
visual lice rang again, and an organiser dude apologised and said they
would send a car over which they did. i don't recall who the guys were,
that were picking us up, viewfinder could have been one of them, at least
if he could impersonate a blurred object?!
when we arrived at the partyplace, we found stealer and triple-x-rated and
lots of other cool people. first thing that triple-x did after seeing me
was that he wanted to show me something. i said to him that I don't care
how dedicated to amiga porno demos he was, i was not going to appear
stripped naked in his next one! but he said, no it wasn't anything like
that and took me to the meadow where there was a large pile of wood. it was
the main hall, and he said that it should be turned into a big fire. i have
to say that arranging some arson of the partyplace itself is something i
consider to be one of the most coolest things ever, so, REALLY BIG thanks
for scat doing that, i love you man, although not in any girlie bottom-
fancying way, incase you get any ideas!
then we went inside and started some really heavy boozing..
my memories then get a little weird and at some point i might have passed
out... i have this memory of puking in the bushes, or in someones shoes.
for a time, i though i might have puked inside the partyplace itself,
although i guess that didn't happen since nobody has complained to me about
it. visual lice is walking about funny with his shoes making squidging
noises and a pained expression on his face, so i think i might have fucked
up there... at some point, the magic vodka fairies arrived with more
supplies, and we started boozing again for breakfast, nothing like a hair
of the reindeer to cure the hangover blues!
at around 12.00 the organisers drove us out of the meadow with cattle prods
as they wanted everyone to pay their registration fee. we had to wake up
visual lice who had passed out in a field of whiskey vomit for an hour or
since i had no money, i needed to travel to town to get some, before which
i finished off the rest of the extant booze supplies, yes, even the
antifreeze! we got on the bus which went on for a long time. so long in
fact, that i drifted in and out of sleep, but i woke up eventually in a big
i wasn't sure if it it was near the breakpoint partyplace at bingen
anymore, as i appeared to have gone a lot further east than i thought, i
found signs for dresden, which is in the east of the country! i was hungry
after all that boozing, so what could be better than a pizza attack. i
crashed into the first restaurant i could find, which was a place called
'amigo'. whilst i was eating my pepperoni, i heard them taking orders for
loads of pizzas at some other coding party called 'error in line'. i
remember some of the other finnish chaps talking about an atari party
there, so i decide to go along with the pizza delivery and investigate.
presently, i arrived at the error in line, which was not a freezing tent
and no fires. there seemed to be a lot of coding activity, and very little
boozing, which is weird! but i soon registered, determined to add some
atmosphere to the place. they sold beer, which is okay for a time, but only
serves as an appetiser for the hard stuff. they didn't sell any, but
helpfully suggested the garage down the road, or a place called conrad
electronics for some really exotic replacements for bodily fluids.
i settled for the garage, as i did not feel like turning myself into a
cyborg this week. by the time i had drunk the new supplies including diesel
spillage and windscreen washer fluid, i was back into the party vibe once
more! memories are assaulted by pixies once more, as i remember something
about a competition called 'whip-pong, well it had lots of screaming in it
anyway, then the police turned up....
... i passed out once more, whilst asking for a bus. problem was, i think i
caught an 'airbus' as this dresden has an airport, and i'm not quite sure
where i ended up now??? this place is hot and dusty, and the people are the
i'll try to get my bearings soon, and write some more on this report,
where's the toilet?? AAAAGGGHHH!!
Supplementary info alert!
**ALLIED CENTRAL COMMAND NORTHERN IRAQ THEATER**
Press release # 1211
Efforts to search for those concealed chemical WMD, including barrels of
agents used in the manufacture of nerve gas and mustard gas have been
considerably impeded by an unknown individual, who has taken it upon
himself to personally drink all remaining stocks of WMD items as they are
discovered, and before allied personnel can secure them!
The Finnish diplomatic mission in Baghdad is attempting to contact this
person, who is believed to be one of their nationals.
When asked to elaborate on the situation, they released a press statement
simply stating "He's just this guy, you know!"
CiH, for Alive Mag, May 2003, we really love you man!