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..E d I t O r I a L..
We're heading your way again, like a hurricane generated off the wing of a
Puerta Rican butterfly, when that butterfly was straining for a crap around
five and a half months ago. Needless to say, it died in the attempt, and now
we're all gonna pay!
It's the must try to count how many we've done sometime edition on Minimag,
with all the (un)usual slightly Atari scene-related thrills and stuff.
..S c E n E - N e W s..
Ultra of Cream, but you can call him Candyman if you like, just in case it
annoys him, continues his exploration of ever more unlikely alternative
platforms after his smash-hit VCS 2600 intro. He was heard to be muttering
the phrase "Pokemon Mini Heftig me beautiful" by concerned sources!
The question "Where are they now?" is answered in part. Tanis of TCB
recently broke cover on the Atari Forum, and we speculated as to what the
other TCB members are currently up to!
Apparently, Nic gave up coding, and is now the leader of a Pomeranian Egg
Cult. He's moving ever closer to yolk nirvana!
Jas is writing software for medical equipment. You can tell it's one of his,
if your heart monitor has sync-scrolling and border scrollers, and it chants
"Please Wait", with digidrums, when your heart stops!
AN Cool is still stripping off for the cameras in tribute to his ST Format
days flogging TCB Tracker. the only problem is, that these are the CCTV
cameras found in most public places and shopping malls. He has been
sectioned under the mental health act!
All the extra people they took on at the end were getting together with the
Reservoir Gods 'Axeman', all of the Mugwumps, New Trend, and possibly Tat,
to form a new supergroup. They will code demos on the Palm Pilot and Xbox
360! Their first release is expected in 2008!
..W o R l D - N e W s..
The Iranian government announces the results of their enquiry to determine
whether the Jewish holocaust actually happened, or not. An Iranian
government spokesman, Dr Muhammed Cantbeasked Tomakeupaname murmured
cryptically, "Not yet..."
When pressed to clarify that comment, he was a bit more forthcoming. "Be
patient, it takes time. Weapons grade plutonium doesn't grow on trees,
y'know!"
Bogota, Columbia, and a tense stand-off with drug gang kidnappers has been
brought to an end when the hostage-takers were subdued with repeated
playings of Walter Werzowa's 'Intel Inside' chimes. The distinctive "Da da
da DING!" sonic logo was played at a rate of 15-20 times per minute, and
over a period of three hours in total. At the end of it, the kidnappers
surrended, feeling suicidal, but strangely go-ahead corporate and ready to
troubleshoot the inside of a computer at the same time!
You are all aware of the furore over a series of 'offensive' cartoons that
rocked the Muslim world earlier this year. Well we defy the bearded
lynchmobs of unreason, and reprint them here in Minimag too!
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"That's a cartoon thing #
you're doing to me, #
isn't it ?" #
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) ) (a_) (a_) ( ( #
\{ \ }/ #
( (__) ) #
' (_______/ ' #
\ / #
'---___---' #
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"A friend who nicks stuff #
to use in Minimag is a #
pain in the arse!" #
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(e . .; o #
\( <_______> #
`\ :\/\/\/; O #
' <______> #
,)___________>, #
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. #
"Hang on a minute, I'm getting #
a deja-vu feeling again?" #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
Well I guess we're eating burning flags and petroleum jelly for breakfast,
but frankly, we don't give a stuff!
..G a M e S..
Whilst nervously keeping half an eye on what Microsoft were up to with their
new X-Box 360, Sony were caught by surprise with Nintendo renaming their
'Revolution' next-gen console, to the "Wiiii!".
However, Sony were commendably quick to react to this changed state of
affairs. Henceforth, the PS3 will be known as the "Neeeooaaawww! I'm an
aeroplane!" Microsoft, so far the only player with a next-gen product on
sale, reacted angrily.
"Muuuum, it's not fair! We're the only next-gen console maker with a
sensibly named product. Make them stop it!!"
Electronic Arts, or "EA" to those people trying to sound 'hip to the industry
vibe' and failing by several years, released the first of their new series of
"Outdoor Games for Indoor Children".
The rather clunkily titled "British Bulldog and other playground games
Simulator." Offers a lavishly rendered first person view of a lost world no
longer available to today's children, who are kept in secure air conditioned
accomodation, for fear and safety reasons.
They can feel the unfamiliar sensation of "running" in the school
playground, that old and disregarded piece of tarmac at the far end of the
school currently being sold off for a housing development. Actual exercise
is possible with the add-on "Trudge Trudge Revolution" exercise treadmill,
retailed separately at 299.99 EUR.
The game is PS2 compatible, and will be developed on all major next-gen
console formats. It will feature add-on enhancement packs such as:-
"Dodging the school bully"..
"Conkers and Marbles gaming modules"..
"Tuck-shop power-ups"..
"Wet playtime".. And no, that isn't something you should google for with the
images safe search option turned off!
..D e M o S..
Ray of tSCc, but feel free to change the capitalisation to something like
TscC to really piss someone off, has decided to support more obscure
platforms in an Ultra-like fashion, after the success of the TT version of
'Beams'.
The scene is eagerly awaiting to see how he is making the Atari badged 286
PeeCee version possible. Sources say that he is making good progress with
the CGA graphics. After that, there is still the Panther Devkit version to
do!
This just in, Ray has been investigating converting 'Beams' to the Atari ATW
Transputer. He said publicly that a preliminary version of this was
"Definitely better than the Falcon!"
