Spamalot!
The Story of Lucky Jim!
Or what happens if you pay attention to all those spam emails!
Hiya to all of you Alive peeps, my name is James or perhaps, in view of my
amazing life story, I should be better known as "Lucky Jim", which for the
purposes of this article, will do just fine.
So you think that spam emails are the spawn of the devil, worthless pap
cluttering up your email in-box? To take up any of their offers would expose
you to all sorts of financial and personal risk, right?
Well you would be wrong, as my amazing incredible story will reveal, as I
can confidentially reveal to you, and you alone, that spam emails are the
golden path to infinite riches and pleasure!
It all started with the Nigerian emails, as I had led an undistinguished and
poverty-stricken life until then. I was really looking for a quick way to
fortune, without the hard work or long hours, and the first email from
Albert Umboto, former undersecretary to the Nigerian energy minister was a
godsend. He was offering a cool 10 percent of his $40 million fortune, which
he was unable to move out of his country due to their restrictive banking
laws. Well it seemed too good to be true, and my friends warned me as such,
but they were losers, so I ignored them and went with the siren voices
calling "money!"
And my trust in Mr Umboto was amply rewarded, as I gave him my bank details
to help him out. Before too long, I was the ecstatic beneficiary of his
promised $4 million! Already a millionaire, and not a drop of effort needed,
fantastic or what!
Well the first 10% of 40 million dollars leads to the next, and so on. It
seemed that shortly after that first fateful transaction, everyone in west-
central Africa was having problems in shifting their loot, and had all found
out about me at the same time! Obviously Mr Umboto was only too willing to
talk about my helpfulness to his collegues and peers. It soon got to the
point where cash was flowing in and I hardly had time to keep up with it
all.
At the same time, there was something of a two-way exchange of favours, as I
was able to help out with my new friends spelling and grammar. I guess the
worry of having so much money locked into restrictive banking arrangements
adversely affected their formal education! Well anything I can do to help
out!
By an uncanny co-incidence, I was able to build on this success in
attracting spare cash, with the hundreds of wonderful investment tips that
came my way from some American friends, that I had never met before. I was
employing a full-time stockbroker to chase after and invest in all these
hidden miracles of the stock market, and the cash kept rolling in!
But it's not just the big decisions that count, if the thought of
millionaire class wealth intimidates you, don't discount the little things
either. The web-page pop-ups urging you to "win a laptop" caught my
attention, and soon had more state of the art electronic gadgets, laptops
and iPods than I could reasonably use. Still, it helped to solve my Xmas
present giving problems, and helped no end with my newly found "Mr Generous"
public image.
Eventually it got a bit too much if anything, I lost track of how much free
money I had got. The last rough estimate was around the $840 million mark,
which was still a small fraction of the trillions coming out of Africa. I
shouldn't believe the PR that it is a poor continent racked by AIDS and
poverty stricken orphans. Africa is the millionaires best kept secret. It's
like Monaco and Cannes, but better, where the streets are paved with gold.
They go on about the 'poor' thing all the time, to keep you all plebians
away!
As I am now in a position which could be described as more than
'comfortable', just lately, I have been in the generous position to pass the
latest offers of free money for minimal work to my friends and loved ones,
who seem to be strangely unenthusiastic for some reason. It's their loss,
but I'm sure they will come around to my thinking eventually.
As I was now living the millionaire lifestyle, there were other benefits. I
started to get lots more opportunities with the more attractive members of
the opposites sex. Yet again, spam email, my friend, came to the rescue as
suddenly the emails offering various sexually enhancing medication made a
lot more sense!
Yes, she's a Manga! Betcha didn't think they existed in real life either,
but she makes perfect sense in the world I inhabit!
With a girlfriend like this, I needed all the assistance that viagra could
give, that herbal generic stuff really rocks! But the best was to come when
I got my penis enlarged. Sure it wasn't cheap, but hey, you only live once!
Now it is so large, I am in danger of overbalancing and falling over!
There is still more to come, as the Putin academy of immortality have just
emailed me about the health-giving properties of a rare element called
Polonium 90. Apparently, with a big enough dose, you can live forever! (Or
at least the email was talking about a "half-life" of 18,768 years, which is
long enough for me!)
So my friends, my story goes to show that you shouldn't ignore so-called
'junk' emails, as they really have the power to transform your life for the
better!
And just a final thought in pictorial form. Here's what all of you look like
to me, those of you who are blinded to following the golden path of spam
heaven. Don't delete them without thinking, your life could be transformed
today!
Collected by CiH, when he was heavily sedated, with bricks, for Alive Mag,
Dec 06!
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