Jewellers Shock!
The little jewellery shop of horrors!
It's blingtastic! In this brief pisstake, we look at the worst of the Argos
catalogue! Briefly, a word of explanation might be in order for our non-UK
readers. Argos are a nationwide chain of catalogue shops, specialising in
bulk buy discounts. To be fair to them, and to possible corporate lawyers in
our audience, Argos offer good value for money and a wide range of products.
But in certain areas, they seem to be targetting, well, what we might
describe as the 'chavvier' end of the population. Their jewellery collection
tends to be worth a closer look, at which point you will all cry "Horror!"
I first had the idea for this very text, whilst browsing one of their
catalogues, and I was mightily pleased to discover that all the frightening
things to follow were browsable on the good old internet!
So it is onto the first of these tacky nightmares, now read on!
Here we consiser the overly sentimental families collection, the kind of
thing that some people might buy for each other, inbetween episodes of
'Eastenders', which is really dead good, like real life actually!
Item 1. 'Mum'
"Aww, thanks darling, it makes getting a beating from you all worthwhile!"
Item 2. 'Dad'
"And if I get this stupid ring again next year, I'll black the other eye for
you!"
Item 3. 'Son'
"Thanks mum!" (Thinks "I'll look a right tit wearing that to school!")
Item 4. 'Nan'
"Eeeh what a lovely ring! I'd like a wreath just like that for my funeral!"
This second mini-gallery, we can call the 'Rise of the Right' collection.
Maybe there is an MI5 link to the Argos sales database, all the better to
identify right wing extremists from their jewellery purchasing?
Item 5. Union flag ring.
This little beauty can identify BNP (British National Party) members quicker
than a tagging chip! Is there a parallel universe version of Argos where the
Nazi's won the Second World War selling cheap 9 carat swastika rings? I
don't see this is so far removed from that somehow?
Item 6. British bulldog.
This is even less compromising than the last one, if such a thing were
possible! A crude mirror image or stencil of this design is often found
indented in peoples foreheads across the busy Saturday night urban townscape
of Britain! You could make your own plaster or wax replica of this fabbo
ring, simply by pouring in the mixture into the wound in question!
Item 7. Fist of fun!
Okay, we really know far too much about the personality of the wearer of
this ring. Not an easy fellow to engage in deep conversation about fine arts
or classical music, in other words.
Item 8. The urban pirate.
Here's something a little different from the rest, for those people who
fancy themselves as a little bit of an urban gangsta wannabe. You know, the
sort of person who doesn't actually deal drugs, but might know some illin'
chillin' dude who does.
Nicely timed for when we hit the limits of nausea, we come to the final
gallery for this session, the never popular "Hard of earring!"
You might pause to think that of the worst of these earrings, three of these
are for men!
Item 9. J-Lo heart earrings.
These J-Lo specials are the least vile items under consideration here, but
they still manage to qualify with the lame celebrity big-arse stroppy diva
who couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag product endorsement. The
question is, could you shag a girl who wears big hoop earrings? I think I
could, well one at work in particular, but she does have quite a splendidly
nice arse, but erm, that's getting away from the main part of this article!
Item 10. Manchester United mens earrings.
Yes it is 'MUFC' as in Manchester United. Oh for fucks sake! They are loud,
inanely glittery, taste-free, and the stupidity is rubbing off on me!
Aaaagh!
Item 11. Beerglass earring!
The humble beerglass transmogrified into a ghastly gold piece of tat! Why
couldn't they leave well alone?! It says "Hello, I've got a sense of humour
me, not much personality, but I'm a bit of a geezer, and I spend a lot of
time down at the pub. The good old rub-a-dub, that's Cockney rhyming slang,
you know!"
Image 12. Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough earring!
Isn't this one just lovely! What a splendid "Wotchyou lookin' at?!" facial
expression the bulldog has got! These perfectly accessorise the union flag
ring. Put together, the perfect bling for those people who make a career of
standing outside nightclub entrances, telling people "Oi, you can't come in
here with THOSE shoes!"
"Lovely earrings you've got there mate!"
"Faaanks! Orlright, you can caam on in!"
Right, that's enough! Firstly the picture displayer cannot take any more,
and to be frank, neither can I!
CiH for Alive Mag,Oct '05
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