RICHARDS LITTLE
JOHN
Intimate advice given, with a blokeish twist!
Hi, I'm Richard Littlejohn, a mime-artist faced lummox of a tabloid
newspaper columnist. I don't bother to disguise the red mist that comes down
upon my writing when l'm faced with 'liberal' topics and viewpoints. I'd
really be happier in a Klu-Klux-Klan wig and gown, but the editors of this
diskmag have given me the task of dissasembling their readers most intimate
problems, and providing some sort of answer to them. Ho hum..
My first letter comes from a woman who is in a bit of trouble with her boss
at work! She witheld her name and address, but I'm sure we can help Sarah
Gosling of Privet Drive in Basildon, Essex. "Hi Richard, I'm a happily
married woman, but my female boss has been coming on to me lately. I'm sure
she's a lesbian, because she's joked about it, and at my wedding reception,
held my hand, gazed into my eyes longingly, and fondled my bottom. She has
suggested that taking things further would help my career no end. Now I'm
not turned off the idea, yet I am happily married, and concerned about what
my husband would think?"
The state of communications and awareness in many relationships drives me to
despair sometimes. The answer is staring me, and you, in the face. GO FOR
IT! And I shouldn't worry about your husband disapproving. He will be
ecstatic! Just make sure he is invited to watch, and he brings a camcorder,
and sends me a copy of the tape afterwards! It is well known that I don't
approve of botty-banditry and dirtbox aerobics on a man to man basis, but
carpet-munching, I can't get enough of!! Wahey!!
Now we're deeply worried about this next correspondent. "I'm Darren, a
thrusting young and single man about town. Now I'm regularly up for it, but
on a Friday night, when I attempt to get off with a horny young lady, I find
that eight pints of Stella relaxes my technique and makes my chat-up lines
more appealing. Trouble is, this Stella drinking puts you on a fine line of
self-control, as I've often started off chatting to Melissa, but ending up
in bed with Malcolm! What should I do to make sure I end up in the right
place in future?!"
Richard replies - My normal inclination is to tell you to stop doing that
right away, but having read other parts of your letter which included sample
chat-up lines such as "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you drop
your knickers for me?" I can only conclude that your best hope for getting
future sexual partners, is to carry on as a 'Beer-sexual'. On which note, I
can just about recall some interesting experiences with some tram-drivers in
Vladivostok after consuming fourteen pints of windscreen de-icer, many years
ago, in a hallucinatory flashback form, and erm ----*SNIP!*
This next letter came on prison-issue notepaper, and came from a Lord
J.Archer, or even a J.Lo-Archer, I'm confused! - "I'm prisoner 146832-4, a
colossus bestriding the earth, but temporarily brought low by a miscarriage
of justice, I'm --- Monologue extolling Jeffrey Archer's imaginary virtues
cut short here -- Anyway, in my period of incarceration here at HMP Bexhill,
the local man of influence, quaintly termed as the "Mr Big", is quite
friendly towards me, offering all sorts of 'favours' and 'protection' not
normally available to the other prisoners. I gather he wants to take things
further, and wants to make his his "bitch". I think this is another amusing
prison slang term, the meaning of which I'm not sure about. But it sounds
like a lot of fun, what do you think Richard?"
Richard replies - Errm, if I were you Jeffrey, I should rush to accept his
offer. Being bum-raped by thirty-seven stones-worth of knife-scars and
obscene tattoos isn't personally my cup of tea, but I don't think you have
any choice in the matter!
Mr S.Hussein, of no fixed grid-reference, somewhere in Mesopotamia writes in
- "I am a moderately successful dictator and housewife, peacefully minding
her own business. I have a worrying stash of weapons of mass destruction
(WMD), built up during an extravagant and thoughtless youth, and I need some
urgent advice on the best way, and time, to get rid of them."
Richard replies - First thing, and I know it's nothing to do with the matter
in hand, but you really ought to think about shaving off that thing on your
upper lip! The 'moustache of mass destruction' (MMD) makes you look totally
gay, and a legitimate target for US Forces. It makes you look gayer than
even Colonel Ghadafi in his "Elton John uniforms" period, and that isn't a
good image for an Arab dictator to have!
Now about those embarassing WMD. I find that there are a lot of world
leaders, who acquire these in an impressionable adolescence, but seek to get
rid of them once they have matured. Getting rid of WMD is a precious gift,
potentially the best moment of your life, if it is done with the right
weapons inspector. If you are prepared to wait for 'Mr Right', or 'Mr
Ritter', then consummation can be done as part of a beautiful ceremony on a
special day. Alternatively, you could be in a hurry to get rid of your WMD,
and end up losing them roughly down some seedy back-alley with Mr
Convenient, or George Bush. All in all, the act of losing your WMD is a
complicated and difficult one, and shouldn't be approached lightly.
A Mr 'AE' of Sweden writes - "I am a keen demo coder, but I think that my
interest in assembly language screen-bending is getting to the point where
it could seriously take over my life. It started harmlessly enough, when I
was playing around with a few main menus and intros. I first became aware
that demo coding was taking over my life when I hit a phase of coding
tunnels for a couple of years. Lately, this hobby has turned from a unique
development into an obsession, as I can code practically anything, even
converting Cray XP 1000x1000 pixel, 32-bit colour effects to run pretty well
on a standard STFM. Is there anything you can suggest that might help me?"
Richard replies - I've never heard of anything so DISGUSTING in all my life!
An active demo coder, what is the world coming to?! I can only suggest that
you stop coding for a moment, and write a long and pointless argument onto a
forum. Pick a fight on some worthless topic say, about the correct shade of
Atari grey plastic used in ST cases, and how it just isn't the same these
days. Then your free time will magically melt away..
CiH, for Alive! Mag, Oct '02
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