Lizbet's Cruel Country Kitchen!
A well-known Queen shares her love of gratuitous violence and food
Factual blurb note at the beginning, before we get stuck in:- Gosh,
blimey, CiH a closet republican! Well I never expected it etc.. Well,
this is intended as a light-hearted send-up of Royalty's love of
hunting and bloodthirsty practices, that really belong to the past. I
am mainly taking the wee-wee from our own dear Elizabeth II, but I
heard something interesting when I was staying at the Karsmakers
household, around the STNICCC period.
Apparently, the supposedly liberal and 'in-touch with the public' Dutch
queen, enjoys shooting the wossnames out of wild boar. And this is the
one issue that the Dutch Parliament are not allowed to go near!! As for
the Republican aspect, that only goes so far, as we are all getting an
extra holiday next year, courtesy of the Golden Jubilee. Gawd bless yer
Maam, we are all loyal subjects! (Grovel, fawn..)
Another thing, the 'Lizbet' in the title was supposed to be a childhood
family nickname or something.
Good morning to my subjects, and those other European people reading
It is my greatest pleasure to present to you, some of the family
recipes that have enlivened the royal family, and members of my
household, over many years. If you follow the instructions carefully,
taking particular note of the number of servants required for some of
the more complex ventures, then success is guaranteed.
Without further ado, I present some of my famous royal recipes, that
have been handed down, through many generations of absolute rule,
divine right of kings to rule, and abject fear!
Chicken Choker a la carte!
1 pheasant, or free range chicken, if pheasant out of season.
1 fairly heavy vehicle.
A strong pair of gloves.
1 cupful of flour.
A pinch of salt.
Assorted members of the world media looking on.
First, one must take your bird and run it over with a cart. The modern
version of this recipe allows for a Range Rover or similar off-road
One then picks up the dazed and concussed bird, and twist the neck
around until one hears a tiny popping sound which indicates the neck
vertebrae are broken. Repeat until the head comes right off. One then
shakes the bleeding corpse around, in a sick parody of the Formula One
Grand Prix champagne bath victory celebrations, that some of my
subjects are apparently fond of watching, and laugh manically as the
watching world media double up and vomit into a nearby ditch!
Throw the flour and salt into their faces, as making a pie is really
out of the question by now!
Assorted specimens of wolfkind, a couple of these should be endangered
For this recipe to be successful, one really needs a family-sized wolf-
blender pre-installed. The west wing of a country house will usually do
nicely. One personally recommends the Ronco-Matic 3000 model, which can
take up to a dozen medium sized vertabrates without overloading and
damaging the rotary blades.
Insert the wolves into the lower compartment of the blender. Start the
blender blades going slowly. These are suspended from the ceiling, and
lower down gradually. Retire to the lower observation deck of the
blender, where you can observe the poor unsuspecting creatures through
the toughened glass portholes in the sides. They will gradually realise
what is going to happen to them, and start cowering and whimpering.
You will know the pate is ready, when the doggy sounding screams reach
a crescendo, then stop suddenly.
One finds, that the end result is a rather appealingly coarse, and
furry tasting pate.
Horse on the hoof, French style!
1 visiting party which includes the French ambassador.
A suitable number of horses for them to ride and eat later.
Assorted firearms, camouflage gear, etc.
Sufficient gamekeepers to form an ambush party.
1 tablespoon of olive oil.
Herbs, garlic, and seasoning to taste.
A HUGE frying pan!
A suitably equipped hospital cum mortuary.
You continental types eat horses, don't you? Well here's a recipe,
which is particularly suitable for those occasions when one is
entertaining the French ambassador and his party.
This starts off innocently enough. One takes one's guests out on a
horse riding or equestrian trip, as a prequel to a hearty luncheon. At
some point, the French Ambassador will ask what's for lunch. This is a
rare opportunity to display the royal wit, as one replies "You're
riding on it!" At that moment, the gamekeepers that have been tracking
their movements closely, will open fire from a concealed position,
mostly aiming for the horses, one might add. Almost any kind of shotgun
will suffice, but I personally favour using the Smith and Wesson
'Scattamatic' RK41 Pump-action repeater for its flesh-wound causing
It pays to have at least half a dozen groundsmen on hand, to remove the
corpses of those less fortunate guests caught up in the periphery of
the shooting. Then one brings the other ingredients into play, as one
cuts up and pan fries the horses, adding the olive oil and seasoning.
