IT
WON'T BE YOU!
It seems that the chances of winning the big prize on the National Lottery
are very small. It seems that odds of fourteen million to one have been
quoted. Now it also seems that these astronomically long odds improve
dramatically if you are a petty criminal, as the latest winner of nine
million pounds seems to come with an electronic tag attached! And this is not
for the first time either, as the Lotto seems to attract winners named "Lee",
who have a hobby of taking things that don't belong to them from the place
they should be!
There is already a term for this kind of winner, "Vermillionaire"made up out
of "vermin"and "millionaire",geddit? Anyway, I'm sure there are lots of
lucrative retail opportunities coming up, intended to make the best out of
this strangely interesting market demographic. We now speculate on what the
National Lottery winner with a 'colourful' past might be buying in the very
near future!
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Home Shopping, for the Lotto Vermillionare in your life!
From Boosley, Hawkes and Saachi,
purveyors of distinction to gentlefolk,
and not-so-gentle folk,
since 1863!
Enjoy narrowly averting a custodial sentence, with the Rolex Oyster gold-
plated electronic tagging cuff. It features a special "Jeffrey Archer" mode,
programmable by the offender, where you can go the hell you like, when you
like, with no repercussions! A snip, with free wirecutters at 8000 Eur.
Get the bad news of your trial date on some top quality paperwork, such as
the gilt-edged Court Summons, presented on original 16th century Shakespeare
folio paper parchment scroll, like wot 'e wrote plays on. Available in
Magistrate, Crown, and High Court colours. Sent down to 150 Eur each!
The new spring wear range from Selfridges includes a set of ceremonial
ermine-lined deep-pocketed shoplifting robes (with a gold and jewel decorated
baseball cap), for visiting the top people's stores without paying, that is,
Lidl, Netto, or Kwiksave. Has "U R Shit" and "Millwall Boot Boys 4ever!"
embroidered in gold thread on the back of the garment. Follow in the
footsteps of Winona Ryder for a mere 1500 Eur!
Get in the frame (and get the window open!) with De Beers new range of
diamond-encrusted housebreaking tools which add some considerable distinction
and elegance to your larceny. Don't get stopped by the police whilst carrying
any old crowbar! It's a steal for 2000 Eur for the set.
Our associate company, "Jeeves Corporation" can provide a butler and
manservant for hire. He is very good at carrying out vermillionaire duties,
such as outstanding community service orders, alfresco spitting and abuse,
discreet removal of beer-sick from walls, and loss of temper at appropriate
times, ie pub closing and high street apres piss-up informal gatherings.
Jeeves, with a helpful handful of toilet tissue paper, is available for a
weekly hiring rate of 1000 Eur.
For those tender family moments, you could do no better than to indulge
yourself with a mink Gucchi punchbag shaped into a common-law wife and kids.
It electronically simulates lifelike screams and cowering, but it is twice as
good, as you don't go to jail this time! All the happy families without
unnecessary bloodshed, for 5000 Eur.
On the road, why not take a spin in the Rolls Royce Silver Scumbag custom
white van, for those cross channel "No these 3000 cartons are for personal
consumption, honest!" booze and fags runs, featuring a customised his n' hers
windscreen sticker, "Jason" for the drivers side and "The right honourable
Lady Clarissa Fyffe-Bourne" on the passenger side. Also including a full
colour LCD screen bolted on the rear of the vehicle to indicate two finger
ritual dominance gestures when passing other road users. Drive this one away
for 50,000 Eur!
Go for the ultimate council house exchange and upgrade to Blenheim Palace,
it's owned by the public, innit? The formerly immaculate gardens and grounds
can be strewn with pre-supplied piss-stained and burnt out mattresses, dead
washing machines, and the semi-dismantled carcasses of MOT failure cars going
back twenty years. If you have to ask the price, you probably can't afford
it, but if you're a true vermillionaire, you won't bother paying it anyway!
Now every prole and yoof and young offender wants a big telly in their life.
The more unfeasibly huge, the better. At the top of the oversized loud prole
status tree is the Sony-Toshiba Giga-Widesurroundscreen Home Cinema
Television, with Octaphonic sound system, and a forty-two foot screen. With a
spare one supplied for when those nasty bailiffs come "collecting" for your
unpaid council tax, so you can get rid of them quickly, and maintain your
viewing pleasure. So you're brain dead now, pay us 10,000 Eur!
The Chippendale reproduction 'Alibi Chair' is perhaps the ultimate 'get out
of jail free' card. A cleverly designed concept combines authentic old world
seating arrangements with some current electronic voice trickery prepared to
swear blind that you were sitting peacefully at home, and not riffling
through the contents of the local off-licence, at midnight, which is some
time after normal business hours. It is currently available in calm and
authoritative Duke of Norfolk and Marquess of Bath models and colours. Put an
end to those early morning police raid blues, for a mere 5000 Eur.
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Had enough yet? I have!
CiH, for Alive! Mag,Nov '02
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