TIPS AND TRICKS!
To make your computing life easier?
Some people may be aware of a publication called 'Viz' Magazine. Amongst all
the Biffa Bacon and Johnny Fartpants related mayhem, there is a small but
persistent column called 'Tips and Tricks'. This is our version...
Get all your broken Sinclair Microdrive cartridges out of the desk drawer,
and piece the tape loops back together carefully. You might just get a
useable video tape out of them!
Save the tear-off bits that occur at the side of old style tractor-feed
printer paper, you could make some improvised Xmas white snow-styled
decorations from these, or maybe some crude and crap form of ticker-tape?
Or wedding confetti...
Get some disused PC components, sound cards, processors, that happen to be
lying around, paint them up, and sell them to the Borg Collective as Borg
costume jewellery. NB. The terms 'disused' and 'worthless' generally apply
to any Wintel PC equipment that is more than five minutes old.
See if a typical Wintel PC owner can use the internet for non-pornographic
purposes for more than five minutes at a time? Confidentally bet large
amounts of money on the outcome!
Stop worrying about organising a paintball fight without either paint or
balls to hand. If you have a bunch of floppy disk drives with a strong eject
mechanism and the PD collection of someone you don't like very much
available, then close quarter combat using the disk drives as improvised
'paintguns' and the disks as 'paintballs' is perfectly feasible!
Simulate the entire coding party experience whilst not leaving your house.
Simply stay awake for three days, listening to Protracker music through
headphones, ordering take away pizza and only eating half of it, not
venturing outdoors at any time, and throw piles of toilet paper and clothing
into the toilet whilst pissing and excreting around the edges. This misses
out the demo competitions of course, but by then, you'll be too frazzled to
Sharpen and serrate the edges of those unwanted America Online free offer
CD's, to use them as throwable Ninja killing tools!
Stop wondering how much of a slapper, the breezy, patronising, ultra-prim,
page boy haircut possessing girl from the America Online Tele adverts really
is? Do speculate that her name 'Connie', is some kind of inside joke on the
part of the advertising agency - 'Connie-Lingus' (Geddit!)
Remind your local Wintel PC owner that they haven't thrown away an expensive
part of their machine to 'upgrade' it within the last week. Stress that they
should make themselves really popular by bragging to all and sundry about
the impressive sounding, but in reality, pathetically marginal improvement
in performance, which is more than offset by Windows suddenly taking a huge
dislike to working properly!
Strip and gut those old PC tower cases. They make a wonderful hotel for
asylum seeking refugee mice.
Make sure that your local boxshifter or computer reseller is following the
boxshifter code of practice. If they are actually selling goods advertised
at a knock-down price in the press, rather than not having them available
and trying to stick you with a more expensive alternative, then they are in
breach of that code of practice, and should be hounded out of business
Persuade iMac owners, that in order to get the best use from their machine,
they should really try the 'on' button sometime, and that it isn't there
just as an elaborate colour co-ordinated desk ornament or paperweight.
Find more uses for those millions of unwanted America Online internet free
trial CD-ROM's. Stick a load of them together, taking care to leave the hole
in the middle clear. Put a bar or pole through them, push to the end of the
pole. Then take another equal amount of stuck-together AOL CD-ROM's. Put
these on the other end of the pole to balance it up. You now have a superb
set of training weights for a fairly weak weightlifter!
Complain bitterly when the first CT060 specific demo is released. Shudder
nostalgically when thinking about the 'old' scene, and how the current scene
simply doesn't match up to it. Then switch on your PC. (German readers
Glue stacks of America Online CD-ROM's to the heels and soles of your shoes,
to make some ultra-fashionable, but totteringly dangerous high-heeled
platform shoes! (Spice Girl and fashion model readers only.)
Persuade "Maurice Collins" of 'Computer Shopper' Atari column fame, that he
can start to go around with his real name of Andrew Wright once more, now
that their Atari column has been killed off.
Stop getting Computer Shopper altogether. Since they killed off the minority
computer columns, it really is just wall-to-wall Wintel tedium now. (And we
are talking an advertisment to article ratio of at least 8 - 1 in favour of
Re-enact episodes from the original Star Trek series. I was thinking in
particular of the classic 'Trouble with Tribbles' episode, with America
Online CD-ROM's to play the part of the ever-multiplying Tribbles!
Code a mobile phone tone emulator for the Falcon '030 DSP. Then convert
classic C64 SID tunes and ST Sound tunes to play on it, in a warbling
monotone parody of their former magnificence!
That last suggestion, for grud's sake, don't let anyone out there take it
seriously, it was only a joke! Especially you, Thomas of New Beat!
And finally, declare an 'Atari Day' over a specific area of territory. It
could be a town, city, region, or even an entire country. Those people with
any Atari equipment, from the humble VCS 2600, right through to the latest
generation Milan, will be saved. Those with more than one item of Atari
equipment, will be thrice blessed. Those with lesser items of interest, such
as a Jaguar Joypad, Atari calculator, or Atari coffee mug, may yet avoid the
flames. But for those who consort in an unclean fashion with Wintel gear,
the ultimate price has to be paid!!
CiH, for Alive! Mag - Oct '00