How to make your own homebrew Dalek invasion!
Now obtaining a Dalek army for schemes of universal domination is normally a
complex process involving a great deal of coercion, bribery, consumption of
liquorice-based products, and downright evil. Now the dedicated wannabe
meglomaniacs on the MyAtari world domination desk have come up with a
simpler and more elegant solution, grow your own!
Actually, a little bit of technical know-how, and lots of spare parts, such
as can be found in a typical electronics workshop wouldn't go amiss either.
There is also the small matter of the right ingredients, here's our list..
1. Several cups of dregs of coffee left for many days. It has to be coffee,
nothing else seems to be able to evolve the right strain of intelligent
2. Several pc mini-towers, ideally one per coffee-cup mould culture. Maybe
one or two maxi sized server towers for an 'Emperor Dalek' to act as the de-
facto leader of the group, dominating through its sheer physical presence.
3. Caster wheels and electric motors, batteries etc to support all of these.
4. Sufficient black market ex-police issue Tazer guns to provide armament
for everyone. WARNING! These are very hard to get hold of since the 'War on
Terror' kicked into gear. Friends and contacts in charge of the locked
munitions cabinet at your local police station might come in useful at this
5. Soundcard and tinny speakers, for the tinny voice crying "EXTERMINATE!"
6. Sink-plungers on a one-per-member basis.
7. CCTV or webcam, preferably on a rotating spinning thing.
8. Lots and lots of cables of different kinds....
To 'grow' the Dalek brains, simply make up as many cups of coffee as you
need, and drink the cups three quarters of the way down. You can often get
friends or work collegues to help out here, as drinking 200,000 cups of
coffee singlehandedly is really not recommended.
Leave the cups for 3 - 5 days, remembering to periodically check on the
state of the growths in there. By the end of this time you should have
something like this
The start of it! Doesn't look like too much now, but read on!
At this point, the fully matured Dalek brains are ready to be extracted and
relocated into their new fully mobile and heavily armed killing machine
home, but we are getting ahead of ourselves at this point.
Build the thing..
Whilst we are waiting, get busy on making up the body of the machine. Strip
out the peecee casing, fix the wheels to the bottom, put the motor and drive
system in. Then knock out the front panels for the CD-ROM, and fix the sink
plunger and tazer exterminator gun through the opened ports. A hollowed-out
ATX psu box, with cables going into it, will act as the resting place and
control centre for the organic part of this terrifying war-machine. It might
be useful to place a petri dish loaded with a nutrient culture, to stop your
Dalek brain starving to death. Finally, place the spinny webcam podule on
top of the casing, and the Dalek body is ready for action! Don't forget to
add the speakers and soundcard, like I nearly did. A mute Dalek is pathetic
rather than terrifying.
| / /
| / /
== | / |
_____/ \_____ |#########/
/ (___) /| . |#####/##|
.------------. | . . |####|###|
| |/| ' . |####|###|
| |/====< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|####(###(
| |/| , '. '|####|###|
- - -- - | |:| -- - - -- - - - - - - . |####|###| ---
| | | |####|###|
|| | / |####|###'
|| |/O ___\\|####' |
'____________' / |___'
O O '-------___'
You might think enough evil lurks behind your average wintel, but the Dalek
casemod cranks the vileness factor up to eleven!
Teach and learn, crash and burn!
A raw Dalek brain, cunningly disguised as a humble coffee-cup mould, is a
creature with awesome potential, but without any education, it remains a
coffee cup mould.
To be honest, this is the part of the procedure where we are still having
some difficulty, and progress has been slow. We are using a system of direct
electronic input of precious knowledge into the mould itself. So far, the
device constructed to do this is extremely simple, and consists of a
modified pocket calculator with an inverted LCD display. The method is
successful, but the information that can be transmitted this way is
Up to now, we have only succeeded in teaching it the single word "58008", or
"Boobs" in its inverted form! We think that the scare-factor from 50,000
tinny electronic voices screeching "BOOBS!" is somewhat lacking.
The next step is to attempt this process with a more complex teaching
device, to which end we are adapting a ZX Spectrum for this purpose. We
consider a Dalek brain equipped with the platform dodging acumen of 'Manic
Miner', to be more than a match for the world's armed forces!
And Finally, if you have got this far..
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of an unstoppable horde of
seemingly sex-obsessed knee-high Dalek warrior droids screaming "BOOBS!"
nonstop, until such a time as we can get a better mental conditioning system
working that is!
CiH, for Alive! Mag,Aug '05