The madness continues, shows no sign of stopping, and every sign of getting
out of hand. Now Ray is reported to be collaborating with Ultra of Cream on
an Atari VCS2600 version of 'Heftig', Oops, that's no longer satire!
And in a breathless finale to a rather busy section, Ray catches himself out
supporting a platform many people have got with a CT60 version of
Wolfenstein. "Damn! I didn't intend to do that!" he blurted out..
..U t I l I t I e S..
Grazey of the PHF releases a new Ice Picker. It is as good as the old ice
picker, but it can cut for deeper and longer, and it can ice pick in the
background, whilst you are multi-tasking with a cup of tea. It has already
received an enthusiastic welcome from some quarters.
"Oh goody!" - Leon Trotsky.
..V i R u S - W a T c H..
First Macintosh Trojan spotted, world ends!
The software upgrade, that all Apple Mac fanatics have been dreading, has
finally been released. The cunningly disguised trojan malware, hidden inside
an innocuous looking executable file labelled
"Yesimavirusclickonmeyoustupidbastard", is supposed to be able to do
"naughty" things to MacOS. It is apparently activated by following the
simple steps of clicking on the executable, entering the root user name and
password on the prompt, then entering the Darwin terminal, and downloading
and installing Fink SDL through the terminal to enable the virus to run
correctly, deleting all files beginning with the letter "D" off the main
hard disk, then carry out a reinstall of OSX 'Tiger' with the original
installation DVD. After taking those few simple steps, then OSX is hugely
vunerable!
The vice president of anti-virus market leaders Slylamertec, Dick "Deeply"
Dunkley commented thus.
"Mac users had better get over the idea that they are somehow immune to
malware infections, and will have to look at investing in state of the art
defences, like ours. I mean, it's taken long enough for one to come out. It
was getting damn close to the point where we were thinking of releasing one
or two ourselves to stimulate the marketpla-Ooops!"
..W h E r E A r E T h E y N o W ??..
We've found another old Atarian, and see what he's up to now!
James L Mathews, who narrowly avoided attending the Maggie 5th birthday
party through a colossal rail ticketing fuck-up, and formerly the head dude
of Top Byte Software now sells fantastic "health" products on Ebay. We are
confronted with a new line-up of Super Stario pills, where the power-ups are
stronger, longer lasting, and, erm, longer?
We got to read some testaments to their benefits;
"With the Super Stario 'Stiffemup' erection capsules, I was firing jizzbolts
across the room after three days, and knocking holes in stud partition walls
on the other side!" - Richard Dangerous Esq.
"With these great pills, I can hang suspension bridge supports and steel
girders off my little man!" - J Prescott, Hull, UK.
"WE'RE NUMBER ONE! - IN OVER-USE OF CAPSLOCK!!" - JLM, Taunton.
This Mini-mag edition has won a meaningless service award for being the
number one distributor of scurrilous gossip, looked at through a weirdness
distorting lense!
You might be interested to know that this was nicked from some ski resort's
website originally!
We say, go for it James, and someone please, show him the way to get out of
Taunton!!
..M u L t I m E d I a..
Due to changing population demographics, the beat combo formerly known as
'Atari Teenage Riot' will now be known as 'Atari Middle-age Slouch'! (And
may yet change again to 'Atari pensionable huddle'?)
There's a bit about Madonna loosely themed around "Mutton dressed as lamb",
but we'll save that 'til the end.
Following Manou's success in the Outline '06 Newschool music competition,
some people in the mainstream have been taking an interest. The head of RCA
records, Rick Cashgutter has been trying to sign her up as "The next Sandi
Thom". Manou has more sense than that, and was quoted as saying "Does he
think I'm a dipshit, with flowers in my hair?!"
..M o R e - F u C k I n G - A d V e R t S..
Look, it's a pop-up, right in the middle of Minimag! Where did that bugger
come from?!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+ 888.CON - Stop whatever you're doing, and PLAY POKER NOW!!!!! +
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Good question coming up here, is "Texas Hold'em" a popular slang term for
the debtors prison that they put people in, when they've finally spazzed
away all their money and assets to 'online providers' like '888.CON'?!
For Sale..
One (1x) emergency power generator, 100 Kw diesel, capable of up to six (6)
hours independent operation without refueling. Reason for sale, forgotten to
bring to demo party in Holland (OL'06). Therefore pristine condition and
unused!
..L e T t E r S..
This time, we have got some Ebay feedback.
Rubbish! Minimag does NOT make you stronger harder and longer, in spite of
what is claimed, will definitely not do business with them again - JLM
Taunton
+++++ Top bullshitters! +++++ Would read again! - Wartlover.
I paid for and expected a load of top-notch laughs, I got this unfunny text
instead, DON'T BOTHER!! - Twistedfirestarter4you
FANTASTIC! I LAUGHED UNTIL MY HEAD FELL OFF! RECOMMENDED! - Idi Amin
..F i C t I o N..
Once upon a time, there was a fantastic website which sold lots of pills and
potions with curative properties that were second to none. They could
literally take a balding fatarse wimp with zero sex drive, and turn him into
the ultimate love god, with no further effort on that person's part!
"Dammit! I said creative writing, but not THAT creative!!" The teacher
screamed at the young James L Mathews...
The end.
..W h E n - T h E - F a T - L a D y - S i N g S..
Well it's a skinny lady, Madonna to be precise, in that rather cutaway
leotard to be even more precise. But what's this, she's given herself a
hernia with all her recent lucrative groinoerotic straining, Hahahahaha!
TWANGGG! AAAGGH! (Hahaha!)
CiH, for Alive Mag, June '06..
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