Serve to the survivors. This will surely draw gasps of appreciation,
from those guests who still have throats. This is a recipe which will
keep for a long time, if some of the surviving guests need a long spell
of reconstructive surgery and hospital treatment.
Assorted game birds and wildfowl. Pigeon would be an adequate
substitute if one is making this dish in a working class area and
doesn't have a hunting licence.
1 plinth, can be adapted as a beheading block.
A couple of circus midgets, one dressed as an executioner, the other as
Half a kilo of marzipan.
Salt, pepper, butter etc.
This is a very enjoyable dish to make, to use up all those spare game
birds and wildfowl, which weren't killed outright in the hunting
season, but were injured and nursed back to health.
For the purposes of making this recipe special, one gives the names of
various traitors down the ages to each bird. You may have your own
preferences, such as Anne Boleyn, Wat Tyler, Richard III, or even that
horrid Oliver Cromwell. Personally, one derives great satisfaction from
naming every bird that goes into a treason pie, after a certain Diana
The best bit of the preparation comes next, as each bird gets its own
ceremonial execution, by beheading on a minature replica of a scaffold.
It is permissable to cry out "Die, you empty headed blonde bimbo!" as
the axe falls, blade glinting in the evening sunlight. When enough
bodies have accumulated, according to the intended size of the pie, or
the sating of one's bloodlust, then incorporate them into the piecrust,
cover with a pastry lid, and bake until the crust is nicely brown.
Meanwhile, the little heads can be stuck on a marzipan minature replica
of Traitors gate at the Tower of London, making an amusing and unusual
table decoration, that serves to simultaneously delight and warn one's
guests where the real power in this land lies!
Medieval style red hot poker spit roast!
A large and spooky castle, in the dead of night.
1 red hot poker, and heating apparatus.
1 medium-sized deer that looks a lot like Edward II.
3 burly manservants, one to operate the poker, two to hold the victim
1 kilo of bashmati rice (cooked, not raw).
1 ambiguously worded death warrant, in Latin.
1 sprig of parsley.
This is a commemorative dish, which owes its inspiration to an
interesting form of middle ages regicide, and the simultaneous
invention of the spit roast!
Many of my subjects will be familiar with the wit and wisdom of a Mr
Ben Elton, who penned the not at all historically accurate, but
frightfully amusing televisual series, 'Blackadder'. In that vein, the
immortal phrase "Bend over Blackadder, it's poker time!" should convey
just enough information about the cooking method! This does ensure that
the king, er, meat is fully cooked internally!
Serve on a large platter on a bed of rice, garnish with the parsley
A Quick note about fish!
It is said that eating fish is healthy, it encourages mental
development, owing to the optimum concentration of proteins, vitamins,
and minerals in it. Indeed, it is known as "brain food". Which is why
we tend to avoid it.
I'll put it this way. If you start eating fish, you start down the
slippery road that has modest, social democratic, undemonstrative,
bicycle-riding, user-friendly Euro-Royalty at the end of it. And we
can't allow that to happen!
Death on the Beach!
1 Helicopter from the Royal Flight, even a small one will do.
A flock of seagulls (actual seabirds, NOT the 1980's synthpop weird
Assorted bottles of very expensive gin, whisky, and champagne.
A cocktail shaker.
This is a quick and easy way to make one's own special royal version of
that popular summer prole drink, known as 'Sex on the Beach'. Your
servant should have already combined the gin, whisky, and champagne in
the cocktail shaker, to half fill it, by the time that the helicopter
lands amidst the flock of seagulls.
Scoop up the maimed and dying birds, bleed into the cocktail shaker,
until it is full. Shake, but don't stir. Pour out into pre-chilled tall
'flute' style glasses, and enjoy!
This has been by Royal Disappointment, and is CiH in 2001
COMING NEXT TIME?
Excerpts from the 'Cannibalistic Communist Cookbook' - Featuring the
best way to cook Romanov Rissoles!