For those of us that have ever used a Car Repair Manual
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Okay folks, this got ligged off the emails at work. I'm sure anyone who has
attempted to fix a car, or even opened the bonnet of one, looked inside and
blacked out with despair at the chaos within, will relate to this one in
some shape or form!
CiH - July '01
Manual: "Rotate anticlockwise."
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer,
anticlockwise.....
Manual: "This is a snug fit."
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Manual: "This is a tight fit."
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Manual: "As described in Chapter 7"...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through the job before you
start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox!
Manual: "Pry"...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Manual: "Undo"...
Translation: Now go and buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Manual: "Retain tiny spring"...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Manual: "Press and rotate to remove bulb"...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part.
Manual: "Lightly"...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now
cannot be considered "lightly".
Manual: "Weekly checks"...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Manual: "Routine maintenance"...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Manual: "One spanner rating."
Translation: Your Mum could do this. So how did you manage to botch it up?
Manual: "Two spanner rating."
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, ikkle number... But you also thought that the wiring diagram was a
map of the Tokyo Underground (in fact that would have been more use to
you).
Manual: "Four spanner rating."
Translation: You aren't seriously considering this, are you!?!
Manual: "Five spanner rating."
Translation: Ok go ahead if you must, but don't expect us to ride in it
with you afterwards!!!
Manual: "If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this"...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! (gasp)
Manual: "Compress"...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
garage, whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Manual: "Inspect"...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Manual: "Carefully"...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself, messily.
Manual: "Retaining nut"...
Translation: Yes, that's it, the big spherical blob of rust!
Manual: "Get an assistant"...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Manual: "Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed."
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Manual: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal."
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Manual: "Prise away plastic locating pegs"...
Translation: Snap off plastic locating pegs...
Manual: "Using a suitable drift"...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Manual: "Everyday toolkit."
Translation: Ensure you have an Emergency Homestart Membership Card and a
Mobile Phone handy.
Manual: "Apply moderate heat"...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't any use!
Manual: "Index."
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
do!
Here endeth that lesson!
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